


Born Into Bad Choices

by SloanGreyMercyDeath



Series: Criminal Minds Re-Write [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: A complete re-write of Criminal Minds starting at 2x09, Angst, Emily Prentiss has a daughter, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, It's about the longing!!!, JJ has gay issues, Momily, Only One Bed, PTSS, Reid doesn't get drugged fuck that, Slow Burn, Yearning, sin - Freeform, soft angst, talking about suicide, touch-starved JJ
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 73,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27253489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SloanGreyMercyDeath/pseuds/SloanGreyMercyDeath
Summary: A complete re-write of Criminal Minds from 2x09 on.It begins with Emily Prentiss being given custody of her daughter, Milly, and joining the BAU.Many major threads will be changed and it focuses on Emily and JJ, both as a couple and as individuals. The show just didn't give them enough growth, so I'm giving it to them.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia & Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia & Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Penelope Garcia & Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Emily Prentiss
Series: Criminal Minds Re-Write [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1989925
Comments: 246
Kudos: 437





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story in the series. I'm breaking it up by season, so it isn't ridiculously long. I am SO here for your thoughts on what SHOULD have happened in the show.

Emily sipped her red wine, flipping through the large newspaper spread across her coffee table. It was almost 4am, but she wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept through the night. It might have been years. She took a larger sip of wine.

As she turned another black-and-white page of her Washington Post, her eyes landed on the date. Ian Doyle had been locked away for 5 months, 1 week, and 2 days. That’s also how long she’d been puttering around her apartment on leave. Emily had been calling everyone she knew to try and get an assignment and end her mandatory leave early. Unfortunately, it seemed like everyone she knew liked her and wanted her to take the time off.

She was almost desperate enough to call her mother. Almost. She’d been catching up on the pop culture she’d missed while she was undercover as Lauren. It had been three years of her life and she was still trying to get back to ‘Emily’. Who was she after so long as someone else?

With a heavy sigh, she pushed herself to her feet and wandered toward the stairs. She might not be in the mood to sleep, but she could be bored in bed just as easily as bored on the couch. Besides, if she happened to fall asleep, then tomorrow would just come sooner. Not that she had anything to do tomorrow, either.

She’d made it up three steps when there was a sharp knock on the door. Emily froze as her heart jumped into her throat. There was no reason for anyone to be knocking at her door. There was no reason for anyone to even know where she lived.

Running to the kitchen, Emily set her glass down and pulled a small handgun from the empty flour jar on her counter. She put a bullet in the chamber, slowly walking to the front door. Taking a deep breath, she looked through the peephole.

Standing in front of her door was a tall, dark-haired man, his face pulled down in a painful scowl. He was wearing a full suit and practically screamed ‘Government Agent’. Beside him was a similarly dark-haired girl, face red and wet from crying. She was wearing a private school uniform, her leather backpack confirming that she had money. The man had a large suitcase in one hand.

Emily had no idea who these people were, but the man did look slightly familiar. She wasn’t sure that this wasn’t a trick, and she was definitely suspicious, but she tucked her gun into the back of her shorts. Cracking the door, she only made her head visible, keeping them out.

“Yes?”

“Hello, Emily Prentiss?” the man asked her, waiting until she nodded to continue. “My name is Agent Hotchner. I’m with the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis unit, but I’m not here in an official capacity.”

Emily’s eyes narrowed. “Show me your badge.”

He nodded, exhaustion evident in the lines on his face. Flashing his badge, he gestured to the girl at his side. “This is Milly Brigham. She is-” He hesitated, swallowing. “She _was_ Daniel and Caroline Brigham’s daughter.”

Emily’s heart stopped. Her whole body felt cold and hot at once, threatening to collapse. Licking her lips, she took a couple shaky steps backward and finally opened the door fully. Hotchner and _Milly_ walked into her apartment and she shut the door. She had to lean against the cold metal for support as she took in the situation.

The only reason _Milly_ would be in her home was because Daniel and Caroline were dead. Agent Hotchner’s comment confirmed that. Emily felt terrible about their deaths, however they had happened, but she felt worse about the fact that _Milly_ was suddenly in her home.

Pushing herself off the door, Emily followed Agent Hotchner and _Milly_ into the living room. She barely remembered to pull her gun out of her shorts and stick it back into its jar. Noticing the newspaper, she jumped forward and scrambled to gather it up.

“Uh, have a seat,” she managed, eyes flicking to _Milly_ and away again. “Please. Um. Can I get you anything?”

“Do you have water?” _Milly_ asked her quietly.

Her voice sounded so much like her own that Emily had to bite back a panicked gasp. Without answering, she went into the kitchen and stared blankly at her cabinets, the shock of having _Milly_ here knocking everything else from her mind. Water. She needed to get a glass of water.

As she pulled down a tall glass, Emily sucked in air, trying to still her racing heart. When she’d given _Milly_ to Daniel 11 years ago, she’d made it very clear that she wanted no part of her daughter’s life. She’d never wanted to think about the baby again, and she hadn’t. For 11 years, she hadn’t thought about _Milly_ more than once or twice.

Emily hadn’t even known her daughter’s name until she’d shown up crying. Moving to the fridge, she pressed the glass against the small lever set into the door and let the calm rush of cold water ground her. Just because they were here didn’t mean that Emily was suddenly in charge of a child - of _Milly_.

“So,” she said, heading back to her guests with the glass of water, “what can I do for you?”

She gave the glass to _Milly,_ doing her best to avoid making physical contact without dumping the water all over the pre-teen. God, she had a pre-teen. That pre-teen was sitting on her couch, still in her school uniform.

“I...regret to inform you that Daniel and Caroline died today,” Agent Hotchner answered. He shifted uncomfortably, the suitcase on the floor beside him. “It was a car accident. A drunk driver.”

Emily crossed her arms, not sure how she felt about knowing the second (of three) men she’d ever slept with was now dead. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Agent Hotchner’s head tilted at her calm response. “Yes. Well. Daniel and I worked together under your mother, Ambassador Prentiss. I’m not sure if you remember.”

“Of course,” Emily lied. She made a guess. “Daniel was an intern while I was at Yale. He got a formal job after graduation, right?”

She could tell that Agent Hotchner was not buying it, but she had obviously guessed correctly because he just coughed into his hand. Her eyes slid to _Milly_ again. She had Emily’s black hair and black eyes, but Daniel’s golden skin. Emily couldn’t help but be thankful that she probably hadn’t gotten too many sunburns growing up.

“I took on the responsibility of executing his will,” Agent Hotchner continued. “It’ll take me a few months to get everything together because of my job, but I couldn’t wait to bring Milly to you. She doesn’t have anywhere else to stay tonight.”

“...She’s staying here?” Emily asked dumbly. _Milly_ turned her large dark eyes on Emily, making her breath catch. “Um, I’m not upset,” she assured her, “and you can stay, but...why?”

Agent Hotchner chuckled. “I asked myself the same thing. You’re listed as Milly’s godmother in her will, and Daniel gave you full custody upon his...death.”

Emily’s heart stopped again, a headache beginning to form behind her eyes. If Daniel wasn’t dead, she would have killed him. The one thing she had asked, when she gave him her baby and left to join the FBI, was that she never, _never_ , be left responsible for said baby. Emily hadn’t even named it.

“I’m- She’s-” Emily gasped for air, feeling like she was going to faint. “Milly is mine, now?”

 _Milly_ finally spoke up. “I’m not a bad kid,” she told Emily, voice hoarse after hours of crying. “I get straight As and I know how to cook and I clean up after myself. It won’t be a big deal!”

“Milly,” Emily mumbled. “What’s that short for?”

“Emily,” Agent Hotchner answered. “I never knew why the Brigham’s chose that name, but I suppose it was because of you. I didn’t realize how close you were.”

Emily managed a weak nod, managing to pull herself together again. “Yeah. Uh…” She tried to remember what she and Daniel had talked about before she’d given the baby away. What was the excuse they would give when people asked why _Emily_ looked so much like Ambassador Prentiss? “Caroline and I have been best friends since we were children. Everyone always thought we looked like sisters, so we started acting like sisters. I’ve been...traveling...for work.”

“For 11 years?” Milly asked, skeptically. This time, her presence didn’t knock Emily’s world off its axis quite so much. “I’ve never met you!”

“I work with the FBI,” Emily answered, blinking. She gave Milly a tight smile. “It’s a hard job. Lots of traveling.”

Agent Hotchner frowned. “I thought you’ve been working a desk job in the Midwest?”

“I have,” Emily corrected quickly, her hands shooting out, “but I’m, uh, personable? So, I always travel for meetings. The first few years I had to earn a name for myself and then I did a lot of traveling.”

How had she just completed a deep mission with the IRA? She couldn’t even lie well enough to convince some stranger that she was Milly’s dead dad’s dead wife’s best friend! Truthfully, Emily had barely known Caroline. She’d met her while she was pregnant and gotten a few pictures and letters from her over the years, but that was it.

Agent Hotchner sighed heavily, shaking his head. “Well, knowing that you’re an agent does make me feel better, I guess.” He turned to Milly. “Are you ok with staying here tonight?”

“Yeah.” Milly gave Emily a sharp glance and took a sip of her water. “Will you take me to the funeral tomorrow?”

“Funeral?” Emily repeated. She hadn’t even thought about that. “Um, of course. Do you have a dress?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Ok. Well, I’ll take you to get one in the morning. What time is the funeral?”

“3 pm.” Agent Hotchner pulled a small note from inside his jacket. “The information is there. Walk me to the door?”

Emily nodded as she took the note from him. They walked back to the front door, Emily glancing over her shoulder at Milly. The girl seemed put-together for suddenly becoming an orphan. Emily frowned. Was Milly an orphan? Even if she wasn’t, she didn’t know that Emily was her birth mother. She would feel like she was orphaned.

“Agent Prentiss,” Agent Hotchner said, getting her attention again. He fixed her with a piercing, protective glare. “I don’t know why you’re listed as Milly’s guardian, but I have to trust that Daniel knew what he was doing. It’s going to take me a few months to transfer full custody to you and organize Daniel and Caroline’s affairs. You need to tell me right now if you can’t handle the responsibility of raising Milly.”

Something about his tone made Emily’s back straighten defensively. She had never wanted custody of her daughter, but she was in a very different place than she was when she’d given her up. Emily’s career was on the rise, she knew who she was (mostly), and she was definitely settled financially. She didn’t believe in motherly instincts, but she knew that she could take care of Milly and she found herself wanting to.

This might be exactly what she needed to give her life some direction. She still had six months of mandatory leave left and she could get to know Milly in that time. Then, when she went back to work, they’d figure out how to move forward together. Emily might not _love_ the girl right now, but she could be a damn good parent.

“I can handle it,” she bit, glaring up at Agent Hotchner. “Daniel left her in my care for a reason.”

Agent Hotchner just raised his eyebrows and looked over her shoulder at the young girl on the couch. “For both your sakes, I hope that’s true.”

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Emily climbed out of her car, black suit feeling restrictive after months spent in sweats. She looked around at the parking lot, not surprised that they were the first ones there. She wasn’t sure of the protocol involved in taking your secretly-biological, publically-adoptive daughter to her parents’ funeral, so she’d gotten them there a little bit early.

Moving to the backseat, she opened the door for Milly. Her daughter looked at her with watery eyes and made no move to get out of the car. Blinking, she tilted her head back to keep herself from crying. When she did that, she looked just like Emily.

“Move over,” Emily ordered quietly. She waited for Milly to take her seatbelt off and then waved her further into the car. “Scoot.”

She dropped into the backseat and shut the door, flicking her hair out of her face as she settled. This was her first mother-daughter talk. It had to be good. Mouth opening nervously, Emily turned in her seat to face Milly.

“We don’t have to go in if you don’t want to,” Emily offered, folding her hands on her lap. “I know this is hard.”

“How do you know?” Milly sniffed. She clenched her hands in the skirt of the black dress they’d just bought hours before. “How can you know how hard it is?”

“Well,” Emily started, “I’ve been to a lot of funerals in my life. My parents are still alive, sure, but I’ve lost people who were as close as family.”

Milly looked skeptical, but her hands relaxed slightly. “You’re Ambassador Prentiss’ daughter, right?”

The question made Emily’s stomach turn like it always did, but she just smiled and nodded. “Yup. You know my mom?”

“She’s always been nice to me,” Milly answered. Her skeptical look deepened. “She’s never mentioned you before.”

“Yeah, that tracks,” Emily mumbled to herself. Sighing heavily, she tried again, smiling at Milly. “Look, we can do whatever you want. Today is really about you. I mean, it’s about your parents obviously, but you’re the one who’s going to get a lot of attention. If you don’t think you can handle it, then we could...go get ice cream, instead.”

The thought of skipping a funeral to get ice cream made Milly giggle and she finally seemed to calm down. “We should go inside,” she said, sounding reluctant. “But...Maybe we could get ice cream afterward?”

“Of course.” Emily patted her leg and smiled reassuringly. “You ready?”

Milly sniffed and nodded, tossing her hair out of her face. Emily was jealous of its easy waves and the way it cascaded down her back. Her own hair was barely longer than her shoulders and ramrod straight. Was it weird to be jealous of her own daughter?

Shoving _that_ thought deep down, Emily opened the car door and climbed out. She waited for Milly to exit and then shut the door, reaching down a hand. Milly took it and they went into the funeral home.

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“I usually get Chocolate Fudge Brownie,” Emily told Milly as she pulled open the door to the large refrigerator, “but get whatever you want. As many as you want.”

Milly stared at her with wide eyes. “Seriously?”

Emily shrugged a shoulder, pulling out her pint and dropping it into her shopping basket. “Yeah. You did good today, kid. You deserve it.”

“Thanks!”

Holding the door open for Milly, Emily just watched as the girl carefully read the description of each and every pint of ice cream the grocery store had to offer. She wondered, not for the first time, what Milly’s life with Daniel had been like. Were Daniel and Caroline strict parents? Did they make sure that Milly only ate healthy food?

It still felt like some weird dream to have Milly standing beside her. The 11-year-old was taller than Emily would have expected. The top of her head was level with Emily’s shoulder, but her gangly arms and legs told her that there was a big growth spurt coming soon.

What was Emily doing pretending like she could raise a kid? Sure, the basic stuff was over with. Milly was potty-trained, she could eat without choking, she could speak, but what about the rest of it? What if Milly was racist? Or homophobic? 

Emily suddenly realized that Milly had a lesbian mother. What was that going to do to her? Emily didn’t know how to tell her, or when to tell her, or even if she _should_ tell her. She just didn’t know what to do!

“I’m getting Cherry Garcia, Half-Baked, and Peanut Butter Cup,” Milly announced, pulling the three pints from the fridge and dropping them into the basket. “What else do we need?”

Letting the door swing shut, Emily looked around the grocery store. “Uh. Everything? I don’t really have food at the house.”

“I thought as much. We should get the ice cream last then,” Milly sighed. She looked somber in her black dress as she took the pints out of Emily’s basket and put them back into the fridge. “Did they tell you that I’m a vegetarian?”

“A vegetarian? No.”

“It’s ok. I know what’s good.”

Milly took Emily’s hand and led her out of the frozen aisle. Emily hadn’t considered that Milly might have dietary restrictions. She needed to get her daughter’s medical records. There was so much about her that Emily needed to learn to be a good parent. She didn’t even know where to start.

“Thank you,” Milly said quietly as they turned into a new aisle. “I know you’re my godmother, but you obviously weren’t that close to my parents. You didn’t have to adopt me.”

“Oh, uh…” Emily adjusted her grip on her basket and tried to think of an appropriate response. Even though she hadn’t _wanted_ Milly, there was no way she’d let her disappear into the system. “I’m happy to have you,” Emily said, not sure how true it was. “I’m not going to try and replace your parents, but I hope we can be a family.”

Smiling up at her, Milly squeezed their joined hands. “I’d like that.”

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The first couple of months passed in a flurry of home re-decoration, bonding activities, and job searching. Emily’s place was technically a two-bedroom apartment, but she’d turned the second room into an office when she’d moved in. Now, they were turning it back into a bedroom.

Over dinner one night, Emily and Milly went through West Elm’s entire catalog, choosing furniture, curtains, rugs, and anything else a pre-teen girl could want in her bedroom. Emily knew she was probably spoiling Milly, but they were building a home out of thin air. She might as well spend the money now and avoid making a million changes later.

All the furniture had been delivered and installed after the first week. After that, Emily had called Agent Hotchner to have Milly’s things brought to the apartment. They’d spent an entire weekend hanging up posters and giving stuffed animals the grand tour. 

Once the bedroom was finished, they’d moved on to establishing a schedule. Emily drove Milly to and from school every day and made sure she did her homework. Apparently, Daniel hadn’t been too far all these years and Emily’s apartment was in the same school zone. She was grateful that Milly had one less thing to worry about.

The hardest part of their new routine was making sure Milly ate well. Of course, Milly was the one cooking for them, so it was really Emily who was eating well. Emily had tried her best, but she had ruined a pot trying to make rice and exploded several hard boiled eggs.

Thankfully, Milly had been a latchkey kid and knew how to cook. At some point, Emily would have to learn, but for now, they were both fine with it. Milly enjoyed cooking and she was used to it, anyway. Emily hated cooking, so it worked out just fine.

Emily was honestly surprised at how easy it was to fall into a rhythm with Milly. The schedule forced her to go to sleep at a good time, so she could wake up and take Milly to school. Milly needed to bring lunch, so they actually made and prepared meals beforehand. Emily actually found herself eating three meals a day just because she was trying to make sure that Milly was.

Still, the domesticity wasn’t enough. Her year of mandatory leave would end soon and so Emily had resumed her calls. She wanted an assignment that would be interesting, something that she could be passionate about, something like the BAU. She had enough sway to make that happen.

She wasn’t sure what would happen when she went back to work. Milly would have to go back to being a latchkey kid, even if Emily hired a driver for her, which she obviously would. She should research driving companies that specialize in security. She couldn’t bear the thought of Milly getting hurt because of her.

After finishing the dishes from dinner (Emily’s half of the deal), she went upstairs to bed. She was a full-time stay at home mom right now and she finally understood the enormity of the job. She spent the time Milly was at school preparing herself to do homework and listen to Milly’s stories for the day.

She went grocery shopping, or did laundry, or cleaned the apartment. It was exhausting even before she picked Milly up. At least she was going to bed now.

Reaching the second floor, she peeked into Milly’s room. Her daughter was fast asleep in her bed, a small UFO night light plugged into the wall beside the door. Emily felt a surge of fondness for the girl.

They had so many mannerisms in common. Emily wondered if they were inherited, or if Milly had gotten them from the Ambassador, too. Either way, Emily felt like it was embarrassingly obvious that they were related. Milly hadn’t said anything about it yet. Emily was relieved; she had no idea how to bring it up.

With a sigh, Emily closed the door and went to her room. She’d changed into pajamas after dinner, so she just climbed into bed. After double-checking the gun under her pillow, she settled in for the night.

A few hours later, she woke up screaming. She saw a shadow in her doorway and grabbed the gun under her pillow, aiming it at the figure. When she heard a girl’s gasp, she jerked her hands down to point the weapon at the floor.

“Emily?”

“Milly,” Emily gasped, heart racing. She peeled a hand from her gun to push her hair out of her face. “What are you doing? I could have shot you!”

“You were screaming,” she answered quietly, still sounding scared. “Why do you have a gun in your bed?”

“It’s- Don’t worry about it.”

She climbed out of bed, checking the safety before putting the gun into a dresser drawer. Her eyes began to adjust to the dark room and she turned back to Milly. The girl looked nervous, her arms crossed over her stomach. In her blue pajamas, hair tied up in a messy bun, she looked so young.

Emily wasn’t entirely sure what to do about the awkward situation. She’d pointed her gun at her daughter! Her mind caught up to what Milly had said.

“Did my screaming wake you up?”

Milly nodded. “Yeah, but it’s ok. I was having a nightmare, too.”

Something in her eyes told Emily that this was not the first nightmare Milly had had. “Ok,” Emily sighed, “come on.”

She got back into bed and gestured for Milly to join her. Milly ran to her, jumping onto the bed and sitting against the headboard. She wrapped her arms around her knees, watching as Emily adjusted herself to lean against the wall so they could look at each other.

“What was your nightmare about?” Emily asked, covering her legs with her comforter.

Milly bit her lip before shaking her head. “You first.”

Letting out a sharp breath, Emily tried to find a PG way to explain her trauma. “Uh, well. I was in a bad...situation for a while and, even though it’s over now, it was really scary. So, I still have nightmares about it.”

“You should go to therapy.”

Emily frowned. “ _You_ should go to therapy.”

“Well, you’re the parent, so make me an appointment.” She raised an eyebrow defiantly, knowing that she’d won. “But that’s beside the point. Are your nightmares because of the FBI? Agent Hotchner said you had a desk job.”

Emily winced. Why was Milly so perceptive? She got that from Daniel, the Yale lawyer. Emily found herself scrambling for a response yet again.

“I was, but...Ok, look. I can’t tell you. It’s _very, very_ classified.”

“Is that why you’re not working right now?”

“It is.” Scratching her shoulder, Emily narrowed her eyes. “Your turn, kid. How long have you been having nightmares?”

Milly suddenly looked guilty. “Since I got here.”

“Oh, Honey,” Emily said softly, reaching out to rest a hand on Milly’s knee. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She shrugged noncommittally. “What would you have done? You can’t fight a nightmare.”

“I can try,” Emily joked. “Thank you for sharing that with me now. Do you want to tell me about it?”

“Not tonight?” Milly bit her lip nervously. “Um, could I sleep in here?”

Blinking, Emily realized that Milly wanted to sleep in her bed. That was a normal parent thing to do, right? If a kid has a nightmare, you let them sleep with you as a comfort. She could do that.

“Yeah,” Emily answered. “Of course. Uh, do you want the edge or the wall?”

Thinking for a moment, Milly pointed to where Emily was sitting. “The wall. It’s safer.”

“Oh, I see,” Emily teased her, jumping forward to pull Milly into a hug. “You want me to be the one in danger!”

They laughed together for a moment and Emily’s heart clenched. It was easy to fall into a parental role with Milly, even if she didn’t quite feel like a mother yet. The kid was just so damn likeable and Emily definitely felt a little bit guilty about giving her up. It had been the right thing to do at the time, but now that Emily had met her, she wished they’d had more time.

That didn’t matter, she decided. They had years and years ahead of them and Emily was going to do her best now. She could have a career with the FBI and still raise a daughter. It might be hard sometimes, but it had to be possible to have her dream job and be a good parent, too.

“Alright,” Emily said, scooting around Milly and laying down. “Bed time. You have school tomorrow.”

Milly laid down, too, and they adjusted the blankets to cover them both. Once they were ready, Emily turned onto her side, ready for sleep. To her surprise, Milly moved in close, making herself the little spoon. Emily hesitated. She hadn’t expected Milly to be a cuddler, but it made her feel trusted. Smiling to herself, she draped an arm over Milly and fell asleep easily.

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When Agent Hotchner showed up at her door a few months later, Emily was ready for him. She had spoken with Erin Strauss a few days before and gotten herself a position in the BAU. Apparently, a team member had just left and there was an opening for her. She was over the moon about it.

During her time with JTF-12, Emily had fallen in love with profiling and she was good at it. The BAU was Mecca for any agent who wanted to be a profiler. It was almost impossible to get an _interview,_ much less a full position on the team. Thankfully, Strauss knew about Emily’s time with the JTF-12 and knew that she was itching for a new assignment.

Emily was sure that Strauss would eventually ask her for some favor, but Emily was willing to overlook that if it meant being a part of the team. Another point in her favor was her relationship with Agent Hotchner, as new and tenuous as it was. She wouldn’t be stumbling in totally blind.

Opening her door after he knocked, she smiled warmly and waved him into her apartment. “Hello! Please, come in!”

“Thank you for meeting with me in the middle of the day. My job makes me keep odd hours.” Agent Hotchner nodded his thanks and walked inside, looking around. Emily tried to see the place through his eyes, taking in all the changes in the last six months. It didn’t seem too different.

The kitchen had a few new appliances on the counters, like a smoothie maker and four-slot toaster. There were blankets on the couch now for movie nights and school books on the coffee table. Most of the change was in Milly’s room, but Emily hadn’t noticed how much the shared space had changed, too.

“How have you been?” Agent Hotchner asked, dropping a stack of folders onto the coffee table and sitting on the couch.

“Really well,” Emily answered honestly. She sat on the couch, too, keeping a professional distance. “Better than I expected. Milly is really great.”

He almost smiled. “Yeah, she is. Glad to hear it’s going well. I’ve brought the final paperwork.”

“Oh, good,” Emily breathed, tucking her hair behind her ear. “This is the adoption paperwork?”

“It is,” he confirmed. “Birth certificate, social security card, court order of her name change.”

Emily frowned. “What? Name change?”

He pulled the court order from the folder and handed it to her. She looked it over as he explained. “Most adopted children take on the last name of their adoptive parent. I also have the paperwork explaining the terms of Milly’s trust fund, her medical records, and her school record. You’ll have to get her a passport, if you’re planning on travel.”

“I’m not,” Emily told him, giving him the court order back. It was hard to believe there was another Emily Prentiss in the world now. “Anything urgent that I should know about?”

“No.” He seemed to think for a moment before sighing and pushing the paperwork away. Resting his elbows on his knees, he clasped his hand together, looking at her with his piercing stare. “You’ve been assigned to the BAU.”

Emily grinned, nodding excitedly. “I have! I’m thrilled to be working with you, sir.”

“I didn’t approve the transfer,” he said, scowling, “and I don’t appreciate it when people go over my head.”

Grin dropping from her face, Emily’s heart sank. “I’m so sorry, sir. I thought they talked to you. I would never go over your head.”

“Well, you have.” He sighed heavily, sitting up. “I’m going to talk to Strauss in the morning. I appreciate your interest, Agent, but profiling is a specialty. We can’t just let anyone give it a whirl.”

Emily’s back stiffened at the implication that she was just messing around. Her mother may be powerful, but she’d had nothing to do with Emily’s career. In fact, if her mother had done anything, she’d planted a lot of doubt in Emily’s mind that she’d had to fight against her whole life.

Agent Hotchner suggesting that she wasn’t serious was insulting and hurtful. She’d more than proven her worth. However, all of that was classified. Agent Hotchner would have no way to know just how qualified she really was. Taking a deep breath, Emily met his eyes.

“Agent Hotchner, this is not a whirl.” She swallowed back a ruder comment. “Have you read up on the I-80 case?”

“Yes,” he said, surprised, “how did you-”

“They aren’t blitz attacks. This guy’s organized.” She watched Agent Hotchner’s eyebrows draw down and continued. “He’s a white male, early ‘30s, and a smooth talker. All those women went with him, even though they _knew_ there was a killer on the loose.”

He seemed interested in her assessment of the killer and turned toward her. “How would you advise the local authorities?”

“I’d stake out the Ranch House, a local nightclub,” she continued, encouraged by his question. “It has a Ladies’ Night on Thursday nights and 8 of the 11 victims were reported missing on Friday mornings, so he’s probably taking them on Thursday nights.” Sighing, Agent Hotchner gave Emily a considering glance and she tried to convey her seriousness. “I didn’t ask anyone to go over your head and I’m sorry that they did, but I belong in your unit. All I’m asking for is the chance to show you that.”

He began to nod, but hesitated. “And what about Milly? I’ve mentioned the odd hours we keep.”

“I’m planning to hire a driver to take her to school and pick her up. I’ve asked for recommendations and found a service that specializes in security.”

“What if we go out of town?” he asks her, pushing. “You can’t leave her alone for days at time? What if you’re called in at 2am?”

She didn’t know how to answer those questions. In truth, she hadn’t thought about them. Emily had dreamed of being part of the BAU for 10 years now and when she was offered a chance, she jumped at it. How could she turn down an opportunity like that?

Maybe it was selfish to choose her career over her parental responsibility, but Emily had chosen over a decade ago to put her own life first. She didn’t want to slow down because of some weird twist of fate. After all, she’d had absent parents and she had turned out fine.

“Look,” Emily tried, leaning forward, “I know it’s going to be hard, but I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to be a part of the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I’ll work twice as hard as everyone else to make up for any time I have to take off to care for Milly. I want this, Agent Hotchner. I want this so much.”

He looked Emily over, searching her face for something. After a moment, he sighed again and rubbed his forehead. “I’ll talk to Haley- Uh, my wife. I have a son and she watches him while I’m working. I’m sure she’d be willing to watch Milly. They know each other.”

Hope swirled in Emily’s stomach. “I’d be more than happy to pay for her time and, of course, I’ll send Milly with food so Haley doesn’t have to worry about that.”

“We won’t take your money,” Agent Hotchner muttered, rising to his feet. Emily scrambled up after him. “We brief new cases every morning at 10am. I’ll tell Agent Jareau to expect you at six, so she can fill you in on protocol.”

Six am. Emily’s eyes widened. That was much earlier than she was used to being awake. Actually, if she was going to be at Quantico at six, she’d have to wake up at four. That was before Milly woke up for school. She would talk to Milly after school about her new job and what to expect. Emily realized that she needed to call that driving service immediately to schedule someone to pick Milly up in the morning.

“Agent Prentiss?” Agent Hotchner asked, pulling her back to the present. “If this is going to be too much…”

“No!” Emily practically shouted. She blushed, but she held out a strong hand and shook his. “Thank you for this opportunity. I look forward to working with the team and proving that it’s where I belong.” He just gave her a tight smile and started toward the door, but Emily caught his arm. “One more thing, I think we should keep Milly’s existence a secret. It’s for the best. She’ll be safest if she isn’t attached to me.”

His face drew down in a scowl. “If there’s something you need to tell me-”

“No, sir,” Emily lied to his face. “There’s nothing you should know. Please, I won’t ask you for anything else. I would just feel better if the people we hunt don’t know about her.”

Nodding slowly, he seemed to accept that. With yet another heavy sigh, he started toward the door again. “Being a parent and a member of the BAU is difficult. I’m sure adopting your goddaughter wasn’t in your five year plan.”

“Oh, I can handle it, sir.” She jumped forward to unlock her front door and open it for him. “I’m a Prentiss. We’re built for chaos. Milly is a Prentiss, too.” She remembered her story. “Now. Milly is Prentiss now, so she’ll thrive just like me. Emily Prentisses are resilient.”


	2. Hot N Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is following the show, I'm going to put the episode we're on in the notes. Some chapters won't be any episode, but when it is, I'll let y'all know. I'm skipping over some cases, so if you want the context, you can watch!
> 
> This Chapter is 02x10 - Lessons Learned

Jennifer Jareau sat back in her uncomfortable office chair and chugged the last of her coffee. Setting it down, she looked around her office. She was meeting with their new team member and she was not happy about it. Elle had only been gone for a week and the higher-ups were already replacing her. It just seemed too fast. They hadn’t had time to mourn the loss.

JJ had liked Elle. On a team full of men, it had been nice to have another woman to bitch with when they traveled for cases. When they were at the Bureau, JJ, Elle, and Penelope had complained about Hotch and Gideon over many glasses of wine. Hopefully, this new member would get along with her and Penelope and join them on their girls’ nights.

With a sigh, JJ rolled her chair closer to her desk. Among the stacks of possible, rejected, and to-be-determined case files was an employee record. Glancing at the clock, JJ saw that she still had a few minutes before their meeting.

She flipped the file open and frowned. It was suspiciously sparse. ‘Emily Prentiss,’ the front page read. She was born on October 12th, 1970, so she was 35 now, almost 36. She’d been in the FBI for 10 years, but her record was incredibly bland. It looked like it was all clerical work and research. What had made Hotch approve the transfer?

The file didn’t have a picture, which was also unusual. Clearly, there was more to ‘Emily Prentiss’ than the file would have her believe. JJ was suddenly looking forward to the meeting. A knock on the door made her sit up straight. 

“Come in!’ she called as she glanced at the clock on her desk.

Emily Prentiss was 10 minutes early. That was a good sign. The door opened and a black-haired woman entered, eyebrows drawn down.

“Agent Jareau?”

JJ blinked as Emily walked into the room. Only her professional mask kept her from flushing a dark red. Emily was stunning and her voice was sultry and soothing. Standing, JJ offered her hand.

“Agent Prentiss?”

“Emily, please.”

They shook hands and JJ looked her new team member over. She was startlingly beautiful with sharp cheekbones and a sharper jawline. JJ found herself lost in endlessly deep, dark eyes. Emily’s hair was perfectly straight, framing her face and brushing her shoulders. Her look was severe, but it worked for her. God, did it work for her.

She was wearing a suit, the white-and-blue striped button down open just enough to offer a tantalizing peek at her collarbones. Her black suit jacket was unbuttoned and JJ could see how form-fitting her shirt really was. Emily was walking the fine line between “work appropriate” and “inappropriately distracting.”

Pulling her hand away, JJ gestured for Emily to sit in the chair in front of her desk. Emily quickly pulled her leather messenger bag off her shoulder and sat, smiling eagerly. Returning the smile, JJ reminded herself that she barely knew Agent Prentiss, that her interest in women had been a _phase_ , and that there was something suspicious about Emily’s file. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Emily said, clasping her hands in her lap. “If I yawn, it’s because of the time, not because I’m not paying attention, I promise!”

She chuckled and JJ found herself chuckling, too. Just like that, Emily had gotten her to relax. “Would you like some coffee? I could use a refill myself.”

Emily’s eyes lit up. “That’d be great!”

“I’ll show you our kitchen,” JJ said, standing again and walking around her desk to the door. “The coffeemaker is the only thing that really matters here anyway.”

JJ grabbed her cup and they walked out of the office, down the ramp. She didn’t bother telling Emily that this was the bullpen; it was pretty obvious. A black go-bag sat on one desk, telling JJ that that was Emily’s new home. At six am, the office was empty. JJ was secretly glad that it was just the two of them, so she had Emily’s full attention.

“How long have you been with the BAU, Agent Jareau?”

“Call me Jennifer,” she replied as they reached the kitchen area. “Actually, everyone calls me JJ.”

“JJ,” Emily said slowly, the nickname sounding wonderful in her careful, husky voice. “I like it.”

Blushing, JJ turned to the coffeemaker. Her professional mask, the one that helped her keep her distance, wasn’t doing much good against Emily’s friendly demeanor. There was something disarming about the woman that JJ hadn’t experienced before. Taking a calming breath, she managed a pleasantly bland smile and looked at Emily again.

“To answer your question,” she started, putting her cup on the counter, “it’s been a couple of years now. I was working as the Bureau’s assistant coordinator with the DC Metro Police and the BAU had a local case. Gideon and Hotch approached me afterwards and I transferred.”

Emily stretched an arm to take a cup from the stack on the counter. Her chest pressed into JJ’s arm and it took an enormous effort not to flinch. She busied herself with making a fresh pot to distract from Emily’s proximity.

“Hotch?” Emily repeated, shaking her head. “That suits him.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that you already met him. I didn’t see you come in for an interview.”

Hesitating for just a second, Emily’s eyes widened. Then, the look was gone and she smiled calmly. If JJ hadn’t been looking right at her, she would have missed it.

“Yeah,” Emily breathed, “he used to work for my mother. It was a long time ago. I did a phone interview.”

“I guess that makes sense,” JJ replied. The coffeemaker beeped and she pulled the carafe out to pour herself a cup. “You came from the midwest, right?”

She could tell that Emily was getting uncomfortable with all the questions, but it only made her want to push more. Emily Prentiss was obviously full of secrets. JJ wanted to learn them all. She told herself it was because she wanted to make sure her team was safe.

“Chicago,” Emily told her, holding out her cup with both hands. “What about you? Where are you from originally?”

“Pennsylvania.”

She poured Emily her coffee. They headed back to JJ’s office in comfortable silence. During that walk, JJ gave herself a stern lecture about professionalism, heterosexuality, and self-preservation. There was a reason she didn’t date often and _never_ dated in the office. Not that she was interested in dating _Emily._ She didn’t like women like that anymore.

“Do we have a lot to go over?” Emily asked her as she closed the door to JJ’s office. “How out of my depth am I really?”

JJ smiled at the nervous question, sitting behind her desk. “You want the truth?”

She let out a sharp breath. “Please.”

“It might be rough at first,” JJ told her, resting her arms on her desk. “Gideon is pretty...focused on the job. He doesn’t really trust anyone, but he isn’t going to trust you at all. Hotch - Well, you know him. Stand-offish, harsh, high expectations. Reid is harmless, but he will ramble if you let him. Derek…” JJ thought for a moment, smiling at Emily’s wide eyes as she listened closely. “Derek’s a good guy. He’ll be nice until you get to know him.”

“And once I get to know him?” Emily asked, blinking.

“Then, he’ll be _too_ nice.” JJ laughed, happy when Emily laughed, too. “Who else? Penelope can be your worst nightmare or your best friend. Just be nice, laugh at her jokes, and bring her candy and you’ll be fine.”

Licking her lips, Emily nodded. She scooted to the edge of her seat to fold her arms on JJ’s desk. JJ wasn’t sure what she was going to say next, but she didn’t pull away.

“What about you?” Emily’s lips curled into a playful smirk. “How do I win you over, Jennifer?”

Heat curled in JJ’s stomach at the way Emily’s smoky voice said her name. “Me? Uh, I like Cheetos?”

Emily let out a loud laugh at the innocent answer. She grinned, eyes sparkling, and leaned back in her seat. Her confident flirty attitude disappeared just like that and she suddenly seemed approachable and calm. It was a dramatic change, but JJ liked this version of Emily just as much.

There was a knock on the door and Penelope stuck her head in. Emily stood up quickly, smiling at the new person. JJ waved Penelope inside.

“Hey, Pen. This is Emily Prentiss, our new team member.”

Penelope’s eyebrows shot up and she looked at Emily with wide eyes. “Hello! Wow! It’s so nice to meet you! Can we talk for a second?”

“Uh, sure?” Emily glanced at JJ, confused. “I’ll be right back.”

She followed Penelope out of the room to the hallway. JJ watched as Penelope whispered something and Emily’s face darkened. Reaching behind her, Emily shut the door so JJ couldn’t hear them.

JJ wasn’t sure what that was about. She’d thought that Penelope would join them or just pop in to say hello, but no. From what she could see through her window, the two women were having an intense conversation. Penelope looked apologetic, but Emily’s face was drawn into a scowl. Had they met before?

The conversation ended quickly as the two women shook hands. Penelope gave JJ a wide smile and a short wave before heading back to her office. After a moment, and a few deep breaths, Emily came back into the office.

“Sorry,” Emily apologized, taking her seat again. She delicately tossed a strand of hair from her face. “Penelope just had some...information for me.”

“I hope it wasn’t anything bad,” JJ said. 

Emily flashed her a tight smile and shook her head. “No. It was nothing. So, should we go over some protocol?”

JJ wanted to ask more questions, but she could recognize a professional mask. Emily wasn’t going to talk about it and, for the sake of team dynamics, JJ decided not to push it. She could always ask Penelope later anyway.

“Sure,” JJ sighed, turning to a stack of folders. “Let’s talk about how we choose cases.”

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

When the briefing was over, Emily stood and watched as the men of the team hurried out of the room. JJ and Penelope lingered, each finishing their own tasks. Emily cleared her throat.

“That wasn’t too weird, right?” she asked them. “Was it really weird that I knew Arabic?”

“I think it’s cool!” Penelope replied cheerfully, looking up from her computer. “You lived in the Middle East?”

Emily nodded, biting her lip. She knew that, sometimes, talking about her upbringing could be off-putting. It usually ended up sounding like she was bragging about her money or her experience or being pretentious. So, she tried to keep it light.

“You know my mom is an ambassador,” she said, shrugging. “We moved around a lot.”

JJ smiled kindly as she gathered up the papers scattered across the conference table. “Well, your skills certainly saved us a lot of time. You should get out there, though. Gideon will probably want to take you to Guantanamo to talk to Jind Allah.”

“Oh,” Emily breathed, realizing she was right. “Damn. I have to call-” 

She cut herself off. Giving Penelope a sharp glance, Emily left the conference room to find Hotch. She needed to ask him if Milly could stay with Haley tonight while she was away. Her first day on the job and she already had to leave Milly alone.

As she walked to Hotch’s office, she thought about her Penelope problem. The tech analyst had snooped into Emily’s past when she’d been hired and found more information than she should have. So, Penelope knew about Milly, but Emily had sworn her to secrecy. Penelope seemed to grasp the seriousness of the situation. Thankfully, Emily hadn’t been the one to fill out Milly’s birth certificate, so Penelope thought Milly was just her adopted goddaughter. 

Emily stuck her head into Hotch’s office and found Gideon there, too. “Excuse me, sir?”

The men looked at her, both of them scowling. Gideon grabbed his go-bag and stomped over to her. She moved aside, so he could pass, but he stopped in front of her, peering at her face with narrowed eyes.

“Do you have a bag ready?” he asked quietly.

She nodded, straightening. “Of course. Sir.”

“Car leaves in 4 minutes.”

He pushed past her out of Hotch’s office, toward the exit. Emily watched him for a moment before turning to Hotch. He was looking at her with an unreadable face.

“Sir,” Emily started, “can Milly stay with you tonight? Since we’ll be gone for 36 hours?”

“I told you this was a part of the job.”

She frowned at him, crossing her arms. “I know, sir, but you also said you’d help me with this. I’m not upset with leaving Milly for a couple days. I just need to know that you’ll watch her. If not, I’ll make other arrangements.”

“We’ll take care of her.” He raised an eyebrow. “I’ll have Haley pick her up from school. You’d better go. Gideon _will_ leave without you.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

She left the office, closing the door behind her. It seemed like Hotch was still bitter about her joining the team, which was frustrating. Emily had made it very clear that she was prioritizing her career. He had hired her, so he must have understood, and yet he’s determined to make sure she feels guilty about taking the position and having a child.

Pushing it from her mind so she could focus on the case, she hurried to her desk, ducking underneath to grab her go-bag. She’d packed it as soon as Hotch had left her apartment. Her nervousness about impressing Gideon aside, Emily was incredibly excited to go to Guantanamo and profile someone. 

This was her first case and she was filled with cautious optimism. She was confident in her abilities. She just had to show them to her team. As she put the strap of her go-bag on her shoulder, she wondered if JJ would be coming with them.

Emily pulled her phone out and headed for the exit. JJ had impressed Emily during their early morning meeting. She was friendly and sweet, but she also seemed really intelligent and capable. Emily knew just by looking at her that she got overlooked as a resource. She was beautiful and people seemed to think that beauty meant vapidness.

Using her shoulder to push open the glass doors that led to the elevators, Emily texted Milly that Haley would be picking her up from school. She thought about apologizing for the sudden change in plans, but decided against it. Milly knew this was going to happen now.

Tucking her phone into a pocket of her bag, she pressed the button to call the elevator and looked over her shoulder. Through the glass doors, she saw JJ going into Hotch's office. It looked like the Media Liaison wasn’t coming with them after all. Emily was disappointed, but she ignored the feeling. Right now, she had to focus on impressing Gideon, not on making friends.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

It wasn’t until she was on the plane ride home that she remembered Haley was going to take Milly and Jack to the new mall. Her heart stopped with delayed panic. Milly had been in that mall, minutes from being dosed with Anthrax. She’d almost lost her daughter as soon as she’d gotten her.

Staring at the chessboard as Reid and Gideon played, Emily tried to take subtle, calming breaths. They’d avoided disaster. Milly was fine. Emily had helped the team to figure out the terrorism plot before it happened and Milly was safe. Her panic began to subside, but it was quickly replaced with guilt.

She hadn’t thought about Milly at all. The fact that her own daughter was at the very mall that was going to be poisoned never even occurred to her. What kind of parent was she if she didn’t worry about her daughter constantly?

At the same time, if she’d been distracted by thoughts of Milly, she might not have been as useful to solving the case. It was her clear head that allowed her to work so well. Milly was saved _because_ Emily hadn’t been thinking about her. Of course, Emily wasn’t the only person working on the case. She probably had some spare brain space to give Milly.

Sighing, Emily tapped Reid’s shoulder. “Can I get out?”

He nodded and climbed out of his seat. Emily followed, flashing him a tight smile. She walked to the other end of the plane, pulling her phone out of her pocket. Now that she’d thought about Milly being in danger, she was desperate to talk to her.

As she dialed, she looked over her shoulder, making sure that Gideon and Reid weren’t paying attention to her. They were engrossed in their game, far away at the other end of the plane. She had relative privacy in her corner. The phone rang twice before Milly answered.

“Hey, Emily!”

Emily sighed, the sound of Milly’s voice calming her. “Milly. How are you?”

“Great! I’m helping Haley make dinner. We’re making veggie lasagna.”

“That sounds great,” Emily said, smiling. “Did you have a good weekend?”

“Yeah, but we didn’t go to the mall after all. Haley wanted Hotch to be there for Jack’s pictures. So, we just watched tv instead. Jack is really cute!”

Laughing, Emily checked again to make sure that the men weren’t listening. “That sounds like a lot of fun. I’m glad you like it there.”

“Are you coming to get me tonight?”

“I want to,” Emily sighed, “but we won’t land until 3am.”

“I can stay up!”

Her offer made Emily smile. It warmed her heart to know that Milly wanted to spend time with her. She licked her lips and tried to decide how much she cared about keeping Hotch awake.

“Ok,” she agreed, deciding that she cared more about seeing Milly than working her way into Hotch’s good graces. “I’ll text you when we land, so you can get your stuff together. Is Hotch there now?”

“Yeah. I’ll give him the phone. One second.”

Emily waited patiently for Milly to find Hotch. She realized that she’d never even been to Hotch’s house before. At some point, she’d have to make him invite her to dinner so she knew what the inside looked like. It seemed important for her to know where Milly would be spending a lot of her time.

“Prentiss?”

“Yes, sir,” Emily said quickly. 

“Milly said you want to pick her up? When are you landing?”

She winced. “It looks like 3am, sir. So, I’d pick her up around 3:30. I know that’s late, but...after today…”

“I understand. I’m with my family and you should be, too.”

“Thank you, sir. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

“Okay. I’ll make sure Milly is ready for you.”

The call ended abruptly and Emily frowned at her phone. Well, Hotch did seem like one of those people who didn’t end calls with ‘goodbye’. She just hoped that he gave Milly her phone back.

She went back to the men, grinning as Reid groaned loudly, losing his game to Gideon. “Another loss?”

“I give up,” he said as an answer. Climbing out of his chair, he moved to the couch. “I’m taking a nap.”

“Prentiss.”

Emily looked down at Gideon, surprised that he was talking to her. “Sir?”

“You play?”

“I do.”

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

She made it to Hotch’s house just after 3:30am. Pulling into the driveway, she saw Milly and Hotch sitting on the front porch, Milly’s go-bag on her lap. She turned the car off and got out, smiling at how sleepy Milly looked. Hotch stood up, prompting Milly to do the same.

“Hello!” Emily greeted cheerfully, hurrying toward them and taking Milly’s bag. She smiled at Hotch as Milly leaned against her, fighting to stay awake. “Thank you for letting me get her so late.”

“Not a problem.”

At home, Hotch didn’t seem so unapproachable. He was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants, like a regular person. It made Emily like him a little bit more. She hoped that he would see her like this, with Milly, and like her a little bit more, too.

“Emily,” Milly mumbled, turning her face into Emily’s stomach. “I stayed up.”

“I know,” Emily answered. She put her arm around Milly’s shoulder. “Thank you. Let’s get you home so you can get some sleep.”

She waited a second for Milly to walk, but realized that the young girl had fallen asleep. With a fond smile, Emily dropped Milly’s bag and picked her up, putting her on her hip. Hotch took the bag and they walked back to Emily’s car.

Hotch opened the back door and Emily gently put Milly down, buckling her in. She took the bag from Hotch and tossed it into the car. Closing the door, she smiled at him.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely. “I mean it.”

“Haley enjoyed having the company.” He crossed his arms, nodding toward the house. “We’ll have a key made for Milly, so she can be dropped off if Haley can’t pick her up.” He hesitated. “Gideon said you did well. I’m...glad you had the opportunity.”

“Yes, sir.” Emily held back a wide grin. “Thanks again.”

She nodded at him and walked around her car to the driver’s seat. Milly was asleep, her head lolled to the side. Emily was jealous. She’d love to be fast asleep while someone drove her home. Still, it was a huge comfort to have Milly with her again.

Because of the late hour, she made it back to their apartment in half an hour, pulling into her parking spot around 4am. She got out quickly, grabbing her go-bag and circling the car. Milly had slept through the entire drive and Emily decided that she’d just carry her. 

She slung the strap of her go-bag over her head before reaching across Milly to get hers. The strap was a little short, but she put it over her head, too, settling a bag on either side of her. Once they were steady, she unbuckled Milly and picked her up easily. Despite being asleep, Milly wrapped her arms around Emily’s neck and her legs around her waist.

It was so natural and instinctual that Emily had to take a deep breath. Milly clung to her in her sleep, seeking attention and affection from her mother. After six months of being together, Emily felt the first tug of love in her stomach. Milly was an amazing kid and the trust she put in Emily made her feel honored.

Blinking, Emily closed the car door with her hip and started for the elevator. Milly slept all the way to the apartment, only waking up when Emily started up the stairs to her bedroom. She mumbled to herself, pulling away.

“Hold on,” Emily whispered, rubbing Milly’s back. “I’ll put you down in a second.”

“Ok, mom.”

Emily froze, one foot on the second floor. Milly had just called her ‘mom’. She told herself that it was a slip-up, that Milly was asleep, that Caroline must have done this all the time and that’s why she’d sleepily said ‘mom’. That didn’t stop Emily from being deeply affected by it.

Willing her body to move again, Emily made it fully onto the second floor landing and walked to Milly’s bedroom. She turned the knob slowly, trying to keep as quiet as possible. Milly’s UFO nightlight was glowing brightly, filling the room with its soft light. She entered and went straight to the bed.

“Alright,” she whispered, leaning forward and setting Milly down on the comforter. “Let’s get you undressed.”

Milly groaned, immediately curling into a ball. Emily let her while she took their bags off and dropped them to the floor. She took her own shoes and socks off, stripped down to her underwear, and squatted in front of her bag. She’d packed a large t-shirt to wear to bed, so she just pulled it out, quickly tugging it on. Once she was covered, she crawled onto the bed.

“Milly,” she sang, smiling as the girl whined, her nose scrunching. “Come on. You can’t sleep in your shoes.”

With another whine, Milly sat up, rubbing her eyes. “Help me?”

“Of course.”

Emily took one of Milly’s feet in her hands and pulled her shoe off. She slid a soft sock over a small foot, tossing them both off the bed. She did the same with the other shoe, and then helped Milly pull her jeans off. Leaving her shirt on, Emily turned down the bed, so they could slip under the covers.

She opened her arms for Milly, who moved into them immediately. It made Emily feel so much better to have Milly safe in the circle of her arms, head tucked under her chin. Her first day with the BAU had been a stressful one, the stakes incredibly high. She knew they would probably all feel that way.

A buzzing sound got her attention and she realized she’d left her phone in her suit jacket. She wished she could ignore it, but if it was another case, she needed to know. Carefully extracting herself from Milly’s hold, she crawled to the edge of the bed, picking through the pile of clothing on the floor. Finding her jacket, she retrieved her phone from a pocket.

The screen was dim in the dark light and Emily had to squint to read the message. It was from JJ. She sat back on the bed as she read her text.

_Hello! Sorry for the late text! I hope this doesn’t wake you up! Just wanted to say welcome to the team! You did a great job today! Even GIDEON said so! See you tomorrow!_

The nice message made Emily grin like an idiot. It was really nice of JJ to think of her. It also reminded her to set an alarm. Getting out of bed, Emily debated texting her back. She padded over to the alarm clock on Milly’s desk and set it to 8am. It would only give them a few hours of sleep, but Milly had school in the morning and Emily wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to drop her off.

When it was set, she walked back to bed, still holding her phone. Biting her lip, Emily sent a quick thank you text back and tossed her phone onto the pile of clothing on the floor. Climbing over Milly, Emily settled into bed again, throwing an arm over Milly and closing her eyes.


	3. A Little Respect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x11 - Sex, Birth, Death

Emily couldn’t stop thinking about Holly. There was no way that that girl was 19. She doubted that Holly was even 18. How tragic for her to be a sex worker at such a young age.

Emily had nothing against sex workers; everyone had to work and some people chose sex. It just upset her to think about the people who ran out of options and had no other choice, especially someone as young as Holly.

Shaking her head, she looked around the bullpen. She and Morgan had just gotten back to the office after showing Reid’s sketch on the streets. A few people had seen him, but it seemed like the kid just liked to feel dangerous.

With a sigh, she turned back to her computer and tried to focus on finishing her report. Paperwork was her least favorite part of the job. It was probably everyone’s least favorite part, but she was pretty sure she hated it the most. Emily just wanted to be out in the field.

She managed to type two sentences before her mind wandered again. At least this case was in DC and she could stay close to Milly. Her daughter was settling into their new life together, but they still had some rough patches.

Emily woke up most nights screaming, which meant that Milly spent most nights in her bed. It wasn’t too bad. Emily did enjoy the company, but she wondered how long she’d be haunted by Doyle. It was over a year later and she still dreamed that he’d show up on her doorstep. How would she protect Milly if he did turn up again?

Milly’s nightmares were also continuing. She wondered if _her_ nightmares were influencing Milly’s. Emily was pretty sure that they were about her parents, but Milly never wanted to talk about them. Maybe Emily _should_ get Milly a therapist. It would be hard to get her there every week, though.

“Emily!” a woman’s voice called to her. She looked up and saw Congresswoman Steyer walking toward her. “Hello!”

“Congresswoman, hello!” Emily greeted, standing. They hugged quickly and smiled at each other. “What are you doing here? Is there something I can help you with?”

“Oh, I just came to speak with Agent Hotchner,” Steyer answered. “How are you? Settling in?”

Emily shrugged casually. She knew that the Congresswoman wasn’t really asking. They only knew each other as acquaintances because of her mother. Emily made sure to keep herself distant and friendly; she didn’t need to get a phone call from the Ambassador later.

“It’s going well,” she said, nodding. “Everyone has been welcoming and kind.”

“That’s good to hear.” The Congresswoman offered her hand and Emily shook it. “Tell your mother I say hello.”

“Of course. Have a good day.”

“You, too.”

She watched Congresswoman Steyer walk out of their office. When she was out of view, Emily relaxed, letting out the breath she’d been holding. It was always annoying when someone her mother knew showed up and she had to slip into her ‘The Ambassador’s Daughter’ costume. At least it didn’t happen as often anymore, she thought, dropping back into her seat.

“Wow,” Morgan said, getting her attention. “That was impressive.”

She frowned. “What’s impressive?”

He leaned back in his seat, twirling his pen in his fingers as he looked her over. “The Congresswoman said your name and you became a whole different person. It’s impressive.”

Emily curled a lip in distaste. “I blame the Ambassador. She drilled it into me.”

“The Ambassador?”

“My mother.” She rolled her eyes. “I haven’t seen her in years, but when Ambassador Prentiss teaches you manners - they stick.”

He chuckled, nodding. “Okay. I think I get you a little more now, Princess.”

Her stomach turned at the nickname. It wasn’t the first time someone had called her that. “Yikes. Don’t call me ‘Princess’.”

“Ooh, someone’s sensitive!”

“Morgan, I _will_ throw my stapler at you,” she threatened, snatching it off her desk and holding it up. “I never miss.”

He just laughed at her and went back to typing up his report. Smiling, Emily put the almost-weapon down. Even if she was annoyed at the nickname, she was happy to joke with a teammate. It made her feel like she was actually part of the team. 

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Blowing Garcia a kiss, JJ left her office, closing the door behind her. There wasn’t much new information on the case. The rest of the team (minus Gideon) were at the newest crime scene, trying to add new pieces to the puzzle. As she headed back to her own office, she thought about the newest member of the team.

She hadn’t lied in her text; Emily _had_ impressed Gideon. He’d come back from Guantanamo bay and told JJ that Emily’s experience had been crucial to breaking Jamal Abaza. Reid had mentioned that Emily even beat Gideon at a chess game. No wonder Gideon was impressed.

JJ liked Emily as a person, but Gideon’s word solidified her abilities as a profiler. JJ hadn’t worked with her in person yet, but she trusted Gideon’s word. He didn’t give praise where it wasn’t due. 

JJ and Emily hadn’t talked much since their first meeting. JJ was always busy during work hours and Emily left the office as soon as she was done for the day. She must have something else to do that’s just as important as work. JJ reached the elevator lobby just as the doors opened and the team exited.

Hotch looked as annoyed as always, but JJ could sense a tension between the group. Reid gave her a tight smile, and Morgan didn’t even look at her. The three men entered the bullpen. JJ watched as Emily trudged through the lobby, face kept carefully blank. She recognized that look because she wore it often.

JJ caught her arm before she could follow the men. “Hey,” she said quietly, trying to see past the mask, “did something happen?”

“No.”

Raising an eyebrow, JJ didn’t release Emily. After a moment, the dark-haired woman looked at her. “Emily…”

“I embarrassed myself,” Emily muttered, scowling. “I asked Hotch a question and he told me to mind my own business.”

Disappointingly unsurprised, JJ snorted. “Okay. I need more info than that.”

She pulled Emily to the window seat and sat her down. If she didn’t understand how frustrated Emily was, she’d think the pout on her face was comical. As it was, she settled for adorable.

When Emily didn’t speak, JJ patted her knee encouragingly. “Come on. I know you have some choice words about Hotch. They’ll stay between us.”

“Well…” She met JJ’s eyes, searching for something. She must have found it, because she said, “Hotch is a dick.”

Laughing, JJ nodded. “He’s a bully, yeah.”

“I mean, he met with Congresswoman Steyer, who I know, so I asked him what she wanted.”

“And?” JJ frowned. “What did she want?”

Emily threw her hands up. “I don’t know! He told me it was ‘a private conversation’. It’s like I asked him what his wife sounds like in bed!” She glared at the BAU’s glass doors, hands fisting in her lap. “I bet if one of the boys had asked, he would have just answered.”

Sighing, JJ patted her knee again, this time in commiseration. “It’s not you. Hotch doesn’t like being questioned.”

“No,” Emily countered, clicking her tongue. “It’s me.”

She sounded so sure that JJ believed her. She wondered if it had anything to do with that thin case file. Emily looked at her with insecurity in her eyes.

“It’ll get easier, right?” she asked quietly. “I won’t be the terrible, untrustworthy replacement forever?”

“You’ll have them eating out of your hands in no time,” JJ assured her. “If it makes you feel better, Gideon and Hotch _asked_ me to work here and I have to remind them to bring me on cases half the time.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Of course. Men suck.”

Chewing her lip, JJ tried to figure out how much she wanted to let Emily in. She was still upset about Elle leaving, but she knew that wasn’t Emily’s fault. Emily just wanted to help people. She watched Emily take a deep, shaky breath and made up her mind.

Standing, JJ took Emily’s arm again and pulled her to her feet. “Let’s go.”

“What?” Emily let JJ drag her down the hall. “I need to get back to work!”

“A few minutes won’t hurt,” JJ shot over her shoulder. “Can’t make Hotch hate you any more.”

“Good point.”

JJ chuckled as they reached Garcia’s office. She burst into the small room, startling Garcia and making her spin around in her chair. JJ released Emily and went to the door, locking it dramatically.

“Penelope!” JJ said loudly, clapping her hands. “I have decided to add Emily to our club!”

Emily looked between them with wide eyes. “Your…club?”

“Well, it’s not so much a club as a group message.” She shrugged. “Same thing.”

“Wow,” Garcia chuckled, giving Emily a onceover. “You won Jayje over quickly.” She stood up and gave JJ a sharp salute. “I accept!”

The two blondes laughed together while Emily shifted nervously. The new woman was obviously put off by their odd behavior, but JJ knew she’d enjoy being friends with them. Taking pity on her, JJ rested a gentle hand on Emily’s arm.

“We’re just joking.” She winked at Emily. “Or are we? This is a super secret text chat where we talk shit, and if you spill it - you _will_ get hit.”

“Wait,” Emily sighed, rubbing her forehead. “You’re adding me to a group message? Is that an email thing?”

Garcia rolled her eyes, opening a drawer in her desk and pulling out a phone. “Please. I wouldn’t subject normies like you two to an email thread.” She handed Emily a Blackberry. “This is your new phone. I’ll activate it for you and just transfer your contacts over. No biggie.”

They waited for Emily to respond. She stared down at the phone for a moment, face back to its neutral mask. JJ started to wonder if this was a bad idea. What if Emily didn’t approve of a secret group chat that the rest of the team didn’t know about? Would she at least keep it a secret?

Emily’s head jerked up suddenly, her hand clenching around the phone and eyes shining. “Thank you. This means a lot.”

JJ and Garcia exchanged a look, clearly on the same page. Just as JJ had suspected, Emily didn’t have many friends. Social butterflies didn’t get teary-eyed because a coworker added them as a contact. The put-together woman might not be as put-together as she seemed. JJ smiled at Emily.

“Of course. There is one condition, though.”

Emily’s shoulders dropped. “What is it?”

“You have to tell us ASAP every time Hotch is a dick.”

The rule made Emily laugh out loud, the sound surprising and infectious. JJ found herself laughing back. Emily’s bad mood seemed to dissipate and she was back to that friendly person JJ had met with a week earlier. Her bright smile made JJ’s stomach warm pleasantly.

The doorknob to Garcia’s office turned and the women quickly quieted down. JJ hurried to the door, unlocking and opening it to reveal Spencer. He waved awkwardly, looking around the room at the three of them.

“What’s up, Spence?” JJ asked him. “You need Pen?”

“Uh, no.” He pointed at Emily. “Hotch wants to see you.”

Rolling her eyes, Emily nodded. Her annoyance was palpable. “I’ll be right there.”

Spencer wandered away again and JJ turned back to Emily, fixing her with a hard stare. “As soon as he’s a dick, Em. Verbatim.”

“I’ll know if you paraphrase,” Garcia added, adding her own faux-threatening glare. “Don’t try and tone it down. We want the deets!”

“Okay!” Emily laughed, tucking the phone into her jacket. “You two drive a hard bargain.”

She grinned at them and left the office, walking quickly toward the bullpen. JJ watched her go for a moment, happy that Emily was feeling better and glad that she had a part in it. With a sigh, she shut Garcia’s door and turned around to see Garcia considering her thoughtfully.

“What?”

“Nothing!”

JJ narrowed her eyes at the obvious lie. “Penelope…”

“Jennifer…” Garcia mocked. She sat in her seat and waved a dismissive hand. “Leave. I have work to do and you do, too.”

Shaking her head, JJ obeyed her. She really did have work to do. That’s why she’d left Garcia’s office in the first place. This time when she crossed the elevator lobby, she didn’t get distracted. As she passed the glass doors, she peered inside, watching as Emily knocked on Hotch’s door. 

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Emily sat in the chair across from Hotch, keeping her eyes on him and preparing herself to be scolded. He lowered himself into the chair behind his desk. He smoothed his tie before clasping his hands on the desk and turning his stony gaze on her.

“I don’t appreciate being questioned in front of other agents.”

“That was not my intention,” she replied, shifting nervously. “I’m sorry.”

He nodded, accepting her apology. Lowering his eyes, he continued. “What did you and Congresswoman Steyer talk about the other day?”

Emily blinked, surprised at the question. Why did he want to know about their conversation? She knew that the Congresswoman had been hounding him about this case, but Emily had nothing to do with that.

“Uh,” she started, “nothing, really. She just stopped by to say hello. She worked with my mother, so I’ve known her since I was a kid.”

“Did you tip her off about this case?”

Freezing, Emily felt her heart begin to race. So that’s what this was about. Hotch thought she was a snitch. It made her furious. How dare he accuse her of something like that? Emily would never talk about cases with anyone outside their team, much less a _politician._

“No,” Emily breathed, her eyes narrowing. “Why would you think that?”

He ignored her question. “Have you spoken with her about Milly?”

“Sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but these questions are incredibly insulting.” She straightened her shoulders, doing her best to stay calm and not let her rage show. “What would make you think that I’d betray your trust, this team’s trust, or Milly’s trust like that?”

“You mysteriously get assigned to the BAU after one of my agents is involved in a questionable shooting,” he answered, voice low and steady, “and you gain custody of a good friend’s child, but I’ve never heard him speak of you.”

Emily’s jaw clenched so hard that her head began to hurt. She wanted to scream at Hotch, tell him that he was being overly paranoid and aggressive. However, she knew how her sudden appearance in his life might look from the outside. He had no idea what she’d done or what she was capable of.

“Sir,” she said, unclenching her teeth and trying to seem as sincere as possible, “I promise I am not a plant, and I am not an enemy of this team.”

“I don’t think you’re an enemy of the team,” he told her. His gaze softened slightly. “You’ve done good work, I’m not denying that, but I will not put up with a political agenda.”

“I hate politics,” Emily sighed, closing her eyes. “I think it makes people distrustful and it makes them hate themselves. I think it tears families apart and damages people. I have absolutely no interest in politics and I would never subject _myself_ to them, much less Milly.”

He just looked at her for a moment, weighing the truth of her words. “How did you go from a desk job in Chicago to a place on this team? The skills you’ve shown go beyond reading books or auditing lectures.”

Emily licked her lips, knowing that she couldn’t tell him the truth. Even if she wanted to talk about Doyle, which she didn’t, that case was classified and even Hotch didn’t have clearance. It was difficult to think of an answer to his question that didn’t involve a lie.

“That’s classified,” Emily said slowly, giving him a meaningful look. “I would tell you otherwise, sir, but you don’t have the clearance.”

His eyebrows shot up at her comment. “Is that supposed to make me trust you more?”

“Honestly?” she asked, shrugging. “I don’t need you to trust me on a personal level. Do you trust me to solve these cases? Do you trust me to support this team?”

He hesitated, but nodded. “I do.”

“Then I think we’re done here.” She stood and stared down at him with cold, dark eyes. “Sir.”

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_Send me your best ‘Hotch’ face_

Emily smiled at her Blackberry, the glow bright in her pitch-black bedroom. It was late, but they’d only just caught their killer. He was some religious nut who’d decided to take justice into his own hands. Emily didn’t have the energy to think about him.

Instead, she was thinking about JJ. Penelope was still at work, so Emily and JJ were just texting each other. It had started with Emily relaying (some) of her conversation with Hotch and somehow they were here. JJ was requesting Emily’s best impression of Hotch.

 _I don’t know,_ Emily texted back. _What if you use it against me?_

_Don’t you trust me? :(_

The emoji made Emily grin at her phone like an idiot. She could imagine the pout on JJ’s face as she begged for a picture from Emily. Biting her lip, Emily decided that JJ had earned a funny photo. It could be her reward for letting Emily into their little club.

Crawling out of bed, Emily snuck out of her room to the bathroom. Milly was actually sleeping soundly, so she wanted to make sure not to wake her. The poor girl rarely slept through the night. Thankfully, Emily made it into the bathroom without incident.

She shut the door and turned the light on, squinting in the bright light. Catching herself in the mirror, she had to cover her mouth before she laughed too loudly. The squinty look definitely worked for Hotch.

She moved to the mirror and opened the camera app on her Blackberry, aiming it at the mirror. It felt weird to take a picture of herself like this, but it was for JJ. Emily scowled as deeply as she could, squinting her eyes and straightening up.

Her phone clicked loudly and she looked at the picture. It was ridiculous. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun and her oversized black t-shirt dwarfed her thin frame, but damn if she didn’t look like Hotch. She sent JJ the picture and headed back to her room.

She managed to get back in bed without waking Milly and settled under the covers. Staring at her phone, waiting for JJ’s response, she couldn’t stop herself from smiling. It felt impossible that she’d made a friend so quickly, but it seemed she had. JJ made her feel so welcome, unlike the men on the team.

_Oh. My. God._

_You look JUST like him!_

_Wait. I’ll be Gideon._

Emily grinned at her phone, chuckling to herself. JJ had to be as exhausted as she was, but apparently neither of them could sleep. She wondered if JJ was staying awake just to message her. That shouldn’t make her as happy as it did. She’d just had so few friends and now a woman as cool as JJ was willing to stay up and talk to her. Her phone pinged and she opened the picture at lightning speed.

JJ had gone to her bathroom, too. She was staring into the mirror with her entire face scrunched together. She looked nothing like Jason Gideon, but she was trying so hard to look gruff and furious that Emily’s heart warmed. 

Besides the ridiculous face, JJ looked adorable. She was wearing a sky blue tanktop that clung to her gentle curves. Her shorts were the same blue, decorated with rabbits. It was so simple, but Emily’s heart skipped a beat at the sight. Pushing her thoughts from her head, she saved the picture to her phone and refused to think about why she was doing it.

Licking her lips, she switched back to their text message. _Terrifying. Tell me why I stutter._

_No one knows!!!_

Emily bit her lip to keep from laughing. _You think he made it up?_

_I’m too tired to think anything right now._

_Me too. See you tomorrow!_

_Goodnight!_

_Sleep tight!_

_Don’t let the Hotch-bugs bite!_

Emily groaned at the terrible image. _Now I’m going to have nightmares!_

_Would you rather they were Gideon-bugs?_

_I’d rather not think about men biting me at all._ Emily realized that her message could be taken out of context and winced. Well, actually, she wanted her message to be taken out of context. If they were in context, then it would be a really lesbian comment to make. _Or Bugs._

_Good night, Emily Prentiss._

_Good night, Jennifer Jareau._


	4. Flashed Junk Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x12 - Profiler, Profiled
> 
> please please comment and let you know what you think! I've never done a re-write like this before and I'm nervous!  
> ALSO, I'm super open to asks on tumblr (top-jj-rights) and let's talk about what I should make CANON!

JJ sat on the bed in their hotel room, looking through case files. They’d arrested Carl Buford hours ago and Hotch knew that the team needed some time to decompress. So, they were spending the night in Chicago before flying back after Damien Walters’ funeral in the morning. She was relieved that Derek wasn’t a suspect anymore, but she was heartbroken for him as well.

She had had a difficult childhood, filled with her own specific trauma, and she could understand what it did to a person. Derek had to carry that weight for so long, alone. He must be exhausted. JJ knew she was.

One small blessing was that not everyone on the team knew about it. JJ had left it out of the press release and she knew that Derek would tell everyone when he was ready. She just added it to the list of secrets she knew about her teammates.

With a heavy sigh, she closed a file, deciding it wasn’t urgent enough for their team, and tossed it aside. There were only 20 more to get to before she could sleep. She just needed to push through.

“Can’t you take a night off?”

Looking up, JJ smiled at Emily. The dark-haired woman was sprawled lazily across her own bed, reading a novel. This was the first time they’d shared a hotel room, but JJ wasn’t surprised that Emily wore a faded Georgetown t-shirt and cut-off sweats to bed. She was also not surprised that Emily was a big reader.

“Crime doesn’t sleep,” JJ answered, smiling wryly. “That means I don’t sleep either.”

“Come on.” Emily closed her book, keeping a finger between the pages to mark her spot. “You can take a night off. We’re supposed to be celebrating.”

JJ glanced around the room. “Yeah… We’re really living it up.”

“Alright,” Emily said, shrugging and opening her book again. “Have fun.”

Emily’s attention turned back to her book and JJ took another file off the pile beside her, dropping it onto the bed. Flipping it open, she was greeted by the same gruesome images she always was. This case was four missing co-eds who had gone camping together before the semester started up again. It was terrible, but there was nothing to suggest a serial crime.

Licking her lips, JJ looked over at Emily again. It felt weird to be alone like this. Usually, when they talked privately, it was over text and, even then, it was with Penelope. Emily had been with their team for less than a month, so it wasn’t really surprising that they hadn’t had a lot of opportunity to talk.

Still, JJ was curious about her. She watched as Emily shifted, sitting up and crossing her legs. She moved her book onto her lap, rested an elbow on her knee, and dropped her chin onto a fist. Her dark hair was tied up in a ponytail, giving JJ a good look at her face.

There was something about Emily that felt  _ different _ . JJ wasn’t a profiler, but even she could see that Emily was keeping a lot back. She never offered more information than she was asked to give. The two times the team had gone out together after work, she’d turned down JJ’s invitation. Emily just wasn’t open to bonding with the others.

At the same time, JJ could tell that Emily really wanted to be a part of the team. She listened intently to every detail they gave and she’d been quick to take Derek’s side as soon as they learned he was a suspect. Every text JJ, or Garcia, sent was answered quickly. Emily was just hard to parse.

“Stop staring,” Emily muttered, still reading her book. “You’re making me itch.”

JJ blushed, glancing away. “Sorry.”

Dark eyes flicked up to JJ’s face, contemplating the reasons the blonde woman might be watching her. JJ looked back toward her, smiling lightly. Emily’s face was closed off, but she blinked and a pleasant smile made her easier to look at.

“If you have something to say, then say it,” she chuckled. The phrase was blunt, but her tone was casual. “I have a feeling we’ll be sharing a lot of hotel rooms, so we might as well talk about it now.”

“There’s no ‘it’,” JJ assured her, straightening her spine. “I was just thinking.”

“About?”

Lifting her hands over her head, JJ arched her back. She’d been hunched over her files for a long time and her muscles were starting to ache. As she stretched, her tanktop rode up on her waist and Emily’s eyes dropped to the exposed skin for a moment. JJ quickly dropped her arms again and fixed her shirt.

“We’ve been working together for a couple weeks now and I still don’t know a lot about you,” JJ answered. She shrugged. “I was just thinking.”

Emily arched an eyebrow. “Uh-huh.” Folding the edge of the page she was on, Emily shut the book and tossed it onto the nightstand between their beds. She rested both elbows on her knees and, suddenly, JJ had her full attention. “Trying to profile me? Leave that to the profilers.”

Smirking, JJ moved her stack of files aside, so she could turn and face Emily fully, mirroring her position. “Ok, SSA Prentiss. Profile me.”

Emily’s eyes widened like she hadn’t expected JJ to challenge her, but she straightened up and narrowed her eyes and tapped her chin thoughtfully. “This is strictly preliminary,” she said preemptively. “So, if I’m wrong…”

“Yeah, yeah,” JJ laughed, flipping her ponytail over her shoulder. “I won’t sue.”

“Oh, good.” Emily returned her laugh, grinning. “Alright, Agent Jareau. Well, you’re a white female, 28-years-old...Single?” She waited for JJ to nod before continuing. “Not rich, but comfortable. Average height, slim build-”

“This is boring,” JJ interrupted. “None of that is impressive. Tell me about my upbringing! What are my  _ vulnerabilities _ ?” She raised a challenging eyebrow, lips curling up into a playful smile. “Isn’t that what you all do?”

Emily flushed, sniffing regally as if she was insulted. “I’m getting there, JJ. Have some patience.” Her eyes lit up. “You are impatient. I’ve noticed that. You always want to know information, but don’t like listening to explanations. You can barely pay attention when detectives introduce their officers, and you’re always the first one on the plane and the first one off it.”

“Wow,” JJ said, smiling. “Very observant.”

“I think you’re shy, but you’ve gotten very good at seeming personable and approachable. You’re friendly with everyone, but you only have a few friends. You care more about working with local police and comforting families than you do about giving press conferences. So, I think that you’re not very emotional, even though you feel deeply. You haven’t had many best friends or romantic relationships, because you don’t feel like anyone has met your standards in terms of depth of care. The bad moments in your life have influenced what you look for in a personal connection and, if someone doesn’t seem right, you distance yourself before they have the chance to disappoint you, and they always disappoint you.”

JJ blinked at Emily. Was she really so transparent? Or, had Emily just looked that close? Even without knowing anything about JJ, Emily saw her better than anyone else she’d ever known. Her heart beat hard in her chest, making her nauseous and knocking her off-kilter. How did she respond to that without confirming everything?

“Sorry,” Emily breathed, nervously picking at her hands. “I got caught up in it.”

Shaking her head, JJ sucked in air and straightened her back. “I asked for it,” she said quietly. “I just wasn’t expecting…”

“Hey,” Emily said suddenly, grinning. “You can do me, too. Profile me.”

“I’m not a profiler,” JJ chuckled nervously. She was immensely grateful to have the focus off of her personality. “You made that very clear.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “I was clearly joking. You choose our cases and you’re always the first one who notices when one of us needs to talk. You have a sharp eye, Jayje.”

The compliments made JJ’s heart slow. It was good to know that Emily didn’t judge her for any of the flaws she’d so clearly stated. Now, it was her turn to try and piece Emily together. Demonstrating what she knew was a great way to learn more.

“Alright, Em. I hope you’re ready.”

“I was born ready,” Emily laughed, but JJ could see a slight tension around her eyes. “Besides, I think I already know myself fairly well.”

“No, you don’t,” JJ said softly. She picked at her pajama pants as she met Emily’s eyes. “I’ve been watching you and I don’t think you know who you are at all. You know the things that have happened to you, and that you’ve done, but that doesn’t make a person and I think you know that.”

Emily’s mouth tightened and JJ knew she was on the right track.

“You have a lot of secrets and you don’t want anyone to notice or ask, but you want to talk about them. Whatever they are, they affect every decision you make, so if someone knew every secret you have, they’d know exactly what you want to do. I think you grew up under a lot of pressure, had a strict code of conduct, didn’t have the opportunity to express yourself, and that’s why you don’t know who you are. Even though you stand by your choices, you’re never quite sure of them, but changing your mind would mean acknowledging weakness and you’re not weak.”

JJ stopped talking, biting her lip as she waited for Emily to say something. Somehow, their playful teasing had turned into something incredibly serious. Emily’s head dropped and she stared down at her hands. Seeming to realize that she was picking at her fingernails, she put her hands on her knees and met JJ’s eyes.

Something had changed in those few seconds that Emily was looking away. The tension around her eyes was gone and the worried frown had turned into an easy smile. JJ couldn’t quantify the change, but it was more than just the fact that her obvious distress was gone. There were only a couple of feet between their beds, but it felt like Emily was miles away.

“You’re good at that,” Emily joked, grinning. “Maybe you  _ should _ be a profiler.”

JJ shrugged. “No, thank you. I like my job.”

She watched Emily carefully, searching for any sign of the woman she’d just been talking to. It had felt like they were talking honestly. Maybe that’s what made Emily put her mask on so quickly. JJ wished she could do that. It seemed like a useful skill.

“Hey, JJ?” Emily asked softly, looking up at her through her lashes. “Can I ask you a question?”

JJ nodded immediately. “Of course.”

“Do you think the rest of the team has noticed what you’ve noticed?”

“Oh…” JJ took a long breath, thinking about the interactions she’d seen. “I don’t think so. I know they’re watching you because you’re new, but I doubt they’re profiling you.”

Emily blew out air through her nose in a weak semblance of a laugh. “So, just you then?”

“Oh my god,” JJ gasped, putting a hand over her mouth, her face growing hot. “I promise I’m not a creep.”

“I’m joking,” Emily told her again, actually laughing. Her practiced ease lessened and she seemed closer. “It’s ok. I don’t mind.” She hesitated for a moment, unsure of herself. “It’s nice to be seen.”

Heart hurting for the shyness in Emily’s voice, JJ smiled at her. She understood how hard it was to hide yourself for a long time and have nobody notice. She’d had plenty of experience with it.

“The guys will get better,” JJ told her, “and if they don’t, then Pen and I have your back. We see you.”

“Thanks.”

A phone rang, startling them both. JJ jumped and almost fell off the bed while Emily flew backward away from the sound. Their eyes meeting, both women cackled loudly at how ridiculous their reaction was. Flicking a loose strand of hair from her face, Emily picked up her phone from the nightstand and glanced at the screen.

“I have to get this,” she said, flashing JJ an apologetic smile before standing and heading for the door. She answered as she left the room. “Hi, honey….”

The door closed behind her. JJ’s stomach sank at the pet name Emily had used. It was more surprising than she would have expected. Emily didn’t seem like someone who had a boyfriend. JJ couldn’t even imagine what he’d be like and wouldn’t having a boyfriend make Emily feel less lonely? Why did she feel so invisible if she had a partner who should see her fully?

Recognizing that that was a rabbithole she didn’t need to go down, JJ decided it was time to go to sleep. She gathered the files from her bed, making sure to keep the ‘read’ pile distinct from the ‘unread’ pile so she wouldn’t have to go through them again. She dropped them onto the nightstand with a sigh.

Emily Prentiss was difficult to parse. Even with her ‘profile’, JJ wasn’t sure she knew the woman at all. Maybe a few more weeks would shed some like on the mysterious agent. They’d be spending a lot of time together anyway, so they’d have to talk a lot. JJ let that thought comfort her as she crawled into bed and fell asleep.

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She woke up a few hours later, something dragging her to wakefulness. It took her a moment to realize she was even awake and she rubbed her eyes, laying tangled in her sheets and trying to figure out why she wasn’t asleep. The hotel room was dark and silent, nothing seeming to be out of place.

JJ sat up, yawning and pushing loose hair from her face. Her ponytail was ruined, so she just pulled it out and put the band on her wrist. She started shaking out her hair, but froze when Emily whimpered.

Squinting through the darkness at the other woman, she stayed as still as possible so she could hear if Emily made another noise. As she looked at Emily, she saw that she was curled into a tight ball, her hands clutching the sheets in tight fists. Like her, Emily’s ponytail hung low and messy. As her eyes adjusted, she could make out a shine on Emily’s cheek and realized that she was crying.

“No!” Emily gasped in her sleep, somehow curling into herself even more. “Please!”

JJ wasn’t sure what to do. Should she wake Emily up? Dimly, she remembered reading that someone in the middle of a nightmare might act out violently if they were woken up. At the same time, it was painful to listen to Emily cry, body quaking with each sharp sob.

“I can’t do it,” Emily told her invisible enemy. “Don’t make me do it.”

JJ couldn’t listen to it anymore. If Emily’s cries had woken her up, then they’d been happening for a while. It wasn’t easy to wake JJ up and only prolonged noise would have done it. Emily whimpered again and JJ threw her covers back, climbing out of bed.

She walked around Emily’s bed, climbing onto the empty side. Sitting behind Emily, JJ reached out, resting a hand gently on her back. Emily flinched slightly, but otherwise she didn’t react.

“Emily?” JJ whispered, shaking her slightly. “Wake up.”

The soft volume didn’t work and Emily just cried out as if she’d been hit. JJ wondered what was happening in her head. Was this one of Emily’s many secrets? 

Biting her lip, JJ tried again, shaking Emily a little bit harder. Emily woke suddenly, sitting up and twisting around to face JJ in one easy move. She drew a fist back, lifting onto her knees, ready to punch the blonde woman, but recognized her just in time. She blinked, looking wild and disoriented.

“What?” Emily muttered, looking around the room. “What’s going on?”

JJ took a deep breath, happy that she hadn’t been on the receiving end of Emily’s frantic punch. “You were having a nightmare.”

“Oh god,” Emily groaned, shifting to sit down. She dropped her face into her hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s fine.” Hesitating, JJ slowly reached toward her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Are you ok?”

Emily gave her a sideways glare through her fingers. “Really?”

“Sorry.” 

Sighing, Emily lowered her hands and shrugged awkwardly. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about having nightmares. I can request a private room in the future.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” JJ told her. She scooted closer, wrapping her arm around Emily’s shoulder in a loose hug. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“You say that now,” Emily joked, leaning into JJ instinctually. She let her head fall onto JJ’s shoulder. “Is this ok?”

JJ threw her other arm around Emily, tugging her close and resting her head on the older woman’s head. “Of course. We can stay like this for as long as you need.”

Emily didn’t answer, but she put her legs over JJ’s and pulled her hair tie out so her hair fell loosely. They sat together in a comfortable silence for a while, JJ lazily running her fingers through Emily’s dark hair and Emily just breathing. It felt nice to hold someone close and JJ wasn’t in any hurry to pull away.

She wanted to read into and think about how often Emily was held like this, but she did her best to stay in the moment. Emily just needed comfort. She didn’t need to be profiled. So, JJ hummed softly and leaned back against the headboard, taking Emily with her.

“Ok,” Emily said weakly, “you can go back to bed.”

JJ pulled away so she could meet Emily’s tired eyes. “Do you want me to go?”

Biting her lip, Emily hesitated, clearly feeling torn between wanting comfort and not wanting to open up. Her eyes filled with unshed tears and she rested her head against JJ’s shoulder again. That was answer enough.

“I could sleep in your bed?” JJ suggested. She’d read that having physical comfort helped with nightmares. “Would that help?”

“Yes,” Emily answered quickly. “At home, Mil- Uh. Yes. If you don’t mind.”

JJ pushed away the strange feeling that filled her chest at Emily’s slip and smiled. “Ok. Lay down.”

Emily pulled away from her, leaving her cold. “You really don’t have to do this. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

“We’re teammates,” JJ reminded her. She adjusted the bedsheets to cover them both. “We take care of each other. Besides, it’s not weird. We’re both girls, right?”

Emily blushed, but she nodded. “Yeah.”

Laying down, JJ got comfortable and opened her arms, inviting Emily in. “Come on. I’ve got you.”

Blinking rapidly, Emily’s head tilted up for a moment, her eyes fixing on the ceiling. She took a few hard breaths before nodding to herself. JJ filed away the action for future reference, so she’d know what Emily looked like when she needed support.

Emily finally seemed ready to go back to sleep. She slid down to rest her head on the pillow and turned to face JJ. “Thank you. You don’t have to do this again. I’ll handle myself better.”

“Jesus Christ,” JJ mumbled, glaring at Emily. “Is it always this hard to be nice to you?”

“Probably?” 

“Well, stop it.” JJ grabbed Emily’s shoulders and yanked her close, forcing her to move into the circle of JJ’s arms. Despite being tense, Emily pushed herself into JJ, tangling their legs together and tucking her head under JJ’s chin. “There you go.”

“You’re a pretty mean caretaker,” Emily said against JJ’s chest, making her heartbeat quicken. “Aren’t you supposed to be nice to me?”

JJ tugged the blanket up until it covered Emily’s shoulders and then laid her arm over it, keeping Emily in place. “It’s called ‘tough love,’ Prentiss. Get used to it.”

“Careful.” Emily yawned, already falling asleep again. “I just might.”

Not sure what to think about that, JJ just closed her eyes. Emily’s body was warm against her and her hands clutched JJ’s tanktop. It felt good to have someone in her arms, someone who needed her, and she fell into a deep and restful sleep.


	5. Fresh Pair of Eyes

JJ winced as another bloody image appeared on Penelope’s screen. Their unsub had killed over 100 people, each one of them drugged with Ketamine and dismembered while they were still alive. The pictures were _not_ pretty.

“This is the worst part of the job,” Garcia sighed, looking away from her screen. She grimaced at JJ. “It’s really bad, right? I’m not just a baby?”

Nodding, JJ patted Garcia’s shoulder, sitting in the seat beside her. “It’s bad, Pen. I’m sure it’s worse in person.”

Garcia groaned, re-organizing her trinkets instead of taking in the pictures that flicked across her computer. “Poor babies. I should get them cupcakes for when they get back.”

“It’ll be too late for that,” JJ told her, crossing her legs on her seat. She made herself look at the autopsy photos. Some computer program was looking for obvious patterns, beyond the dismemberment. “It’s a nice thought, though. I’m sure they’d appreciate it.”

“Oh, Emily is probably having such a hard time!”

JJ blinked at Garcia. “Uh...Yeah. I’m sure they all are.”

Rolling her eyes, Garcia smacked JJ’s knee. “Emily came off a desk job,” she reminded JJ. “She’s probably not used to so much gore.”

She was right, JJ realized. Emily had come out of the Midwest after 10 years at a desk. It was one of the things that made her thin file so suspicious. Anyone who had done as much paperwork as Emily should have a record of cases, lists of police departments she’d consulted with, and several recommendations. If Emily made it into the BAU, then she had to have done something worth recognizing.

Watching the bloody photos, JJ thought about how awful it must be to see it in person. Emily would have to deal with the smell and the unignorable reality of the brutal murders. She was probably struggling.

“Maybe we _should_ get her some cupcakes,” JJ sighed, scratching her chin. “I can’t imagine what she’s thinking.”

“Oh, so you’ll get Emily cupcakes,” Garcia started, squinting at her, “but you won’t buy your _friends_ cupcakes?”

“Pen, stop.” JJ crossed her arms, leaning back in her chair. “You were the one who was worried about her. Do you have a crush on her?”

Garcia nodded enthusiastically. “Of course, I do! Don’t you? A beautiful woman like that? How could you not?”

JJ snorted, but she had to agree with Garcia. Emily was beautiful. Anyone could see that. That didn’t mean JJ had a crush on her. She barely knew Emily! It was just that she had firsthand experience dealing with the men on the team and having a hard time with gore. JJ still wasn’t used to it after a few years.

“I’ll just send her a nice text,” JJ muttered, pulling her phone out of her back pocket. “That’s fine, right?”

Garcia eyed her, a knowing smile tugging at her lips. “We’ve got a group text going for a reason, babe.”

“Oh, shut up.”

JJ chewed on her lip while she tried to think about what to say. She didn’t want to sound like she was making light about all the death, but at the same time, a serious message wouldn’t make Emily feel any better. She noticed Garcia watching her and rolled her eyes.

_Hope things aren’t too gruesome in Nevada! We’re here if you need to talk!_

Garcia’s phone vibrated and she looked at JJ’s text. Chuckling, she grinned at the other woman. “Two exclamation points? That’s a little...excited, isn’t it?”

“She’s never said anything about it before,” JJ shot back. She stuck her tongue out. “Mind your own business!”

The phone in her hand buzzed and JJ looked down at Emily’s response.

_Sharing a room with Reid. It’s worse than the murder. He recites Carl Sagan lectures in his sleep. Did you know that? He doesn’t even rock me to sleep like you do._

_Garcia - look up how to dismember someone without getting caught. Wait. I’ll just make it look like our unsub did it._

JJ laughed at the message, glancing up at Garcia, who seemed even more amused. “What?” JJ asked, exasperated. “It’s a perfectly normal message!”

“You rock her to sleep?”

Turning a deep red, JJ shrugged, trying to think of a good excuse. She didn’t want to tell Penelope about Emily’s nightmares without permission. “It’s a joke. She’s joking because usually the two of us share a room. I don’t rock her to sleep.”

Garcia opened her mouth to say something else, but closed it again. JJ could practically see the gears in her head turning. She wanted to tell her that it wasn’t what she thought, but any denial would be seen as confirmation. At least JJ knew it wasn’t like that.

The computer beeped as it finished processing the photos. Thankful for the distraction, JJ rolled her chair closer to Garcia and squinted at the small words on the screen. It looked like they had found something.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_Is Reid gay?_

JJ blinked sleepily at her phone. The question seemed to come out of nowhere, but then JJ remembered that Emily and Spence had spent the last few hours talking to RV owners, trying to get information about their unsub. Apparently, Reid had made an impression of sorts.

“What do you think?” Penelope asked her, holding up her phone when JJ looked at her. “Is he gay?”

 _I don’t think so_ , JJ texted in response. _But who knows, right?_

“He could be gay,” she said out loud, shrugging. “You can’t always tell just by looking at someone.”

Garcia raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Glaring at her, JJ stuck her tongue out. “Yeah, it’s like when I look at you and I can’t tell how annoying you can be.”

“Touché,” Garcia laughed. She turned back to her computer and pulled up a map of Golconda. “I suppose Reid could be gay. He spends enough time with my sculpted god of a man, Derek Morgan.”

“You think he and Morgan have something going on?” JJ’s mouth dropped open. “No way! Is _Derek_ gay?”

Garcia didn’t look at her. She just zoomed in on a map that JJ knew they didn’t need to look at right now. “Who can say…”

_I’m pretty sure he’s some kind of gay._

“Some kind of gay,” JJ repeated out loud. “What does that mean?”

“Oh, my sweet summer child,” Garcia sighed. She turned in her chair again to smile kindly at JJ. “You know there’s more than just ‘gay’ or ‘straight’, right?”

Blushing, JJ nodded even though she wasn’t entirely sure. “Yeah, of course.”

“Some people like both, or neither, or several, or none,” Garcia continued. “It’s a big, wide world, Jayje! Lots of options!”

JJ’s stomach turned unpleasantly. A heavy, nauseous feeling was building in her chest as the conversation drifted into dangerous territory. She wasn’t sure why, but the idea that liking women was even an option made her want to cry. It made terror rise in her throat and her heart race. Memories of hot tears, screamed words, and sleepless nights started coming back to her and she cleared her throat, shaking her head to chase them away.

“I bet Prentiss is gay,” Garcia said thoughtfully, tapping her chin. “She’s got that _vibe,_ you know?”

“If you say so,” JJ muttered, the rock in her stomach growing. “I heard her talking on the phone when we were in Chicago. I think she has a boyfriend or something.”

Garcia’s eyes widened and she quickly turned back to her computer, pulling up random files. JJ knew that behavior. There was a secret that Garcia wasn’t telling her. Rolling her chair closer, JJ rested her arm on the desk and leaned in close to the flushed tech analyst.

“Penelope…” JJ cooed, grinning dangerously. “What is it?”

“Nothing!”

JJ laughed at her. “So, there is something! What is it? Do you know about Emily’s boyfriend?”

Garcia whipped around to face her, eyes wide and skin pale. “Please, JJ. I really can’t tell you. It’s a big deal. Stop pushing. Please.”

“Oh.” JJ blinked in surprise at the panic in Garcia’s voice. The other woman looked genuinely nervous. “Ok. Sorry.”

“It’s nothing bad!” Penelope assured her. “It’s just…”

“It’s ok, Pen. I get it. We’ve all got private stuff.”

_Ok. This might just be me, but is Morgan bi? That man loves women, but the way he looks at Reid…_

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

JJ parked in her apartment’s garage, sitting back in her seat and taking a deep breath. It was always hard to let an unsub go, but she knew that there was no way Gideon would ever risk losing those children. At least it was over, for now, and maybe Frank would stop killing now that he had Jane. She knew that wasn’t going to happen, but she had to be optimistic.

She wished she could say the same for the pit in her stomach. She still wasn’t sure what it was about. If her teammates were gay, then good for them; it didn’t bother her. _She_ wasn’t gay. Everyone messed around as a kid, right?

Rolling her eyes at herself, she turned her car off and unbuckled her seatbelt. There was no use talking herself into a panic attack when she didn’t have to. She grabbed her go-bag from the passenger seat and headed for the stairwell.

She lived in a small apartment in Alexandria. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was pretty cheap and she was saving up for a house. Starting up the stairs to her floor, she felt her phone vibrate. It could wait 10 minutes.

JJ didn’t really have a _reason_ to buy a house, but she wanted to do it anyway. It would be nice to live somewhere that didn’t feel temporary. Ever since she’d turned 18, she’d moved every couple of years, going from one-bedroom apartment to one-bedroom apartment. Buying a two-story home with a garage and a garden in the backyard seemed like an accomplishment. She could almost afford it.

Reaching her floor, she exited the stairwell and walked to her apartment. Once she was inside, she went straight to her bedroom to toss her go-bag onto the bed. She’d do laundry in the morning. Probably. Maybe.

JJ sighed, pulling her phone out of her pocket and sitting on the bed. It was a text from Emily to their private message. JJ wasn’t entirely sure why they had a message separate from Penelope, but liked having a conversation just to themselves.

_I have to admit, the rib-bone wind chimes got to me._

Smiling, JJ brushed her thumb over her Blackberry’s keyboard. Emily was on the jet with the team, flying back to DC. She could have talked to any one of them, but she’d chosen to text JJ instead. The thought made JJ blush.

Jumping up to turn the light on in her room, JJ opened her camera app. She held her phone up and crossed her eyes, sticking her tongue out and raising her eyebrows. She didn’t know what to say that would make Emily feel better, but a funny face never hurt.

Giggling at the picture, she sent it off and walked back to bed. It was nearly midnight and JJ had spent the last two days catching catnaps in Penelope’s office. She was exhausted. Pushing her bag off the bed, she tossed her phone down and stripped to her underwear.

She’d worry about showering in the morning. Her body hurt from leaning over desks and pacing. A long, deep sleep was exactly what she needed. Crawling into bed, she picked up her phone again. A message came through from Emily.

It was a blurry picture of her face. She was sitting alone in the corner of the plane and JJ imagined that she was curled up on one of the large leather seats. Emily had brought a large, heavy blanket on their first flight. She was probably tucked under it now. JJ hoped Emily was as comfortable and warm as she was.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Emily stared out the window as Hotch drove them from Quantico to his house in Manassas. It was almost 3AM and she was exhausted. There had been so much about this case that made her uncomfortable, made her think about herself, and she was ready to take Milly home and forget about it.

The strangest part about the whole thing was how _convinced_ Frank and Jane were that they were in love. They believed in the power of love to fix everything that was wrong with them. Love would make Frank stop killing. Love would make Jane stable. Love would keep them together.

It was a foreign concept to Emily. Not just a love that intense, but a faith in love at all. She didn’t think she’d ever seen it. Her parents hadn’t been in love and she was pretty sure they didn’t love her. Had she ever been in love herself?

Like always, the question brought her back to Doyle. Her year with Doyle had made her question everything she knew. As much as she told herself that it had been _Lauren_ that fell for Doyle, that it had been _Lauren_ that had sex with Doyle, that it had been _Lauren_ who died, she never quite believed it. After all, wasn’t Lauren just Emily in disguise?

What did it mean if she loved Doyle? Was it worse to have fallen in love, or worse to betray the person she was in love with? Emily sighed, absently picking at her fingernails. She didn’t even know if she had really loved Doyle. What did that say about her?

She could spend a year of her life with someone, sleep with them every night, learn everything about them, and then feel nothing when it all ended. How did that translate to Milly? Emily cared about her, but if Milly were taken away, how much would she miss her?

It was all too much to think about after such a stressful case. Pushing the thoughts from her head, Emily closed her eyes. She counted up to 10 and then back down to 1 a few times, clearing her mind and calming her body. When she had relaxed again, she focused on the houses as their car passed by. They reminded her that she was here, now, as Emily and that there was plenty of time to work herself out.

“I get it,” Hotch mumbled, stopping at a red light. He kept his eyes fixed on the streetlights. “It’s hard to see kids in danger when you have one.”

Emily clenched her jaw. She and Hotch were still on bad terms. They worked well together, but they were not friends and Emily didn’t want to have a heart-to-heart with him. The traffic light turned green and Hotch made a left onto his street.

“I need you to promise me something,” Emily said, looking at him. 

He hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Go ahead.”

Taking a deep breath, Emily put her hands on her knees to stop herself from picking at them. “Whatever disagreements we have, Milly won’t be punished. You and I don’t have to be friends, but I need you to promise me that Haley will watch Milly.”

“Of course.” His hands tightened around the steering wheel. “I would never use Milly.”

“Good.”

They reached Hotch’s house and he parked behind Haley’s car. Emily had parked beside Haley when she’d dropped Milly off and driven in with Hotch; it was more practical than both of them driving to Hotch’s, or work, or Emily’s. 

Emily got out of the car, moving to the backseat to grab her go-bag. Neither of them spoke as they gathered their things and started for the front door. Hotch let them into the dark house, small pools of light coming from the various nightlights in every room. Emily looked around, taking it in. 

She usually only saw the view from the entranceway. Milly would meet her here, she’d thank Hotch and Haley, and then they’d leave. Now, she wasn’t sure what to do. It was really late and Milly was probably asleep. Emily didn’t know what room she’d be in.

Haley came out of the bedroom in her pajamas and smiled at Emily. “Hi,” she greeted quietly, holding her arms out. “How are you?”

They hugged, Emily pulling away first. She tucked her hair behind her ears nervously. Haley hugged Hotch, too.

“I’m good,” Emily told her, brushing her palms on her pants. “Where’s Milly?”

“She’s in the guest room.” Haley pointed to the hallway. “Second door on the left.”

“Thanks.”

Emily slipped out of her shoes, leaving them by the door, and went to the guest room. She padded softly across the carpet, stopping by the guest room door. Should she wake Milly up? Unsure, she opened the door as quietly as possible and walked inside.

The room was dark, but a streetlight poured orange light in through one window. Milly slept on a large bed, curled up right in the center, her curly black hair tied up in a ponytail. She was sleeping soundly, not a nightmare in sight.

Dropping her go-bag inside the door, Emily carefully walked to the bed, sitting down on the bed in front of Milly. Her hand trembled as she reached out to brush the back of her hand over Milly’s cheek. Milly shifted and Emily jerked her hand back.

What was she to Milly? Besides a new caretaker? Milly had a mother, so what was Emily? She might as well have been a surrogate for Daniel and Caroline. She was just the incubator. But what did that mean now?

She didn’t know if she loved Milly and it made her feel so guilty to doubt her affection for her own child, but she couldn’t force herself to feel something. Was it enough that she cared about Milly? Was it enough that she was going to give her the best life possible? Was it enough that she would never leave her behind again?

Emily had to believe it. She had to believe that her choices mattered, that the future was what mattered. Lauren was behind her now and Milly was ahead. Emily could make up for her past mistakes by giving Milly the chance to make new ones.

She felt something wet drop onto her leg and she realized that she was crying. Emily wiped her face quickly, sniffing sharply. Lifting her head, she blinked rapidly, doing her best to push her emotions back into the darkness that lived in her chest. She couldn’t let Hotch see her cry.

“Prentiss?”

Cursing under her breath, Emily smiled and turned to the door. Hotch was standing there, his tie undone and suit jacket missing. He was looking at her with sympathy and it just made her angry.

“Sorry,” Emily muttered. “I’ll wake her up and get out of your hair.”

“No.” He gestured to where her go-bag sat on the floor. “You’ve got a change of clothes. Spend the night. Get some rest.”

Emily pinched her lips together, tempted to decline on principle. She knew it was best for Milly, though. Nodding, she started taking her socks off.

“Thanks, Hotch.”

He shut the door, leaving Emily and Milly in the dark room together. If she pretended that this was a hotel room and not her Unit Chief’s guest room, it wasn’t that weird. It didn’t take her long to strip out of her jeans and blouse, and then she crawled into bed with Milly, climbing over her to lay behind her.

Like always, Milly’s body was warm in her arms and it was a comfort to hold her. At least if Emily was going to spend the night at Hotch’s, she was with Milly and wouldn’t have any nightmares. She’d die before Hotch knew how often she woke up screaming. Resting her forehead against Milly’s shoulder, Emily closed her eyes and fell asleep.


	6. Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x14 - The Big Game
> 
> Hello! This is the first major change that I'm making to canon! It's exciting, but also - the next few chapters are going to be very heavy. I'll put warnings before them, but consider this your pre-warning warning. You'll understand why after you've read this chapter.
> 
> Also, I'm going to call mental illnesses, sex workers, etc by the correct, current terms. I know this show is set in the distant past of 2007, but we know better now and so I'm going to be better.
> 
> Ok, love you, don't be angry!

The loud music blasting through Ziggy’s bar made it incredibly difficult to hear what Haley was saying, but Emily was doing her best. The whole team, minus Gideon and plus Haley, were out to take advantage of the Superbowl deals that every bar was having. It had been another long week and they needed to let loose.

Emily had already had a few beers and she was pleasantly buzzed. She hadn’t had a group outing like this since she was a teenager and she was soaking up the chaotic energy the BAU team secretly possessed. When they’d invited her out for drinks, she thought they’d go to a wine bar, or something similarly tame, but she was ecstatic to be somewhere fun.

Morgan had been swept away immediately and surrounded by a trio of handsy women. Emily was a little jealous, but she’d let the alley cat handle that one. Her team didn’t need to see her in full prowler mode just yet.

JJ and Reid had disappeared, too, at some point and Emly had lost track of them. She’d tried to follow, but Penelope had caught her arm, ordering the first round and dragging her to a table with Hotch and Haley. It was really weird to see the two of them outside of their house, but Emily saw it as a possible opportunity to bond.

Milly was babysitting Jack for a few hours so Haley could come out with them. Despite assurances from all involved, Emily was nervous to leave her without an adult. Milly was 12, though, and she could probably handle it, right?. Her stress must have shown on her face, because Haley laughed at her.

“Don’t worry about her!” Haley yelled over the music, laughing as they watched Morgan dance. “She’s a responsible kid! She’ll be fine!”

“I know!” Emily called back. “I still worry!”

Penelope finished her drink and slammed the empty glass down onto the table. “This is a worry-free, kid-free night! Drink more! Think less!”

Emily noticed Hotch staring at her. She’d never told him that Garcia knew about Milly. Whoops. He could deal with it. Garcia had kept the secret this long. Emily trusted her to continue keeping it.

“So, how are they treating you at the BAU, Emily?” Haley asked her, grinning. “I never see you long enough to ask!”

Hotch narrowed his eyes, but he took a large gulp of his beer before adding, “she means ‘am I being nice to you?’”

“Actually,” Emily said, choosing the most diplomatic answer, “everyone’s been incredibly nice!”

Emily took a large sip of her beer as Haley grinned and patted Hotch’s arm. It wasn’t exactly the truth, but Emily knew the answer would put Hotch into Haley’s good graces, and that was best for her, too. Besides, the night was already a lot of fun, and she didn’t want to ruin it.

“Just look at him move,” Garcia sighed longingly. “He’s like a cat!”

“More like a dog!” Emily corrected.

Garcia’s head whipped around and her finger shot out to point dramatically. “He did not ask them to dance. They asked him!”

“Ok…” Emily laughed, not really sure why it mattered. Garcia nodded with approval and turned back to watch Morgan again. “He’s a cat!”

“An alley cat,” Haley joked, bumping her shoulder against Emily.

Hotch took her hand. “Come on, honey. Let’s show them how it’s done!”

Shooting a last warning glance at Emily, he led Haley around the table to the dance floor. Emily watched them go, smiling as a smile broke out on Hotch’s face and he danced between his wife and Morgan. Emily almost wished that _she_ had someone to dance with. Where had JJ ended up?

“I’m going to dance, too!” Penelope announced, startling Emily. “Join us? Or playing darts with JJ?”

Thinking about it, Emily decided she wanted to see JJ playing darts. It sounded like a good time. Besides, Hotch probably didn’t want her around.

“I’ll go watch JJ.”

Garcia winked at her and sauntered away, going straight to Morgan. Laughing, Emily slid off her barstool, taking her beer and wandering further into the bar. She ruffled Reid’s hair as she passed him and his nerd friends.

The whole team was having a good time, even Emily. She had been surprised to be invited along and even considered turning them down, but JJ and Garcia had practically begged her to come out. So, she had and she was glad she did.

She found JJ just as she threw her last dart and won her game. Emily didn’t know anything about darts, but she loved the look of concentration on JJ’s face. Throwing her arms up, JJ cheered loudly and the men flanking her groaned.

“Best 7 out of 10?” JJ asked the boys smugly, wrapping her arms around them. “Why don’t you buy my next round and we’ll play another?”

The men agreed, eager to get more alcohol in her, and hurried past Emily toward the bar. JJ spotted her standing there and grinned. Laughing, Emily went to her, toasting her with her half-empty glass of beer.

“Not bad,” Emily said, pretending to inspect the dartboard. “Good clustering.”

JJ raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know anything about darts, do you?”

“Not a single thing.”

Laughing, JJ tied her hair up, her shirt riding up to expose her stomach. Emily did her best not to look at the bare skin, but she couldn’t help herself. Her eyes dropped to JJ’s stomach, lingering on her belly button. Blaming it on the beer and the loud music, Emily licked her lips and stepped closer.

“How are those boys treating you?” she asked JJ, looking up to meet her eyes. This close, Emily could smell JJ’s vanilla shampoo. “Sounds like you’re creaming them.”

“Darts is a national sport where I’m from,” JJ told her, grinning. She puffed her chest out with pride. “No one’s beat me in years. Especially not a couple of townies!”

Emily had no clue what a “townie” was, but she didn’t really care. “Yeah, townies suck!”

JJ laughed, throwing an arm around Emily’s shoulder and leaning close. She smelled like cheap beer, second-hand cologne, and that vanilla shampoo. Emily wanted to tug her close and inhale deeply, but even someone as socially stunted as her knew that’d be weird.

“My hometown was too small for a bowling alley,” JJ told her, gesturing toward the dartboard. “So...Darts!”

To Emily’s tipsy dismay, JJ pulled away from her and went to the dartboard. She tugged the darts out of the board and walked back to where Emily was sipping on her beer. Watching Emily finish the last of her drink, she held out a dart for her to take.

“Wanna try?”

Snorting, Emily just shook her head. “No way. I should not be throwing sharp things.”

“Already drunk?” JJ challenged her, wiggling a dart. “Come on, I’ll show you.”

Before Emily could ask what she meant by that, JJ was grabbing the pint glass out of her hand and setting it down on a tall chair nearby. Blinking with surprise, Emily decided to just go along with it and got into place behind the worn line of tape of the floor that marked the correct distance from the dartboard. When JJ turned back to her, Emily held her hand out.

“You’ve never played before?” JJ asked. Emily nodded in confirmation and JJ chuckled. “Maybe you’re right. You’re too fancy to play darts in a dive bar like this.”

Despite the fact that she knew JJ was joking, Emily’s stomach tightened. This wasn’t the first time someone had decided to exclude her because of her upbringing. Emily had thought that JJ was different, that she didn’t judge her for her life before the BAU, but apparently she was wrong. Emily felt like an idiot.

“Whoa,” JJ mumbled, putting her hands on Emily’s shoulders, careful not to stab her with the darts. “Hey. What happened? I was just joking.”

Emily sucked in a sharp breath, shoving aside the brief panic she’d felt at JJ’s comment. With a grin, she shook her hair out of her face. “Sorry. I just got distracted. Are we going to play or what?”

Even though JJ clearly didn’t believe her, she nodded. Emily was grateful that she wasn’t going to push it. Thinking about where her head had gone, she knew that it wasn’t true. Pen and JJ were great friends and they wanted to spend time with her. JJ rubbed Emily’s shoulders for a moment, skin against skin, and then pulled away.

“Ok,” JJ said, regaining some of her excitement, “do you know _any_ rules?”

“Uh…” Emily smiled sheepishly. “You throw the darts at the board?”

JJ cackled at Emily’s terrible answer. Her laughter was infectious, making Emily giggle. JJ’s hand found Emily’s shoulder again, holding on as she laughed. The last of Emily’s tension faded as she just let JJ cling to her and laugh at her stupidity. 

She felt light, a ridiculously large grin spreading across her face. This is what she’d imagined friendship to be. They talked all the time, understood each other, and laughed easily. Emily knew that she shouldn’t get attached so quickly, but she really was thinking of JJ as her best friend. It was a low bar, but JJ had definitely met it.

“What are you ladies laughing at?” 

Emily looked over her shoulder to see the two men from earlier walking back toward them. She frowned, not wanting her time with JJ to be interrupted by them. JJ glanced up at them and then toward Emily.

“Want to see me beat the shit out of them?” JJ asked quietly, her eyes sparkling dangerously.

The curse word coming from JJ’s mouth surprised Emily so much that she just nodded silent. With a whoop, JJ took her beer glass from one of the guys and tossed back half of it before handing it to Emily. The men cheered at the display.

Quickly moving to the side, Emily picked up her empty beer glass from where JJ had set it and took its seat. She wanted a clear view of JJ in her tight jeans. The guy in the black sweater seemed as focused on JJ as she was, but the man in the checkered t-shirt wandered over to Emily.

“You two friends?” he asked as JJ threw her first dart. It stuck dead center.

Emily didn’t even look at him as she answered. “Yeah.” JJ looked over her shoulder, meeting Emily’s eyes with a raised eyebrow. She knew just how impressive she was. “We’re friends.”

“Nice.”

The man might have said more, but Emily didn’t hear another word. JJ’s face grew still with determination, eyebrows drawn down and lips tight. She threw the next dart and it landed right beside the last. The third flew easily, winning her the game.

JJ went straight to Emily, leaning against her legs and grinning. “Didn’t even have to let anyone else play.” She took her beer from Emily and tossed it back easily. “Impressed?”

“Very,” Emily murmured, distracted by the feel of JJ’s stomach against her legs and the closeness of their faces. “Is darts the only thing those hands are good at?”

JJ looked shocked at Emily’s question. Her cheeks turned pink. Opening her mouth to respond, she jumped.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket, JJ sighed dramatically. She pushed herself off Emily and faced the two men that were apparently still with them. “Looks like the fun is over, boys! We’ve got work to do.”

They both groaned and tried to convince them to stay, but Emily couldn’t even hear them. JJ had taken her hand and was leading her toward the exit. When they passed Reid, JJ called his name and he got up to follow them. Emily saw the way his eyes dropped to their connected hands. She pulled her hand from JJ’s, but trailed along behind her.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

JJ tapped her thumbs on the steering wheel as she squinted into the darkness. She and Reid were driving out to ask Tobias Hankel about the break-in he’d witnessed. Out in the country, there were no streetlights and blackness surrounded the car.

Even with her high beams on, JJ could only see a few trees to the right of the road, a few feet of cracked pavement ahead, and patches of grass to the right. The GPS had lost signal a few miles back, but Reid had memorized the map before they left, so they were fine there. With a sigh, she glanced at Reid, who was poring over files in the passenger seat.

“I’ll do most of the talking,” she told him. The sudden sound startled him. “Sorry. I just figure we should have a game plan.”

He smiled at her, pushing some hair from his face. “It’s ok. A game plan is good. You do most of the talking and, if he won’t let us in, I’ll pretend like I have to pee.”

“Alright,” she chuckled. “We’ll use his southern hospitality against him.”

“Exactly!” He flipped through a few more pages. “It’s so great that you got these files. Hankel is our only real lead.”

“Yeah,” she muttered, tapping her thumbs again. “I just wish…”

He frowned at her. “What?”

“Do you ever get tired of people only seeing you as young and weak?”

“Oh.” He thought for a moment, closing the folder on his lap. “It does get annoying. Did someone say you were young and weak?”

Shaking her head, she smiled tightly. “No. I just had to be cute and bat my eyelashes to get those files. The detective only gave them to me because it made him feel like a man to help a pretty girl.”

“Isn’t that good, though?” he asked her curiously. “Use your traits to your advantage.”

JJ shook her head, trying to articulate what she was feeling. It wasn’t that she disliked using people’s perceptions against them. Spence was right - it _was_ helpful. She just wished that it wasn’t the only useful trait she had.

She didn’t know how to explain that she disliked being pretty without sounding conceited. How does the conventionally attractive blonde woman whine about being too cute? That wasn’t even the problem. JJ didn’t know _what_ the problem was.

“Nevermind,” she mumbled. “You’re right.”

He grinned at her, missing the frustration in her voice. “Exactly!”

They drove on in silence for a while, JJ lost in her thoughts and Reid lost in his files. Hankel’s house was an hour away from the station. It felt like she’d been driving for days.

“Oh!” Spencer said, turning to smile at her. “I’ve been meaning to ask - how is it going with Emily?”

JJ’s hands clenched around the steering wheel at the question. “What? You mean, on the team? Wouldn’t you know better than me?”

“I thought that you two were friends,” he answered slowly. Eyebrows knitting together, he was clearly profiling her. “I figured she’d be more open with you.”

“Ah,” JJ said, mentally kicking herself for the weird outburst. “Right. Yeah.” She shrugged. “I think she likes being on the team. Gideon and Hotch are giving her a hard time.” Smirking, she reached out to pat his knee. “She thinks you’re very interesting.”

He perked up, grin widening. “She said that? We did bond over peas in Nevada - oh. That’s the house.”

JJ followed the finger he was pointing and saw the pool of light around a house. Slowing the car, she leaned forward, doing her best to see where the road branched off toward Hankel’s house. There was a barely visible dirt path and JJ took it, hoping it wouldn’t lead the car into a ditch.

Thankfully, the small dirt road opened into a large area. The Hankel home was lit by a few large floodlights on the roof and a streetlight beside a red barn. JJ rolled to a stop in front of the house and parked the car.

She hated the countryside at night. Rural Georgia looked different than rural Pennsylvania, but it felt the same when surrounded by darkness. She climbed out of the car, shutting the door quietly. Her boots crunched on the hard dirt driveway as she and Spence walked to the house. Looking around, she took in the rundown red barn and the clutter on the front porch. This was not an organized person.

They climbed up the porch steps and knocked on the front door. It took a moment for Hankel to come to the door, so JJ turned to pat Spencer on the arm.

“Remember, I’ll talk and if you get a bad vibe, ask to go to the bathroom.”

He shivered as he looked around the porch. “I already have a bad vibe.”

“Me too.”

The door opened and a man appeared in the crack. He only opened the door a few inches, so his face was visible, but none of the house was. Tobias Hankel managed to look both terrified and terrifying at once. JJ’s skin crawled, but she stuck her best media liaison smile on her face.

“Hi, Mr. Hankel?”

Tobias’ eyes flicked between the two of them. “Yeah?”

Normally, this is where the homeowner would open the door and let them in, but he stayed in the small opening. JJ’s smile faltered as a cold sweat formed on the back of her neck. Licking her lips, she made herself look calm again.

“Mr. Hankel, FBI. I’m Agent Jareau. This is Agent Reid.”

Hankel’s fear intensified. “FBI?”

“May we come in?” Reid asked, putting a hand on JJ’s back. 

“I’m sorry,” Hankel apologized. “I don’t let anyone in the house.”

Spencer shrugged, shifting awkwardly. “Actually, I really have to...You know...go?”

JJ wished she could just turn around, get back into the car, and walk away. This whole situation made her stomach hurt. They were on the porch of the only house around for miles, with no cell service, and it felt like the darkness was closing in. Tobias Hankel was clearly not the helpful witness they’d hoped for, but she couldn’t put her finger on why she wanted to get away so badly.

As she played along with Reid’s ploy, she realized she couldn’t hear any animals. There were no cicadas chirping, no dogs barking, no farm animals bleating. It was dead silent except for Reid’s requests to get into the house.

“My father doesn’t like it,” Hankel said quietly.

Reid frowned at him. “Father? Aren’t you like 30?”

At that, Hankel’s back straightened. It was as if they’d finally asked a question he knew the answer to. “At what age should one start disrespecting the wishes of their parents?”

The way he phrased his question made something unpleasant turn in JJ’s stomach. It triggered a memory that was just out of reach. A flash of pain rippled across the back of JJ’s thighs, like her body remembered something she didn’t.

“Um,” she tried, tossing her head to get her hair out of her face, “you witnessed something a few months ago that might be very helpful to us.”

“I did?”

“You saw someone go over a wall into a yard,” she told him. “You called the police?”

“Me?”

Her eyebrows drew down. Was he just playing dumb, or did he really not remember? If they’d come all the way out here for the wrong person, then she was going to be really angry. Hotch couldn’t just send her out on wild goose chases.

“You didn’t?”

He shook his head.

“Huh. Is there another Tobias Hankel here?”

He watched as Reid bounced behind her, seemingly still pretending that he needed to use the restroom. “It’s just me and my father, Charles.”

Trying one last time to get information, JJ said, “There’s a report on file that lists you as calling 911. You were walking your dog?”

“No,” he interrupted quickly. “No. That’s wrong. I don’t have a dog.”

“Oh.” JJ decided that that was enough time wasted. “Well. Sorry to bother you, sir.”

Spencer leaned over her shoulder. “Are you sure I can’t just quickly-”

“Sorry.” He started shutting the door. “Have a good night.”

Turning around, JJ shrugged, crossing her arms. As frustrating as it was to drive all the way out here only to learn nothing, she was glad to go back to civilization. If she had service, she’d demand a picture from Emily to prove to her that the world hadn’t been swallowed by the thick darkness that surrounded them.

Starting down the stairs, she sighed. “That’s weird. Why bother calling the police in the first place if later you were just going to pretend you didn’t?”

“To gauge the response time,” Spencer answered quickly. “If you were going to kill somebody, but you wanted to call the police first, what would you need to know?”

“How long it takes them to get there.”

Before JJ could say anything else, Reid sprinted around the house. She started to follow him, but hesitated. There wasn’t as much light outside the circle of floodlights and she really didn’t want to venture into the night. She went to the edge of the light and squinted after him.

He peered into the house through a window. Waiting to see what he’d say, she put a hand on her gun. After a moment, Spencer called out to her. Swallowing hard, she ran to him and he led her to the barn. Every step they took drew them further away from the light, making her stomach clench and twist.

She wasn’t afraid of the dark, but they knew what Tobias was capable of. She and Reid weren’t exactly Hotch and Morgan. She trusted Reid’s brain, but she doubted that he could fight off a killer in a psychotic break.

Squatting beside the barn, Spencer drew his gun. “He’s in here.”

“You sure?”

Rolling his eyes, he gestured with his weapon. “Have you ever seen me pull this thing out when I wasn’t?”

She knew he was right and drew her own gun. It felt solid in her hands, grounding her. She’d never shot anyone before. She really didn’t want to do it tonight.

“I’m going to go around back,” Spencer whispered. “Hotch knows we’re here. We just have to wait for the team to come.”

Before she could even protest, he was gone, running down the side of the barn and disappearing into the darkness. This close to the barn, JJ could smell the moldy straw and damp wood. There was another smell, too. It was something metallic and foreign. She really did not want to be here.

The barn door flew open and she jumped to her feet, gun flying up to aim at her attacker. No one was there. Everything was still and silent and dark and she wished she were anywhere else.

“Reid?” she asked as she slowly crept toward the open barn door. “You there?”

She really did _not_ want to go into the pitch black barn alone, but she thought she could hear Reid calling her name. Steeling herself, she plucked up some courage and entered the dark barn.

It was just as dark and scary as she had expected, which was somehow a sort of comfort. At least it wasn’t worse than what she’d cooked up in her head. Swinging her gun around, she tried to see if there was anyone inside, or if she could leave as quickly as she’d entered. When she reached the center of the barn, a man’s voice startled her. 

“Why you running from them devils, boy?”

JJ spun around to aim her gun toward the voice. It didn’t sound like either Tobias or Rafael. She thought it must be Charles Hankel. The team didn’t know anything about him, and she wasn’t sure how to proceed.

“They’re the FBI,” Tobias answered, voice quivering.

His father replied quickly. “They’re devils. You’re doing the Lord’s work. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

JJ squatted and ran in a crouch to hide beside a pillar. If there were two unsubs in here, then it would be very difficult to escape unseen. It might be better to wait them out here, hidden away.

She heard Tobias ask to stop and then Charles was slapping him. It sounded painful. JJ’s heart went out to Tobias. She knew exactly what an oppressively religious upbringing could do to a person.

Suddenly, she heard Reid scream and shots ring from outside the barn. JJ’s mind went blank and she raced for the exit. Her foot squelched, stopping her in her tracks and she looked down to see blood pooled under her boot.

Pain suddenly bloomed in her head and she fell to the ground, vision spotty. Something had hit the back of her head, almost knocking her out. Her gun slipped from her grip, immediately picked up by someone else. She rolled onto her back, trying to get her bearings.

She squinted up at Tobias who was pointing the gun at her with trembling fingers. “What…”

“I could have stopped him by myself,” Tobias said. “I tried to warn everyone.”

“I know,” JJ groaned, starting to sit up. Her gun was shoved into her face and she laid down again, doing her best to stay conscious. “It’s okay.”

Tobias’ face changed and his body language was suddenly stiff and controlled. He looked like an entirely different person. JJ couldn’t tell if it was her rattled mind playing tricks on her until he spoke in the second man’s voice.

“Shoot her, you weakling,” this other Tobias ordered. JJ realized that _this_ must be Charles. “She’s a satan.”

JJ’s blood ran cold as the pieces came together. There weren’t multiple unsubs, just one unsub with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Her entire body was trembling with the effort to stay conscious, but she was worried about Reid and the shots she’d heard and about herself. Overwhelmed by her fear and the back-and-forth of Tobias and Charles, JJ finally slipped into darkness.


	7. The Absence of Your Company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x15 - Revelations
> 
> so, I'm extending the Hankel stuff over a few chapters. Here are the warnings: Religious trauma, violence

Emily leapt out of the car as soon as Hotch pulled up in front of Hankel’s house. The drive had taken almost an hour and her stomach was swirling with panic. JJ, and Reid, had been out here all that time, alone. It was pitch black all around them and the rundown barn and house made Emily even more nervous.

It was deafeningly silent, except for the slamming of car doors and crunch of boots. Something drew her toward the barn, the darkness of the cornfield spooky and terrifying. As she drew closer, something rustled in the tall, dry corn and she pulled her gun out.

“Come out of there,” she yelled, aiming at the moving stalks. “Hands up!”

Reid burst out of the cornfield onto the flat, hard dirt, eyes wide and clothes covered in blood. He was white as a sheet, almost ghostly in the harsh light of Hankel’s floodlights. His gun was clutched tight in his hands.

Holstering her gun again, Emily hurried to him, arms out. As soon as she touched him, he dropped his weapon, legs giving out. She caught him, almost falling herself under the unexpected weight, but then Derek was with them, wrapping an arm around his waist and holding him up.

Looking around, Emily tried to spot JJ in the cornfield, but knew the woman’s blonde hair would be hard to see. “Spence,” Emily said urgently, “where is JJ?”

“I don’t know,” he gasped, shaking his head. “There were- dogs. Big. Dogs. I heard...screaming. In the barn!”

Emily took off toward the barn, leaving him in Derek’s care. Her heartbeat was loud in her ears and painful in her chest. The blood on Reid’s shirt must have come from shooting the dogs, but where was JJ? Why had she screamed?

Pulling her gun out again, Emily looked over her shoulder before going into the barn, relieved to see Hotch jogging toward her. He nodded to her and they entered together, the flashlights on their guns illuminating the small space.

This was where they’d seen the last victim be torn apart by dogs. When she recognized that, Emily’s stomach sank, twisting painfully. She wished she knew what had happened. JJ had screamed and then Reid had killed the dogs? Had they torn JJ apart first? The thought of losing her only friend in the world made Emily want to vomit. JJ was too good of an agent to lose like this.

On first glance, the barn was empty. Emily and Hotch made quick work of their sweep, sticking their heads into every stall. In one dark corner was the mattress that Lacy Kyle had been torn apart on, her blood and shredded clothing the only thing left of her. Emily’s stomach lurched dangerously.

“Prentiss,” Hotch said, giving Emily an excuse to turn away from the horrific scene that might be JJ. He was holding something small in his hand. “She’s gone.”

“What?” Emily jogged over to him, freezing when she saw JJ’s private blackberry in his white-knuckled grip. “No.”

Looking at the floor, Emily could see a puddle of blood, smears indicating that someone had squirmed around in it. She could picture with crystal clarity JJ’s perfect yellow hair turned orange with blood and viscera. Her white shirt would be stained irreparably. The reality of JJ being taken by Hankel hit her like a gunshot and she snatched the phone from Hotch’s hand and raced out of the barn.

“Reid!” she screamed, body trembling with rage. “How could you let her get taken?”

Reid paled even further, curling into Derek’s chest. “I-”

“You  _ know  _ that she doesn’t have the same training we do,” Emily shouted over him. Her eyes filled with furious tears. “Why were you so far away? Why would you leave her alone?”

She couldn’t see past her fury and launched toward Reid, fully intending to take her fear out on him. Strong arms held her back, keeping her away from the skinny, terrified agent. Emily bared her teeth, growling and snapping, clutching JJ’s phone so tightly that the edges dug into her skin.

“Prentiss,” Hotch barked into her ear, “this is not the time. Calm down.”

“She’s going to die!” Emily cried, her anger transforming into a panic that choked her. “He’s going to kill her!”

Derek frowned at her, eyes tight. “We’ll get her back, Prentiss. We won’t let her die.”

Emily jammed her elbow into Hotch’s stomach and jerked out of his arms, heading toward Hankel’s house. She didn’t need platitudes right now. She needed to  _ do something _ . Why did JJ have to be the one who was taken? What sin could she possibly have?

Emily should have been the one taken. She had enough sin to knock even Tobias Hankel out of his psychosis. She was a murderer, a liar, a heretic, a homosexual. She’d betrayed one child by killing it before it even had a chance to exist and the other by abandoning her when she needed a mother most. Emily wasn’t even a person. She was just a collection of mistakes and sins and lies strung together with good intentions. No one would lose anything if she died, but JJ?

JJ was kind. She was honest, direct, friendly, and bright. Emily couldn’t imagine anything that JJ had ever done that would taint her soul. Hankel would probably look into her eyes and see that she was too pure to hurt. Emily tucked JJ’s phone into her pants pocket and began to undo the velcro that held her FBI vest closed.

She tore the vest over her head as she entered the house and looked around at the piles of books, newspapers, and loose leaf lined paper. It was a hoarder’s house. There was so much around that she wasn’t quite sure where to get started, but the weight of two blackberries was burning a hole in her pocket. So, she headed to a stack of boxes and yanked the top off.

They were full of moleskin journals. That was as good a place to start as any. Grabbing as many as she could, she transferred them to the messy dining table, dropping them heavily. It would take all night to go through everything in this house, but she was more than willing to stay up if it meant finding a lead on JJ.

“Prentiss.”

Emily looked up as she picked up the first journal. “Yes?”

Raising an eyebrow, Hotch crossed his arms. “Maybe you should call your girl.”

“I’m fine,” she assured him. At his skeptical look, she sighed and tossed the journal onto the table. “I’m sorry for yelling at Reid. I just…”

“I know,” he said, smiling kindly. “It was particularly gruesome. I’m sure it’s hard to see that after working a desk job for so long.”

Emily’s body tensed at his comment. She hadn’t really thought about the gore like that. Her focus had been on finding JJ and making sure that none of the blood was hers. Emily had totally forgotten her cover and the manufactured history.

“Right,” she muttered, looking away. “Yeah. It really shook me.”

They were silent for a moment, so Emily picked up the journal again and started reading it. Reid would be able to get through it faster, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk to him right now. Hotch coughed, getting her attention again.

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect you to get right to work. I thought you might need some time, or to talk.”

Emily looked up at him, eyes wide. “Oh. I guess… I compartmentalize better than most people.” Saying that reminded her that it was true. She needed to lock away her worry about JJ and just focus on finding her like she would any other victim. “I’m sorry,” she sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I am shaken up. I just worry about JJ.”

He nodded sharply and glanced down at the book in her hand. “So, what have we got?”

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The first sense that returned to JJ was smell. There was something burning and, for a moment, she thought it might be her because of the way her entire body hurt. It smelled like flesh and blood and death. She fought to return to consciousness, terrified that she might die only half-aware how.

With a loud, startled gasp, she jerked awake, back slamming into hard wood and eyes snapping open. Her vision was still blurry, but she swung her head around to get her bearings. The last thing she remembered was...the barn and Tobias Hankel.

The memory made her panic even more and she strained against the handcuffs on her wrists. They were connected to the chair by a belt and she couldn’t figure out how to free herself. Her head was still swimming, but the smell of burning flesh was nauseating and she desperately wanted to be away from it.

The room she was in looked like a shed of some sort, barely more than one room. There were things all around, but she couldn’t focus long enough to figure out what they were. Blinking rapidly, she shook her head, instantly regretting the sudden movement. Pain bloomed behind her eyes and she clenched her jaw.

“Be still,” a man’s voice ordered her.

JJ tensed, eyes closed. That was Rafael, the man who had done all the killing. She scrambled for something to say that would calm him down, but couldn’t think of anything. Her stomach rolled dangerously, the smell and pain overwhelming.

Slowly, she opened her eyes again and saw Tobias standing in front of her. JJ remembered that Tobias and Charles, his father, were one person. Apparently, Rafael was part of that delusion, too. She wasn’t sure if she should be scared to death at how intense this man’s psychosis was or thankful that there was only one body threatening her.

“Rafael,” she said, shifting her feet. Her bare skin scraped against the concrete floor of the barn and she knew she was way too vulnerable. “Please. Let me go.”

“No.”

Licking her lips, she looked around for something that could give her an idea of what to say. She saw meat burning on a tire and turned her eyes back to Rafael. “What are you cooking?”

He considered her for a moment, leaning forward to run cold, empty eyes over her face. “Fish hearts and livers. It keeps away the devil.”

“Oh,” she breathed, trying to plaster her media liaison smile on her face. “Thank you.”

He slapped her hard enough to make blood fill her mouth and she gasped. The metallic taste made her gag involuntarily. She spit blood onto the already filthy floor, trying to breathe at the same time. Her mind was hazy from everything that was happening and she worried she would black out again.

“Don’t use those female tricks on me, whore!” Rafael barked, fisting his hand in her loose hair and yanking her upright. “I know your filthy ways!”

“I’m not-” She swallowed the blood that began to fill her mouth again as tears began to stream down her face. Everything hurt so much. “I’m sorry!”

He released his hold on her, pulling a revolver from his pocket. “They say you can see into the minds of men.”

She sucked down air. Her hair hung in her face, obscuring her view. The smell of salt from her tears and sweat mingled with the burning flesh and fresh blood. Her stomach rolled again in protest.

“I’m not a profiler,” she tried. “Please. Let me go!”

Rafael pulled a bullet from his other pocket and held it to her face, leaning in close again. The silver bullet gleamed in the firelight. “Do you know what this is?”

“A bullet?” she guessed.

“God’s Will.”

He straightened again, sliding the bullet into one of the revolver’s five chambers. Spinning the chamber, he watched her carefully. She wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but she knew she didn’t have the wherewithal to give it to him anyway. The sound of the chamber echoing into the gun made her jump.

“Have mercy on me, O God,” JJ spat quickly, “according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all of my iniquity and cleanse me from my sins.”

Rafeal froze, the gun half-raised. “You know the bible?”

“Um.” JJ stared at him with wide eyes, no idea where that quote had come from. She wasn’t religious at all. She hadn’t been since she was a kid. Since Ros died. She decided it must be a remnant of those bible camps her mother used to send her to. It didn’t really matter if it meant getting Rafael on her side. “Yes. Of course. I’m not a heathen.”

His eyes narrowed and he aimed his gun at JJ’s face. “Repenting your sins is what cleanses you. Repent, Jezebel.”

JJ stuttered, scrambling for something, but her pain-addled brain came up with nothing. “I don’t have any sins!”

“We’ll let God decide.”

He pulled the trigger, but the gun just clicked. The bullet wasn’t in that chamber. JJ gasped with relief, beginning to hyperventilate from all the excitement. She didn’t know what to do, but she was beginning to understand that she was going to die in this chair.

The memory of being strapped to another chair in a different wooden room came back to her. The smell of incense and clean leather replaced the smell of flesh and blood for a moment. She could hear a man’s voice in her ear, but couldn’t quite make out the words. JJ sobbed at the ghost of a feeling.

Suddenly, she was back with Hankel, the sickening stench of the room flooding her senses. He walked toward her, and she began to struggle against her ties. With a sharp blow, he slammed the butt of his gun into her head and knocked her unconscious again.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

JJ woke up again some time later. She noticed that the terrible smell of burning flesh was gone first. Then, she realized that her eyes were hurting, not because she couldn’t see, but because she could see really well. Sunlight streamed in through the cracks between the old, warped walls of the shed she was in.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier to figure out where she was. There were some stone slabs that she didn’t recognize, a few stacks of towers. She couldn’t look around very well to find clues. Her head was still pounding, and her entire body was sore. It felt like she was bruised everywhere and it could be.

Bile rose in her throat as she remembered the night before. Hankel wasn’t with her right now, but she wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or a curse. If he wasn’t here, he might be out killing, but as soon as he came back, she’d have to figure out how to talk to him. She wasn’t a profiler! She didn’t know how to do this.

Like a rapidly fading dream, she remembered the memory she’d had after she’d survived the first round of Russian Roulette. In the memory, JJ had been in a different wooden chair, in a different wooden room. It had looked so familiar, but she’d barely recognized it. She didn’t like the idea that there were things about her life that she couldn’t remember.

With a cautionary glance at the door, she closed her eyes and tried to picture that other room. It had been a well-constructed wooden room, with broad, light-colored boards forming the walls and a low wooden ceiling. She could barely picture a few other chairs there, too. Were there other people in those chairs?

In the memory, a man was speaking into her ear. What had he said? She strained her ears as if that would help her remember his words. Her stomach twisted and her nausea came back in full force. Her body did not like where her mind was going.

The door to the shed burst open and JJ jumped, her eyes opening and her body jerking painfully so she could stare at the door. In the present day, Hankel was walking into the shed, arms full of firewood. She couldn’t tell which personality this was, so she licked her lips and guessed.

“Rafael?”

The person she was speaking to scowled, dropping the wood to the floor with a crash. “Do I  _ look  _ like Rafael?”

“No, of course not!” She tossed her head to try and get her hair out of her face and get a clearer view. “Sorry. Um, Charles?”

“That’s right.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “Put some respect on my name, girl.”

JJ winced. “Yes, Mr. Hankel.” The words tasted like ash in her mouth. She wanted to spit in his eyes, not address him with respect. Her eyes landed on remains of burnt fish beside him. “Thank you for burning the hearts and livers. That’s good.”

“Don’t try and trick me, girl!” Charles snapped. “I won’t listen to your lies. You can’t seduce me.”

“I’m not trying to seduce you,” she assured him quickly. “I was just-”

“Shut up!”

He stopped across the small shed, sitting on a small bench in front of her. He began to undo his belt and her blood ran cold. Men only took their belts off for two reasons and both options filled her with panic. The back of her thighs hurt with remembered pain, and she knew it was connected to that other wooden room.

“You need to confess your sins,” he instructed her, reaching down to grab her ankle in a tight grip. It felt like he was going to crush it. “Confess!”

“I don’t have any sins!” 

He lifted his belt over his head and slapped it across her foot. The already sensitive skin stung, making her cry out in pain. Her head snapped back, hitting the top of the chair and she remembered something else.

The man with her had been a priest. Father Andrews, a helpful part of her brain supplied. The room was at bible camp. It was a room for kids who behaved badly. JJ couldn’t imagine that she’d ever behave badly, but she could practically feel the stony, furious gaze of Father Andrews.

“Confess!” a man’s voice demanded. “Confess and repent!”

JJ sobbed as Hankel hit the bottom of her foot again and again. Every time she tried to pull away, he gripped her harder, until she knew she had to tolerate the belt or risk losing her ability to walk on that foot. She tried to think of something,  _ anything _ , to confess.

She could confess that she’d failed to save Ros. JJ should have seen the signs and known that Ros needed her help. She should have known and saved her. She shouldn’t have frozen in the doorway and waited so long to call for her parents.

That wasn’t her sin and she knew it. There was something else. Something she’d left behind in a clean wooden room at bible camp. JJ felt like vomiting at the thought of going back to retrieve it. What else might be waiting in that room?

“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces finds mercy!” JJ cried, pulling another bible quote from deep inside herself. Her hands were clenched so tightly that she was starting to lose feeling. She couldn’t bring herself to care; the pain of everything else obscured the pain of that. “If I had any sins to confess, I would! I don’t know!”

He changed his target and slapped her across the face with the belt. It narrowly missed her eye, slicing her cheek open instead. Her vision blurred at the pain and she gasped, trying her best to stay in the moment, but she started to lose consciousness again.

As the edges of the world began to go black, JJ heard another man’s voice in her head. Father Andrews was screaming in her face, spewing quotes and hatred. She was so small, so young at the time. What had she done?

“A woman does not lust after other women! God put women on Earth to bear children and satisfy men! God  _ does not need you _ and, if you continue this deviant behavior, then either He or I will show you just how disposable you truly are.”

JJ’s world finally went dark. The last thing she heard was the rough slide of leather against cloth. Her body trembled as she fell unconscious, prepared for painful punishment.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Rolling the Narcotics Anonymous schedule in her hands, Emily stopped in the doorway to Hankel’s dining room. Reid was burning through his journals for clues. Emily had read a lot of them over the course of the day, but Reid would see patterns better than she ever could.

Emily swallowed hard, preparing herself to apologize for the night before. Any entire day had passed and they still hadn’t found JJ. It made her sick and furious at the same time, but she knew that she couldn’t keep blaming Reid. He was just a kid. Still, it was hard to make herself consider apologizing for yelling at him.

“Spencer,” Emily said quietly, making his head snap up. He flinched back and she sighed heavily, smiling kindly. “I, uh, I wanted to apologize. For screaming at you. I...I should have been better at controlling myself.”

He hesitated, trying to tell if she was mocking him or being sincere. “Thank you,” he said after a moment. Glancing down at the paper in her hands, he gestured with his journal. “What’s that?”

“Oh,” Emily muttered, walking further into the room. Honestly, she hadn’t expected him to accept her apology so easily. She thought there would be a fight. “It looks like Hankel went to NA. I’m going to talk to someone he knew tomorrow morning.” Licking her lips, she pulled out a chair at the table and sat down. “Do you want to come with me?”

His face split into a grin at the offer. “Sure! I’d love to get out of this house.”

“I figured.”

She looked at the white board they’d set up in the room. They’d figured out a bit of a timeline for Hankel, but nothing that really told them where JJ might be. It just told the story of a terrible life and an abusive father.

The rest of the team was in the computer room with Penelope, but Emily didn’t want to stop working for even a moment. She knew she’d have to sleep at some point. It just seemed  _ wrong  _ to sleep when JJ could be dead. Emily couldn’t rest until they’d found her. Alive.

“Emily?” Spencer asked quietly, pulling her attention back to him. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

She rested her chin on her hand and smiled at him. “Shoot.”

“Are you and JJ…” He blushed. “Are you guys together? Romantically?”

Emily’s face turned a dark red at the question, and she looked away quickly. That was a question that she had definitely not expected. The answer was easy - No. They weren’t together romantically. Emily really wasn’t interested in dating anyone anyway. Milly needed stability, not a series of short-live relationships. Not to mention that there was probably a rule against dating team members anyway.

“No,” Emily finally answered. She took a deep breath. “We’re just friends.”

“Oh.” His brows drew down in confusion. “I just thought… because you were so upset…”

She bit her lip, looking into his eyes. A part of her really wanted to confide in him and talk to him about her feelings, but she knew how dangerous that would be. It was bad enough that she’d grown close enough to JJ to scream at a team member in public. She didn’t want him to be someone she worried about, too.

“I don’t know,” Emily confessed with a shrug. “We’re close, but...Yeah, I don’t know.”

“I understand,” he said quietly. Reid looked so young, but sometimes she could see his experience in his eyes. “It’s hard sometimes to tell the difference between friends and more. Or, friends and less.” He blinked at her nervously. “I’m sorry, too. JJ is like my sister. I shouldn’t have left her behind.”

Emily reached across the table to lay a hand on his arm. “Hey, we’ll find her. Besides, now you know better. You won’t do this again. Right?”

“Right.” He grinned at her. “You’ve put the fear of God into me now. If I did this again you might kill me.”

“There’s no ‘might’ about it,” Emily said, winking. “If JJ ever gets hurt again, I’ll burn the whole Bureau to the ground.”


	8. Sweet Little Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still 2x15.
> 
> Warnings - violence, blood, religious trauma

JJ woke with a jerk, slamming back into the chair and gasping. This time, she’d actually slept a bit, but her dream was rapidly fading away. She was pretty sure that Emily had been in it, the dark-haired woman calling her name.

Looking around, JJ’s stomach dropped. Emily had not found her after all. She was still in Hankel’s creepy shed. It was dark outside again. Despite all the pain she was in, JJ found that she was starving, because of how long it had been since she had eaten.

The door to the shack opened and Tobias walked in, holding a skinned pig. She could tell it was him from the nervous furrow of his brow. He looked scared, but he brought the pig over to the giant tire that the fish had been burning on.

“You need to eat,” he said quietly, sitting on the chair in front of her. He frowned. “You look worried.”

“I am worried!” she snapped, scowling. Taking a deep breath, she calmed her face and tried to reason with him. “Tobias, please. Let me go. I’ll protect you from your father and Rafael, I promise. Just let me go.”

He smiled sadly, reaching to take off his belt. Her body tensed, sure that he was going to beat her like his father had. Instead, he started wrapping the belt around her arm, tightening it painfully. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small vial and a syringe.

She wasn’t sure what it was, but she started to panic. “Please,” she begged. “I don’t need that. I’m not going to fight you.”

“This will help,” he assured her, drawing the liquid up. “Trust me. It’ll make you feel better.”

“I’m ok! I’m fine! I don’t need it.”

Ignoring her, he grabbed her arm and shot the drugs into her quickly. Her veins burned, fire racing through her body. It hurt more than anything else had so far, but her head fell back, mind slipping away.

_ “No, really! I love your freckles.” _

_ Donna smiled nervously, picking at JJ’s comforter. “No one likes freckles.” _

_ “I do,” JJ replied. She reached across the bed to brush a finger over Donna’s soft cheeks. “My mom says they’re angel kisses. The angels must really like you.” _

_ Blushing, Donna just blinked at her, biting her lip. They were laying on JJ’s bed, just talking and spending time together. Now that she was 13, JJ’s mom let her have friends over after school. The child psychologist said it would help fill the void that Ros’ death left. JJ wasn’t sure about that, but she really liked spending time alone with Donna. _

_ At 13, JJ knew that she thought about girls the way that she was supposed to think about boys. It was the most natural thing in the world to her. How anyone could look at girls’ hair, their smiles, their shoulders, and decide that boys were better, she’d never know. _

_ She might like Donna more than anyone else she’d ever met. They’d been friends for years, ever since JJ had saved her from a bully in 2nd grade. They’d been inseparable since, but now they were allowed to ride their bikes home from middle school together and hang out until it was dark. _

_ A year ago, JJ had cut her hair in a fit of rage, leaving only an uneven bob that barely reached her chin. If she’d had the tools, she would have shaved her head entirely. Her mother had screamed at her for hours, but when JJ went to school the next day, Donna had said it looked “cool” and “radical”. _

_ She was growing it out again now, but it was still just short of her shoulders. If she got angry again, she might cut it even shorter than the last time. Maybe she could even ask Donna to help her. _

_ “Donna,” JJ said softly, “can I ask you a...weird question?” _

_ Nodding, Donna scooted closer on the bed and took JJ’s hand in her own. “Of course. You can ask me anything.” _

_ “Do you think a girl can like a girl?” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “You know…” JJ blushed, rolling onto her back to escape Donna’s piercing green eyes. “Like...Can two girls be girlfriend and girlfriend?” _

_ Donna didn’t answer right away, but she didn’t take her hand out of JJ’s either. When JJ flopped her head to the side to assess the damage, Donna was smiling. It seemed like a ‘yes’, but JJ wasn’t confident enough to make the first move. _

_ Donna closed the distance between them, pressing their lips together. She pulled away quickly, but JJ caught her face in her free hand and pulled her close again. This kiss was 10 times better than her kiss with David McKinley two summers ago. She wanted to cry because it felt so right. _

_ Father Andrews always said that marriage was between one man and one woman, but JJ didn’t care about marriage. If she could just live with Donna in a cute house and kiss her every morning and every night, then she didn’t care about getting married at all. If she could just stay in the circle of Donna’s arms, then nothing else in the world mattered. _

_ A scream burst their happy bubble and JJ sat upright. Her mom was standing in the doorway, face pale and red all at once. She looked more terrified than she had when JJ cut all her hair off. JJ’s heart stopped when she recognized the expression on her mother’s face - it was the same look she’d had when JJ told her that Ros had died. _

_ The realization made her world lurch unpleasantly. What had JJ done that was as bad as that? Was it that she was kissing too young? That she hadn’t asked her mother first? JJ felt a pit in her stomach that told her she was damned to Hell now, too. _

_ “Get out!” her mother screamed, and JJ’s world dipped again, but it wasn’t her that her mother was yelling at. Running into the room, her mother grabbed Donna’s arm and dragged her out of the room. “You are no longer welcome in this house! How dare you do this to Jennifer?” _

_ A familiar stillness overcame JJ and she sat frozen on her bed, even as Donna turned to look at her with wide, crying eyes. JJ couldn’t force herself to leave the room. What would happen now? _

_ When her mother came back into the room, she was crying. She babbled something about how it wasn’t JJ’s fault and that she’d always known Donna was a sinner. Her mother told her that Father Andrews had a bible camp for a few weeks each summer and that he’d know how to cure JJ. It was all going to be ok. _

_ Things were never ok again, though. Something new had moved into the house and JJ wasn’t sure what it was. She went to the bible camp that summer and spent the whole time chopping wood and listening to sermons. Before now, she hadn’t remembered the reason that she started going, or what exactly the point of them had been. It had always been ‘that weird summer that her mom made her go to bible camp’. _

_ She’d assumed it had to do with Ros. Everything in JJ’s life had to do with Ros and her death. JJ missed her sister, but she was so angry with her. Why did Ros get to be the one who got out of that house? Why wasn’t Ros strong enough to stay? Why was she so much stronger than JJ?  _

_ She just wanted her sister back. JJ just wanted Ros back. Ros. Ros. _

“Ros!”

JJ snapped back into reality, heart racing and head pounding. It was dark in the shack and she could only hope that she hadn’t lost another day. Her veins still hurt, burning along with the rest of the pain. A creak made her jerk her head to the side.

“Who’s Ros?” Charles Hankel asked her, voice low and dangerous. “Another Jezebel?”

JJ surged toward him, teeth bared in a feral growl. “Don’t talk about her!” She pulled on her handcuffs, the thin metal digging into already sensitive skin. “Keep her name out of your mouth!”

He walked in a slow circle around her chair and she had to twist painfully to keep an eye on him. “Who is she then?”

She didn’t want to answer, but Charles had his revolver in his hand and she knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to kill her. “My sister,” JJ answered reluctantly. “She’s dead. Suicide.”

“Like I thought,” he spat. “Another heathen.”

JJ growled again, practically foaming at the mouth at the way he was talking about Ros. “She was 10 times better than you’ll ever be.”

“But I’m not in Hell.”

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Emily followed Reid back into Hankel’s house. They’d just finished talking to someone who knew him and she wasn’t feeling any better. JJ was in the hands of a man with a drug addiction and severe trauma. He wasn’t exactly a stable captor.

The longer they took to find JJ, the more Emily fell apart. She’d done her best to sleep at least a couple hours, but sleep had never come. As soon as the sun had come up, she’d collected Reid, commandeered a car, and drove out to meet the man from NA.

They’d learned a lot about his father and the intense religious trauma he’d inflicted on Tobias, but it had only made Emily angrier. Despite their conversation, Emily was still frustrated with Reid. She’d stayed civil on the trip, and she knew that she wasn’t  _ really  _ angry at him, but he was such an easy target for her panic.

She just wished she knew what JJ was going through. Was she still alive? Had she been hurt? What was Tobias doing with her? Emily wasn’t sure if knowing would make her feel better or worse.

“Reid. Prentiss.” Hotch stuck his head into the dining room and gestured for them to follow him. “We have new information.”

The two agents hurried into the computer room. The rest of the team was there, staring at livestreams that played on every monitor. Emily’s heart raced as she realized that Hankel must spy on all of these people and decide who to kill. That’s how he was recording the murders and putting them online.

“What did you find out?” Emily asked, tearing her eyes away from the unsuspecting people and looking at Gideon. “Did you figure out where she is?”

“No,” Gideon sighed, shaking his head, “but we did learn that Hankel has multiple personalities. At least two. We think killing his father broke him and he created a new personality to keep his father alive.”

Emily’s throat tightened at the revelation. So, Tobias wasn’t just under the influence of drugs, violently obsessed with sin, and in the middle of a psychotic break. He was also disassociating. JJ could be killed by his ‘father’, even if she managed to convince Tobias to let her live.

“What did you two learn?” Derek asked them.

Reid glanced at her before answering. “He’s addicted to Dilaudid and he cuts it with a psychedelic. His father tormented him with scripture and used religion to justify his abuse.”

“That would explain Rafael, then,” Hotch said quietly. “Rafael must be the third personality.”

The world seemed to spin around Emily. JJ was stuck with Tobias, Charles, and Rafael. The chance of finding her alive was rapidly diminishing and Emily wasn’t sure what to do. She wasn’t sure what she  _ could  _ do. Every atom in her body was screaming for her to go crazy, find Hankel, and kill him with her bare hands.

Derek was speaking and Emily turned toward him, pretending to listen. She could barely hear him over the blood rushing in her ears. Even if Emily wanted to compartmentalize, she wasn’t sure she could. JJ was her only friend in the world and Emily didn’t have the power to save her.

“What’s happening?” Gideon asked, walking to stand beside Penelope. “What is this?”

“I- I don’t know!”

Blinking, Emily pulled herself to the surface again, trying to focus on what everyone else was seeing. The screens were winking out, turning to black. After a moment, new feeds appeared and it took Emily a moment to register what she was seeing.

“That’s JJ!” Reid said, confirming what Emily’s mind was trying to tell her. “She’s alive!”

Emily stepped forward, leaning over Garcia’s shoulder to look closer. JJ was slumped in a chair, bloody and wet with sweat. Her usually perfect blonde hair was hanging limply, greasy and tangled and unkempt. But. She was breathing. JJ lifted her head, revealing a large gash on her cheek, bruises on her neck, an emptiness in her eyes.

“Where is she?” Emily whispered, unable to look away. “Pen, where is she?”

“I can’t track it! He’s only streaming to this computer. He keeps rerouting.”

Hankel walked into view, glancing at the camera before sticking his hand into his jacket pocket. When he pulled out a revolver, Emily’s heart clenched with fear. JJ’s eyes were fixed on the gun, ignoring the camera entirely.

_ “Pick one of them to die,”  _ Hankel said, his voice distorted through the bad connection.  _ “Each of them has committed sin. Choose one to die and I’ll let you choose one to live.” _

JJ spit at his feet and scowled up at him.  _ “No.” _

_ “I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior _ .”

Shaking her head, JJ looked past Hankel, off camera. Emily couldn’t tell what she was looking at, but clearly Hankel was telling her to choose his next victim. JJ shouldn’t have to do this. Emily wished again that she’d been the one taken. She could choose someone to kill and still sleep at night. She’d done it before. How would JJ deal with it?

_ “The other heathens are watching,”  _ Hankel said, making JJ’s eyes jump to the camera.  _ “Choose a sinner to die and I’ll say the name and address of the person to be saved.” _

JJ swallowed hard, staring into the camera. It felt like she was staring right into Emily’s soul, like there wasn’t any distance between them at all. Emily had never had someone look into her like that. Her mother had never seen her that clearly, much less a woman she’d known for all of two months.

_ “I won’t choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher.” _

Frowning, Emily finally tore herself away from the screen to look over her shoulder at the team. That didn’t sound like something JJ would say. It was clearly a message. Reid was frowning, too, eyebrows drawn down in thought. A sharp gasp made Emily’s head snap back to the screen.

Hankel had grabbed JJ by the biceps and hauled her up. His gun was missing and Emily could only assume he’d stuffed it away again in favor of using brute strength. JJ’s hands were cuffed and tied to the chair, her small frame dwarfed even further by him. Emily bared her teeth, anger returning.

_ “Can you really read my mind, whore? Choose one to die. Save a life. Choose none and all four die.” _

_ “Ok,”  _ JJ mumbled.  _ “I’ll choose one to live.”  _

He threw her down into the chair and Emily’s hands clenched into fists as JJ grunted in pain. She looked so fragile, shoulders hiked up around her ears. Hankel walked out of the camera’s sightlines again. Looking after him, JJ nodded.

_ “Far right screen.” _

_ “Maryln David. 4913 Walnut Creek Road.” _

Garcia quickly typed the name and address into her program, pulling up the woman’s phone number. Emily stepped aside so Gideon could read the screen, but she kept her eyes fixed on JJ. She wanted nothing more in the world than to get a text from her with too many exclamation points and find out this was all just a nightmare.

Gideon called the woman, telling her to close her computer. A moment later, JJ slumped in her seat again, turning wide, terrified eyes up at Hankel. Emily wished that she could see him.

_ “Rafael,”  _ she whispered, leaning toward him,  _ “Please. You don’t have to do this. I chose the one to live, so a sinner has to die now, right? Why don’t you just kill me instead? We both know I’m a sinner. Let me be the one who dies. Leave them alone.” _

Emily thought she might vomit at JJ’s words. Even after she’d been tortured physically and mentally, JJ was still trying to protect people. She was still thinking about others. And what was JJ’s sin? Emily couldn’t begin to imagine a person who would sacrifice themselves like that could possibly have a dirty soul.

_ “Is your sin worse than theirs?” _

JJ’s eyes flicked to the camera, filling with tears. She nodded.  _ “It is.”  _ She fixed Hankel in a sharp stare.  _ “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: Sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil and greed, which is idolatry.” _

Emily winced, familiar with the passage. It was one of her French pastor’s favorites. He’d use it every time… Emily’s eyes widened. She remembered the sermons where she heard the phrase and suddenly knew what JJ’s sin was. It made her stomach dip and her heart stutter. Before she could say anything to the team, JJ looked into the camera again just as their screens went black.

“No!” Emily cried, slamming her hands on the desk. She glared at Garcia. “Get her back!”

“I can’t,” Penelope said quickly, looking just as upset as Emily was. “Em, I can’t!”

Wild eyes swinging around to look at her teammates, she knew that she needed to get it together. She was no use to anyone like this. With a furious growl, she pushed herself off of Penelope’s desk and stomped out of the house.

The sun was beginning to fade again, but Emily barely noticed. Whatever uncertainty she had about JJ’s life was tripled now. Why would the media liaison try so hard to save those people? Didn’t she know how important she was?

Emily took deep breaths and tried to calm down, pacing around the large driveway. She had to believe that JJ was alive. That was the only way she was going to get through this. Hadn’t she told Hotch how good she was at compartmentalizing? Emily could handle this.

“Prentiss,” Hotch called, hurrying down the porch steps with a vest in his hands. “Rafael just called from a house 10 minutes away. Let’s go.”

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

JJ watched as Rafael murdered someone, slicing the woman’s neck open and holding her up on display. She’d done her best to be his next victim instead, but he’d refused. She didn’t know why. Wasn’t one sinner as good as another? He was just playing with her.

On the screen, Rafael tossed the woman to the floor and moved on to the man. She forced herself to watch as he, too, was killed. When he was done killing, Rafael shot one last, smug look at the camera and left the house. He was on his way back to her now.

Painful tears streamed down JJ’s cheeks. They stung in the cut from his belt, burned against her fevered skin, and fell onto the raw skin on her wrists. She suddenly knew clear as day that she was going to die in this chair. She would die in this shack, full of self-denial and fear.

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but a familiar voice got her attention. She blinked, trying to focus on the screen again. Hotch’s face filled the monitor as he stared into the webcam.

“JJ,” he said softly “if you’re watching. You’re not responsible for this. You hear me? He’s perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He cannot break you.”

Hotch started to stand before glancing over his shoulder. Across the room, Emily was scowling, arms crossed and foot tapping. JJ’s head cleared just a little bit as she watched the black-haired woman snatch a paper out of Gideon’s hands and storm away.

Turning back to her, Hotch smiled. “Emily’s coming for you.”


	9. The Danger In Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x15 - If you can, please comment! I'd love to know how you've felt about this little Hankel arc!
> 
> The end of Hankel!!!! The next two chapters are very soft :-*
> 
> warnings - internalized homophobia, religious trauma, violence

Emily stood in the dining room with Morgan and Reid, going over the timeline of Hankel’s life. She was still rattled by JJ’s attempt at self-sacrifice and losing the video feed, but working on a profile was helping to clear her head. Morgan and Reid seemed to understand that she needed something else to focus on, too.

“We can trace their whole family history,” Morgan said, looking at the pictures they’d found and pinned to the whiteboard. “Here we got happy, smiling pictures of Tobias. Report cards all As and Bs, but at 8-years-old, we got nothing.”

“That’s his mother leaving,” Reid added. He was sitting in the dining room chair he’d claimed the day before, surrounded by open journals. “The journals start after that. They’re all written by Charles. Not Tobias.”

Emily snorted. “Of course. Six months after the happy pictures stop, we have a report from Child Services saying they paid a visit to the house.”

“The journals start right after that,” Reid confirmed.

With a sigh, Morgan turned to face him, looking over the stacks and stacks of angry writing. “Charles is writing about punishing sinners and needing to remove the Devil from his son.”

The idea of JJ having the Devil inside of her almost made Emily laugh. Whatever sin JJ had, especially if it was just being gay, didn’t mean that she was evil. Emily tried to pretend she wasn’t a lesbian for a long time, but she never really saw it as a  _ sin _ . It was more about needing to keep up appearances.

After she’d slept with Daniel, she knew that she couldn’t pretend anymore. Whatever other people saw her as was their problem, not hers. She wondered if JJ felt the same way, or if she actually saw herself as a sinner. Emily didn’t know if JJ was out to the team and she just hadn’t known, or if JJ was entirely closeted. Either way, she wasn’t going to bring it up with the others. It wasn’t her place to out JJ if she was closeted.

It didn’t really matter in the moment anyway. Charles and Rafael would think of JJ’s attraction to women as a sin. They would try and beat the Devil out of her, and if they couldn’t, they would kill her.

“The start of the journals,” Reid muttered, running a finger down a journal page, “corresponds to the start of Tobias’ drug use.”

“He’s trying to escape,” Emily said. She knew she sounded sympathetic when Morgan raised an eyebrow at her. Shrugging, Emily gave him a half-hearted smile. “That, at least, is understandable.”

He nodded, shooting her one last thoughtful look before turning back to the whiteboard. “So, wherever he took JJ was Tobias’ choice - not his father’s.”

“How do you figure?” Emily asked, moving closer.

“Look at these two lives,” he said, gesturing between the happy side of the whiteboard and the trauma-filled side. “They’re like inverse graphs. One’s getting weaker while the other is getting angrier. Tobias would have run away. His father would have stood and fought.”

Reid spoke up from behind them. “I’ll go back through the journals and look for anything that could be used as a hiding place.”

“Guys!” Garcia called from the computer room. “She’s back!”

Emily was moving before she even registered Garcia’s words. She hurried into the other room, coming to a stop beside Gideon and staring at the image of JJ on the screens. Somehow, she looked even worse than before, but at least she was still alive.

_ “Confess your sins,”  _ Hankel demanded. When JJ didn’t answer immediately, he punched her across the face, almost knocking her out of her chair.  _ “Confess!” _

_ “I already did!” _ JJ sobbed, staring up at him with terrified eyes, her whole body trembling.  _ “I- I said that verse. I told you!” _

He punched her again. Grabbing her hair, Hankel yanked her head back painfully.  _ “The Lord requires clarity.”  _ He slammed her head into the back of the chair, making her cry out in pain.  _ “What is your sin, whore?” _

JJ gasped, tugging at her binds, body wracked with sobs.  _ “I- I’m-”  _ He released her hair and she sat forward again, staring into the camera with panic smeared across her face. Her mouth opened and closed silently as she struggled to admit her ‘sin’.  _ “I can’t _ ,” she finally whispered.

The situation became incredibly clear to Emily, and her heart clenched painfully. The bible verses, the willingness to suffer, the raw, wild panic in JJ’s eyes at the thought of admitting the truth out loud told a familiar story. Emily wanted to tell JJ that it was going to be ok, that she didn’t have to do anything she wasn’t ready for, that there was absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Hankel hit JJ again, his fist connecting with the side of her head.  _ “Confess!”  _

A shudder ran down JJ’s body just before her eyes rolled back in her head. She began to convulse, mucus and bile spilling from her mouth. Emily’s fists clenched so tightly that she knew she’d have half-moon marks for days. It was taking every ounce of control she had not to scream with rage and destroy every single computer screen.

Hankel pushed the chair over, throwing JJ to the floor and onto her back. She was choking and shaking, unable to even try and turn herself over. Emily stood frozen in place as she watched the blonde woman, her only friend on the planet, die in front of her.

When her body was still, Hankel left the room. Emily couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe or think or do anything but feel the cold wash of despair run over her. Dimly, from a small, faraway corner of her mind, she could hear Matthew’s voice, full of laughter, as he imitated Marilla from Anne of Green Gables. ‘To despair,’ the shadow of Matthew said, standing in front of an old tv set in his Roman apartment, ‘is to turn your back on God!’

Emily wanted to laugh at the incongruous memory. It was ridiculous to be staring at JJ’s dead body and remembering happy memories. Where was Matthew now? She wondered. When had she stopped keeping tabs on him? Why did she lose every friend she made? Maybe she had done something so evil in a past life that now she was condemned to a lifetime of loss.

The idea made her think of Milly, who was staying with Haley and Jack, completely unaware that Emily had lost JJ. Emily wasn’t even sure that she’d told Milly about JJ at all. What would she say to her now? One of my teammates died and I don’t have the energy to take care of you anymore? That wasn’t an option Emily had anymore. She couldn’t just hole away in her apartment and drink herself into a stupor until she could lock her feelings away and face the world.

She had a  _ child  _ to take care of now. Someone was relying on her. It was ridiculous. JJ had been relying on Emily, too. Where had that gotten her?

Around her, the team was talking and moving, but she didn’t care. JJ was dead. They could catch Hankel, but it wouldn’t bring her back. Someone took Emily’s hand and she looked down to see Penelope staring up at her, tears streaming down her face. They could stay here together as the team found Hankel.

Movement on the screen caught Emily’s attention and she looked up to see Hankel storming through the shack straight to JJ. He dropped onto his knees, tilted her head back, and started giving her mouth to mouth. Emily watched in disbelief as he tried to restart her heart and push oxygen into her lungs.

After an impossibly long moment, JJ gasped, her body jerking against the floor. Her hands tugged against the handcuffs as she tried to reach for Hankel, caught halfway by the belt keeping her attached to the chair. He straightened the chair as she caught her breath.

The only thing Emily could hear was the rush of blood in her ears. Her heart was racing, pounding, in her chest, as she watched JJ breathe unsteadily. Penelope’s hand was painfully tight in hers, but she was sure that hers was the same.

JJ was alive. She’d come back to life. It was selfish to think about herself while JJ was going through this torture, but Emily felt like she’d been given a second chance. For the first time in her life, she’d gotten someone back after she’d lost them. Emily promised herself right then and there that she was going to be good enough for JJ. She was going to keep a friend.

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_ JJ walked slowly down the hallway, her white nightgown brushing against her legs and her long, blonde hair streaming down her back. The wood floor was cold under her bare feet, making her shiver. She knew that she should have put on a sweater before she left her bedroom, but there was a bad feeling in her stomach and she couldn’t think about anything else. _

_ This was the house that she’d grown up in. She recognized the worn white paint on the walls and the slightly chipped wooden picture frames that hung on the wall, pictures of her family staring out of each one. There was an open door to her left and she drifted toward it, looking inside. _

_ It was Ros’ room. JJ knew she wasn’t allowed to go in there without permission, so she just looked inside. It was empty and dark despite the early morning sunlight that streamed in. She touched the necklace that lay on her breastbone and turned away. _

_ The next door in the hallway was closed. JJ frowned, shivering in the cold, early Winter chill. She didn’t want to go in there, but she couldn’t think of a reason why. Taking the heart of her necklace between her fingers, she carefully made her way to the closed door. The wooden floor creaked as she stopped in front of the door’s frosted window. Beneath her feet, the bright, shiny lacquer was worn and dull after years of people standing right where she was and knocking to see if the room was occupied. _

_ JJ reached out to wrap her hand around the brass doorknob, jumping slightly as it shocked her. She tried to turn it, but it was a little hard to move. She didn’t remember that about this door. It was usually so easy to open, sometimes opening without anyone turning the knob at all. With a grunt of effort, she managed to get it open and see the room beyond. _

_ It was a bathroom. The floor was covered in tiny, hexagonal tiles that were various shades of white after so many feet. The sink was small, left over from the original owners, with tarnished brass knobs. The thing that really caught her attention was the large white bathtub against the far wall. The curtain, white with small pink flowers, was completely pushed aside. _

_ Laying in the tub was Ros, still 16-years-old. She was wearing the denim overalls she loved and the flannel she’d stolen from Tom when they first started dating. Ros was sprawled out in the large tub, one arm thrown over the side, her head resting on one end and her feet crossed on the other. When the door opened, she looked up, grinning when she saw JJ. _

_ “Whoa!” Ros said cheerfully, sitting up and crossing her arms on the edge of the tub. “Look at you, Jayje! You got hot!” _

_ Confused, JJ frowned. “What?” _

_ “How old are you now? 28? That’s crazy.” Ros grinned at her, reaching out a hand. “Come on. Step into my office.” _

_ “Um…” JJ wasn’t sure what was going on, but she really missed Ros and she could never say no to her. “Ok!” _

_ Taking her big sister’s hand, JJ climbed into the tub, sitting across from her. They giggled as they crossed their legs and adjusted to the small space. The porcelain tub was freezing against her skin, but JJ barely noticed. She was so caught up in seeing Ros again that she didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. _

_ “So,” JJ breathed happily, “what’s up?” _

_ Ros raised an eyebrow. “I think I should be asking you that. I never expected to get you in my tub, but then again, you were always a little troublemaker.” _

_ Laughing, JJ tucked her hair behind her ears. “God, it’s so good to see you again.” _

_ “JJ…” Ros’ smile drooped and she took JJ’s hands in her own. “I’m really sorry.” _

_ “For what?” _

_ “You know what.” Ros looked down at their hands, brushing her thumbs over JJ’s. “I should have been there for you. If I was there, I wouldn’t have let mom send you away like that. It was really unfair.” _

_ JJ’s heart skipped a beat as her memories began to come back to her. “I’m the one who should apologize,” she said quietly. “I didn’t realize how bad it was for you.” _

_ “Stop it.” Ros glared at her, leaning closer to drive her point home. “Stop blaming yourself. You were 11, Jayje. I wasn’t your responsibility. You can stop trying so hard to make up for it.” _

_ “I’m not-” _

_ “I see everything,” Ros joked, trembling her voice like she was a ghost in one of the terrible Haunted Houses they went to as kids. “You don’t have to work so much, and you should really let your friends help you. I know Penelope would be more than willing to talk. Not to mention that new one. Emily Prentiss.” _

_ At the mention of Emily, JJ blushed. She really wanted to be close to the other woman, but she didn’t know what to do about that. It was easy to be casual friends with someone, but JJ didn’t know how to open up and be vulnerable. It always seemed to go wrong for her. _

_ “You still have your life,” Ros continued softly. “Don’t throw it away out of guilt. You’re so young and you’ve been so good for so long. I think it’s time for you to take some chances and make some mistakes. I’m the ghost here, not you.” _

_ “I’m scared,” JJ whispered as tears filled her eyes. “I don’t know how to be myself. I don’t know who I am.” _

_ “Then it’s time to find out, isn’t it?” Eyes dropping to JJ’s necklace, Ros reached out to brush a finger over the small charm. “You should tell Hankel about me. I can be your sin. Let me protect you one more time.” _

_ Suddenly, there was a hard pain in JJ’s chest. She grunted, pressing a hand over her heart. When she looked at Ros, she was met with a sad smile. _

_ “I don’t want to go,” JJ told her, jumping forward to hug her big sister. “I can’t lose you again.” _

_ “You never lost me, Jayje. I’m still here. I’ll always be here, but there’s room for other people, too. Let someone in.” _

_ “I love you so much,” JJ gasped, crying. Another sharp pain filled her chest. “Would you still love me if-” _

_ “Yes. There is nothing you can do or be that will ever make me stop loving you.” She pulled away, cupping JJ’s face in her hands. “Have a happy life, Jayje. You deserve it.” _

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“You came back to life,” Rafael said as JJ blinked her eyes open. “There can only be one of two reasons.”

She sucked in a deep breath, her senses slowly coming back to her. Ros’ voice was still clear in her mind and she realized that she must have died for a moment. Her eyes flicked to the camera. Had Emily seen it? Had the whole team? She tried to smile so they would see that she was ok.

“There are no accidents,” he continued. She looked back at him. “How many members are on your team?”

“Seven.”

“The seven angels who rang the seven trumpets prepare themselves to sound. The first sounded and there answered fire and hail, mixed with blood, and they were thrown to Earth.”

JJ shook her head. She had no idea what he was talking about. “What?”

“Tell me who you serve,” Rafael demanded.

“I serve you,” she tried, blinking back tears. “I serve you.”

He nodded. “Then choose one to die.”

JJ’s stomach sank. She wasn’t sure why he was asking her to do this, but she wasn’t really surprised either. Her sin hadn’t been enough, apparently, but her teammates’ sins were. Even now, when she was on the brink of death and falling apart, it angered her to be overlooked.

“Kill me.”

He shook his head. “No. I see now that you aren’t one of them. Choose one.”

“No.”

Rafael pulled his revolver from his coat pocket and aimed it straight at her head. She’d forgotten about it in all the chaos. How many bullets had he put in? How many times had he shot? She’d never been very good at statistics and the pain in her mind and body was only making it worse.

He spun the chamber, resetting it anyway, and pulled back the hammer. “Choose and prove you’ll do God’s will.

JJ looked past the barrel of the gun to the camera. “No.”

He pulled the trigger, but the chamber was empty. He pulled the hammer back again. “Choose.”

“No,” JJ repeated. “I won’t do it.”

“Life is a choice.”

“No.”

“Choose.”

JJ looked away, knowing that the choice she needed to make wasn’t the one he thought. Her eyes landed on a tombstone, tucked away with other forgotten things. JJ knew that she could keep saying ‘no’ until he shot her in the head, but if he just killed her, then what had all of this been for? If she died here, in the darkness, without ever living as herself, then she would just disappear from the world without a trace.

Even if the team remembered her, they would be remembering someone who wasn’t real. There wasn’t a single person in the world who knew the truth about her, including herself. Was that really how she wanted to die? As not just a liar, but a lie? On the other side of that camera was someone who wanted to know her.

“Emily Prentiss,” JJ mumbled, eyes finally registering what she was seeing. Turning back to Hankel, she spoke up. “I choose Emily Prentiss.”

Hankel lowered his gun slightly. “Why?”

“She’s a sinner,” JJ said clearly, her eyes drifting back to the camera. “She’s a dyke and a sinner. If she dies, no one will mourn. I doubt she’d even be buried in her  _ family’s plot. _ ”

JJ stared into the camera as Hankel lifted the gun above her head, aiming at the wall behind her. He pulled the trigger, a loud bang making her jump, and the bullet lodged in the wall. She might not believe in God anymore, but JJ knew her luck had come from Ros. She could only hope that Emily got the message, and that she’d forgive her.

“It’s time for you to confess,” Rafael told her, putting the gun away. “You need to wipe your soul clean.”

JJ licked her lips, nodding. “I know. I’m ready.”

“Then confess.” 

She shifted in her seat, looking away from the camera. It was hard enough to talk about this without having to look her team in the eye. None of them knew this about her.

“My sister, Roslyn, committed suicide. I found her, but when I saw her in the bathtub… I froze. I stood there for probably 10 minutes, just staring at her, before I told anyone else. Sometimes, I think that if I had gotten help faster, she might have survived.”

He seemed to approve of her confession and took the keys to the handcuffs out of his pocket. “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brethren.”

So, she was still going to die, then. JJ let him take off her handcuffs as the last of her energy drained from her. Her confession, her return to life, her days of suffering were for nothing after all. It was all going to end with her dead in the woods, a nightmare she’d had since childhood.

And for what? Her soul wasn’t clean. If Ros was really in Hell, then JJ’s filthy desires weren’t going to save her. JJ had failed to save her the first time, and now she was just doing it again.

As Hankel dragged her outside, JJ thought about Emily. In the short time they’d known each other, JJ felt more seen than she had in her entire life. The dark-haired woman was hiding just as much as she was, but pain recognized pain. They could have been friends. And now? Emily would be the one to find her remains.

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Emily stepped quickly, but carefully, through the Marshall Parish Cemetery. She’d been shocked when JJ called her a dyke and told her that no one would mourn for her, but then she’d put the pieces together and gotten the message. Reid had been able to recall the name from the journal, Penelope had found them a map, and then everyone raced to find JJ.

Dry leaves crunched under her boots as she picked her way between headstones. They’d found the shack where JJ had been kept, but the room was empty. Now, they were scouring the woods behind the worn down shack, looking for her.

Emily’s whole body was trembling. From rage, from fear, from relief, she didn’t know. They hadn’t found JJ yet, but they were so close. JJ was still alive and they were going to save her. They were going to take her home.

As she was ducking under a thick tree branch, she heard a gunshot ring out. The blood drained from her face and she took off running toward the sound. They were so close now and if she still lost JJ…

Bursting through the trees, Emily saw JJ swing around, gun pointed right at her. On the ground laidy Hankel, dead. JJ and Emily just stared at each other for a moment, both worried that this wasn’t real.

Then, a sob wracked JJ’s body and she dropped the gun, legs crumbling under her. Emily ran forward and caught her, clinging to her tightly as she lowered them to the ground. JJ didn’t have the strength to hug her, but her hand curled around the edge of Emily’s jacket.

“I’ve got you,” Emily breathed, gently pushing JJ’s hair out of her face. “You’re safe.”

“I knew you’d come for me,” JJ cried against her chest. Emily rested her cheek on the top of JJ’s head. “I knew you’d understand.”

Emily looked up as the rest of the team ran into the clearing and took in the scene. “I got your message,” Emily told her. She shifted JJ into her lap and wrapped her arms around her. “You’re going to be ok, JJ.  _ We  _ are going to be ok.”


	10. Capsize

JJ closed her eyes, letting herself focus on the gentle hum of the plane and the warm body beside her. After she’d been found in the woods, JJ had been checked out by medics and deemed well enough to go home. She had a few stitches on her cheek, her wrists were wrapped in bandages, and she’d been given a tetanus shot and a course of antibiotics.

Overall, it didn’t seem like she’d been too hurt. She didn’t feel  _ good  _ by any means, but she was thankful to escape a visit to a hospital. Hotch had already told her she had to take at least two weeks off and see an FBI therapist. Neither of those things sounded fun, but she was thankful for the support.

Emily hadn’t left her side since she’d caught JJ in the cemetery. She’d stood right beside JJ when she was being checked out by medics, sat beside her on the drive back to the Atlanta police department, packed up their things at the hotel for her, and carried it all onto the plane. JJ’s only job had been to keep her blanket around her and she was incredibly thankful.

Now, she and Emily were sitting side by side on the couch, sharing JJ’s blanket. Emily leaned against the wall, tucked into the corner of the plane. Her arm was wrapped around JJ’s shoulder, holding her close and making her feel safe and protected.

JJ let herself enjoy the closeness without thinking too deeply into it. She was exhausted, physically and mentally, after her long ordeal and it felt nice just to be close to a friend. The things she’d remembered and discovered about herself would have to wait until she could form a coherent thought. Right now, the only thing on her mind was the gentle way Emily’s fingers drew meaningless patterns on her shoulder.

They’d changed clothes at the hotel, but JJ still hadn’t showered. She’d put on sweatpants, a large t-shirt, and a thick sweatshirt, so she’d be warm when they landed back in DC. Even though it felt like it’d been years, it was still February. Emily was dressed similarly and between her warmth and the blanket, JJ was very close to falling asleep.

Under the blanket, Emily held her hand. Their fingers were tangled together, skin slightly damp from warmth, but JJ didn’t want to pull away. The feeling was keeping her grounded. She felt like she could fall apart at any moment and the only thing holding her together was the arm around her and the hand in hers.

“Hey,” Emily said quietly, dropping her head so she could look at JJ’s face. “You still awake?”

JJ nodded, but kept her eyes closed. “Yeah.”

“I just wanted to say that you can talk to me. If you want.” She picked at the fabric of JJ’s sweatshirt, tickling her shoulder. “No pressure, but I’m here.”

“Thanks,” JJ mumbled. She had absolutely no desire to talk about what she went through with Hankel. Especially not with someone as put together and confident as Emily. “Not now.”

“Of course.” Emily nodded and rested her head on top of JJ’s. “Whenever you want.”

A thought briefly crossed JJ’s mind. “Emily?”

“Yeah?”

“How much did you guys hear about Ros?”

Emily was quiet for a moment. “Not much. After you…gave us the message, we started figuring out where you were. I think Garcia may have heard, but that’s it.”

“That’s good.”

JJ didn’t care if Garcia heard her confess about Ros. They’d talked about it already, both women reluctant to talk about the people they’d lost and blamed themselves for, but also needing someone who understood. JJ just didn’t want Emily to think poorly of her.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” JJ mumbled, snuggling further into Emily’s side. “Please? I don’t want to be alone.”

She felt Emily tense at her side, but after a couple seconds of hesitation, Emily nodded. “Yes. You can. I won’t make you be alone tonight.”

“Thanks, Emily.”

Emily grew even tenser and JJ opened her eyes, frowning when she saw Spence standing in front of her. He looked terrified, wringing his hands and chewing on his lip. JJ hadn’t even thought about him until just now. His presence reminded her how she’d gotten taken by Hankel in the first place and she shivered.

“Hey, Reid,” Emily said quietly, her voice carefully neutral. “What’s up?”

“Can I talk to JJ?”

Emily’s hand twitched in JJ’s as she lifted her head off JJ’s and looked down at her. JJ really wanted to say ‘no,’ but he looked so pathetically nervous. She reminded herself that he was just a kid. He might only be three years younger than she was, but he’d maintained his innocence through his trauma, and hers had made her hard.

JJ tried to smile at Emily, but the way the other woman’s mouth tightened told her that she’d failed. “It’s ok. I’ll talk to him.”

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Emily asked. She waited until JJ shook her head to separate their hands, carefully extracting herself from JJ. “Ok. I’m going to talk to Hotch.”

Nodding, JJ sat up and gathered her blanket in her arms, letting Emily go. She watched her walk across the plane as Spencer sat down in her place. Hotch glanced up when Emily got close, frowning before gesturing for her to sit. Blinking, JJ looked away, turning her attention to Spencer.

He pushed his unruly hair out of his face and smiled weakly. “I wanted to apologize. For leaving you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No,” JJ agreed, “you shouldn’t have. You should have listened to me.”

Wincing, he tried to touch JJ’s blanket, but she snatched it away like a petulant child. Now that he was here and Emily’s calming embrace was gone, JJ was furious. Reid had been careless, and reckless, and it had led to her being tortured.

“Look,” JJ said, doing her best not to glare at him and failing, “I know that you were doing what you thought was best, but you can’t just run off into the dark and leave your teammates behind. It’s dangerous and irresponsible. You’re going to get yourself  _ and  _ your teammates hurt. You already did.”

His eyes watered and JJ felt bad for him despite her anger. She sighed heavily, sticking a hand out of her blanket nest to pat his knee.

“That being said… I’ll probably forgive you soon. I can’t right now.” She closed her eyes. “I just don’t have the energy, but give me some time and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks,” he whispered. “I appreciate it.”

She felt the couch shift as he stood up again. It almost made her feel guilty for being so mean, but she hadn’t been lying when she said she didn’t have the energy to forgive him right now. She didn’t really have the energy for  _ anything _ . So, she let herself fall onto the couch, got comfortable under the blanket and fell asleep.

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About two hours later, Emily, JJ, and Hotch were on their way to Hotch’s house to pick up Milly. Hotch had been reluctant to tell JJ about Milly, citing what Emily told him about needing to keep her secret to keep her safe, but Emily knew that JJ would never be a danger to Milly. She already trusted the other woman to keep her secret.

Even though Hotch had agreed during their conversation on the plane, the atmosphere in his car was tense. He drove in silence, knuckles white around the steering wheel. Emily sat in the backseat with JJ, serving as the exhausted woman’s pillow again. Once they were on the Beltway, Emily shifted, waking JJ up.

“Hey,” she said quietly, putting her hands on JJ’s shoulders and helping her sit up. “We need to talk before you come over.”

JJ nodded, rubbing her eyes. Her blanket fell from her shoulders and she gathered it into her lap, turning on the seat as much as she could. “What’s up?”

“Well, I...don’t live alone.”

“Oh,” JJ muttered, frowning, “you have a boyfriend? Is he ok with me staying over?”

Emily almost laughed at the idea that she had a boyfriend. It was so far from the truth that it seemed absurd. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she just shook her head and smiled.

“No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” Glancing at Hotch, Emily took in the tightness around his eyes and decided she just needed to say it. “I have a daughter, Milly. Well, her full name is Emily, and she’s my adopted daughter, but she lives with me and… I’m her mother.”

JJ’s eyes widened and she sat up straight. “What?” she asked, sounding as shocked as she looked. “A daughter? How- Have you had a daughter this whole time?”

“I have,” Emily confirmed, giving JJ a sheepish half-smile. “Her parents died about six months before I joined the BAU and the adoption became official… Wow, the day before we met, actually.”

It took JJ a moment to form a response. She just looked floored that Emily had a daughter. Emily wondered if this was what she’d looked like when Hotch had appeared at her door with Milly nine months ago. It seemed crazy that she’d had Milly for so long now, but the two Emily Prentisses had grown close in that time. Despite how much she liked JJ, Emily knew that her reaction now, and how she got along with Milly, would really determine how they moved forward together.

“I can see it,” JJ said finally, smiling kindly. She reached out and took Emily’s hand. “I bet she already loves you. If she’s as good of an Emily Prentiss as you are, then I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.”

Warmth bloomed in Emily’s chest and the sincerity in JJ’s voice. She hadn’t realized how nervous she’d been to tell JJ. What if JJ thought Emily would be a bad parent? What if she’d decided not to stay over because she didn’t want to interact with a child? Luckily, JJ was taking it in stride.

“She’s a good kid,” Emily told her, returning her smile. “I think she’s really going to like you. And don’t worry about tonight. I’ll tell her that you’re tired. She’s really understanding.” Laughing self-consciously, Emily raised an eyebrow. “You know how you help me with nightmares when we’re on cases? She does the same thing at home.”

“I’m glad,” JJ murmured. She began to settle back against Emily again, her eyes drifting closed. “You need that.”

Emily just nodded, heart racing at the care in JJ’s voice. She wasn’t used to being vulnerable like this and she and JJ had never talked about her nightmares outside of a hotel room. It felt meaningful that she mentioned it now, but she wasn’t sure why. JJ was just too easy to talk to.

Suddenly remembering where they were, Emily looked at Hotch. He wasn’t as tense as he had been before, his grip on the steering wheel relaxed and the hint of a smile on his lips. She was glad that JJ’s acceptance of Milly made him feel better. She didn’t need him to be even more upset with her than he already was.

They drove in silence again, but this time it was comfortable and Emily rested her head on JJ’s, enjoying the closeness. It may have taken longer than she’d liked, but the team had been able to save JJ and Emily knew that, once JJ was safely tucked away in bed and resting, she would be overwhelmed with relief. She was exhausted after days without sleep and she was still running on adrenaline. Eventually, she’d succumb to sleep and be useless for a few days.

“You should take some time off, too,” Hotch said softly as he took the exit to Fairfax. “She’ll need someone with her.”

Emily wanted to protest. Her instinctual need to deny weakness was pushing her to say ‘no’ and demand that she keep working. Then JJ snuggled further into her, squeezing her hand under the blanket and tucking her face into Emily’s neck. The desire to take care of JJ overpowered the desire to reject help.

“Ok.”

Their eyes met in the rearview mirror and Emily had to look away. There was understanding in Hotch’s eyes and Emily didn’t want to see it, choosing instead to cling to the animosity between them. It would be dangerous to let her team see her as anything but professional.

When they got to Hotch’s house, Emily woke JJ up as he parked behind Haley’s car. Hotch turned the car off and twisted in his seat to look back at them. He pointed to the house, indicating that he’d get Milly, and Emily nodded, gathering JJ’s blanket in her arms.

It took Emily and JJ a couple of minutes to get themselves together and climb out of Hotch’s car. JJ was still unsteady on her feet, wincing with every step, but she took her blanket from Emily and walked to the passenger seat of Emily’s Range Rover. Following close behind, Emily carried both of their go-bags to the backseat.

She put the bags down on the driveway and pulled out her keys. Emily wanted to get JJ into the car and covered with the blanket before Milly came outside. JJ’s hair was still matted with blood and her face was scratched and bruised. Emily didn’t want this to be Milly’s first impression of JJ. She wished they could meet under happier circumstances, but at least they’d know each other now.

She was just pulling open the passenger door when the door to the house opened and Hotch and Milly came out. Milly ran straight to Emily, excited to see her again after a few days apart. When she saw JJ, hair and face still covered in dried blood and clutching her blanket like a lifeline, Milly slowed to a stop, eyes widening.

“Emily?” Milly asked in a tiny voice. “What’s going on? Are you ok?”

Looking at JJ, Emily waited until she nodded before hurrying over to Milly. She squatted in front of her and took her bag. “Hey, I’m ok. We just had a rough case, that’s all. JJ is going to stay with us for a bit, ok? She just needs some help for a couple days.”

Milly licked her lips, still looking apprehensive, but she nodded. “Yeah. She’s your friend?”

“My best friend,” Emily corrected, keeping her eyes fixed on Milly. “I know we usually hang out when I get back early like this, but is it ok if we skip that tonight? I’ll make it up to you. I can pick you up from school tomorrow and you can pick a movie to watch?”

Nodding, Milly tried to smile, but Emily could see the slight wobble of her lips. She hadn’t thought at all about what seeing someone covered in blood would do to Milly. Had she seen her parents after the crash? Was this making Emily’s job too real? Emily didn’t have the answers, but Milly seemed to be holding it together and that had to be enough for now.

Standing, Emily took Milly’s hand and led her to the car. She caught a glimpse of Hotch’s face out of the corner of her eye. He was scowling again. So much for his hostility lessening.

JJ had climbed into the car while Emily talked to Milly, pretending not to listen as she covered herself with the blanket. Stopping beside the open door, Milly held her hand out, smiling politely. Emily bit her lip as JJ’s eyebrows drew down and she reached out to shake Milly’s hand.

“I’m Milly.”

“Jennifer, but you can call me JJ.” Her eyes flicked up to meet Emily’s for a second before returning to Milly. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Milly just dropped JJ’s hand and climbed into the backseat, sliding all the way across. Her nose wrinkled as she buckled her seatbelt, reminding Emily of how bad JJ must smell. She’d gotten desensitized to it after so many hours together. 

Quickly putting the two agents’ go-bags into the backseat, Emily shut the door before shutting JJ in and hurrying around the car. She gave Hotch a sharp nod, dropped into the driver’s seat, and started them on the road home. It was almost funny how she was trapped in a small space with JJ and someone she was trying to hide her feelings from. First, she tried to pretend she only cared about JJ as a friend in front of Hotch and now she had to pretend in front of Milly.

She watched Milly through the rearview mirror, watching the way she was trying to control her breathing, eyes glued to the side of JJ’s face. Emily was starting to regret agreeing to let JJ stay over. This was too much for the young girl.

“So,” Milly tried, idly picking at her fingernails, “what happened?”

JJ looked at Emily, letting her take the lead. Emily almost wished she’d try to explain the situation to Milly. Emily was still trying to figure out how to water their work down to make it child-friendly. 

“Um, we caught the guy,” she answered vaguely. “He was...hurting people that he thought had committed a sin.”

“Was he killing them?”

Flushing, Emily glanced at JJ, seeing her look away to hide a smirk. “Yeah. He was killing them.”

Milly lapsed into contemplative silence again for a moment. As they headed into DC, JJ shifted in her seat to lean against the car door and watch Emily drive. She was curled up on the seat, completely tucked under the blanket. The angle made her face visible to Milly.

“What about you?” Milly asked JJ. “How did you get hurt? Did you commit a sin?”

“No,” Emily said before JJ could even open her mouth. “She didn’t. Hankel was just delusional.” JJ gave her a grateful smile. “Sometimes the people we catch can’t be reasoned with.”

Milly sucked in a shaking breath. “So, he hurt you for no reason?”

JJ nodded slowly, looking into the backseat and trying to look reassuring. “Emily saved me, though. She found me and she saved me.”

Her words barely seemed to register with Milly, who had begun to panic. She leaned forward to stare at Emily. “Could you get hurt like that? What if they didn’t save you?”

“Hey,” Emily stuttered, “no one is going to hurt me.”

“But they hurt JJ! What if it was you? What if you died? You said they can’t be reasoned with! What if I lost you, too?”

It was clear that the reality of Emily’s job was finally hitting her. Emily had done a good job of keeping her unaware of the very real danger that came from being a profiler, choosing instead to frame it as something that took up a lot of time, but was usually pretty calm. However, seeing JJ, the evidence of her torture and trauma visible, showed Milly exactly what the job entailed.

Emily wasn’t sure what to do. She’d never been very good at dealing with her own emotions, much less someone else’s. Not to mention the fact that she was driving on the highway and couldn’t just pull over. Milly began to cry and Emily felt herself start to panic, too.

Movement beside her distracted her and she managed to pull her focus back to the road. JJ had thrown her blanket off before unbuckling her seatbelt. She climbed between the seats into the back and took Milly in her arms, pulling her close. Despite the way JJ smelled, Milly hugged her back, crying into her shoulder.

“I’m fine,” JJ told Milly softly, brushing her hand over curly black hair. “See? I’m totally fine. Emily saved me. She found out where I was, came to my rescue, and brought me home. I  _ promise  _ that I will do my best to always be there for her, too. If it’s up to me, she’ll never get hurt at all, but if she does, then I will always,  _ always  _ rescue her.”

Milly sniffed, looking up at JJ. “She’s all I have.”

The small admission made Emily’s heart clench. She was already making sure to call Milly as much as possible, but maybe that wasn’t enough. Maybe she needed to think about Milly constantly and remind herself that she had someone waiting for her at home. She had a  _ daughter  _ waiting for her at home. She split her attention between the road and the rearview mirror.

“You can have me, too, if you want,” JJ said. She put her hand under Milly’s chin and smiled warmly. Milly blinked up at her with wonder and Emily recognized the look in her eyes. “You can have me and Emily, and Emily will have me and you. How does that sound? We’ll all protect each other.”

“That sounds good,” Milly whispered. She tucked her head under JJ’s chin and closed her eyes. “You can have me and Emily. Right, Emily?”

Emily blinked back tears as she nodded even though neither of them could see her. “Yeah. She’s got us.”

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

They walked into the apartment just before midnight, Emily carrying their go-bags and only staggering slightly under the weight. Milly hurried in ahead of them with her own bag, running upstairs to her room. As Emily led JJ inside, Milly reappeared, leaning over the railing.

“I’m going to make you soup!” she yelled down. “Let me change first, though.”

Emily realized how long it’d been since JJ’d eaten anything and she turned to her. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I should have made you food.”

JJ smiled at her, shrugging. “I think I might be too upset to eat. I can try some soup, though.”

“Ok, well, Milly is an amazing cook, so you’re in good hands.” Hesitating, Emily wrapped an arm around JJ and pulled her close. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. You can stay here as long as you need to.”

JJ just sniffled, nodding sharply. “I really just want a shower.”

“Then, let’s get you a shower.”

She pulled away from JJ just enough to walk her to the stairs. As they started upward, Milly came out of her room. She frowned and crossed her arms, staring down at them with a raised eyebrow. The expression looked so familiar that Emily winced, feeling JJ glance at her.

“Are you going to bed?” Milly asked. “I was going to make soup.”

JJ smiled at her, still trying to be comforting even though it was obvious that the last bit of strength she had was waning. “I’m just going to shower. I’d love some soup.”

Milly grinned. “Great!” 

She moved aside so they could step onto the second floor landing. When they were clear, Milly raced downstairs, eager to get started and do something to help JJ. Emily smiled as she dropped their bags beside her bedroom door and led JJ down the hall to the bathroom.

“I think you have a new best friend,” Emily murmured. “Should I be jealous?”

“Probably,” JJ joked, her voice barely audible. “I don’t know if I can talk to her much tonight.”

Emily nodded, reaching out to open the bathroom door. “I know. She’s really understanding. It’s fine.”

Smiling gratefully, JJ went into the bathroom and looked around. “It’s weird to be in here,” she muttered, sounding exhausted. Emily’s heart went out to her as she did her best to stay nice and positive. “I’ve seen so many pictures.”

“Does it live up to your expectations?”

JJ just shrugged. She gave Emily her blanket and blushed. “I’m going to get ready to shower.”

“Oh, yeah.” Emily blushed, too. She took a slow step backwards. “Um, there’s soap, shampoo, conditioner, body scrub, other stuff in the shower. Let me get you a washcloth.” She hurried to the small wooden cabinet beside the large jacuzzi tub and pulled out a couple of washcloths, and a large towel. Setting them on the edge of the tub closest to the corner shower, Emily smiled at JJ. “The shower is easy. Pull it out to turn it on, left is hot, right is cold.” JJ nodded. “I’ll... leave you to it, then.”

Taking a few steps back, Emily turned around and left the bathroom, closing the door behind herself. She went to her bedroom, taking in their go-bags and looking around at the mess. If JJ was going to spend the night, then Emily should pick up. There were clothes tossed around the floor, books stacked randomly, and various cups of water on the bedside table.

She dropped the bags into a corner, put the blanket into her laundry basket, and started gathering the other dirty laundry. Once it was all put into her hamper, she changed her focus to her books, picking them up and putting them back onto the three bookshelves that lined one of her walls. Finally, she gathered the six glasses on her nightstand into her arms and left her room.

It only took her a minute to go downstairs into the kitchen. Milly was pouring soup from a pot into a bowl, biting her lip in concentration. Emily put the glasses into the sink and went to Milly, peering over her head into the bowl. It looked like chicken noodle soup.

“It’s not much,” Milly told her, putting the pot down onto the stove. “I used egg noodles, and it’s mostly just chicken broth with some extra spices. I think she’ll like it, though.”

“She’ll love it,” Emily assured her. “Why don’t you go get ready for bed? She’s in the shower right now, so I’ll just put this in the microwave and give it to her afterwards.”

Milly nodded and ran away, heading back to her bedroom. Emily put the bowl into the microwave that sat above the stove. She moved the empty pot into the sink, double-checked that the stove was off, and started for the bathroom again. 

Would it be weird to sit in the bathroom with her? Emily just didn’t like being away from her like this. She knew that was dramatic and ridiculous, but JJ had been out of sight for so long and Emily knew how tired she was. So, she just wanted to keep an eye on her and make sure she was ok.

She stopped in front of the bathroom door and realized that the shower wasn’t running. Had JJ already finished? It had only been a few minutes. It seemed unrealistic that JJ could have completely cleaned herself already.

Raising a hand to knock, Emily hesitated. She didn’t want to be that weird lesbian who tried to sneak into her best friend’s shower. It didn’t help that JJ had just been tortured because of her sexuality. She didn’t need Emily being weird. Still, Emily didn’t want to leave JJ alone and find out in an hour that something terrible had happened.

Knocking on the door, Emily listened closely. “JJ?” she called. “Is everything ok?”

She heard some muffled noise and, a moment later, the door opened. JJ looked terrible. She was still completely dressed, but her face was red beneath the bruises. JJ was crying. She looked absolutely exhausted, pale and red at once, eyes hollow within dark circles. Her shoulders sagged when she saw Emily.

Her chin trembled as she swayed on her feet. “I can’t undress,” she whimpered. “Everything hurts. It’s too hard.”

“It’s ok,” Emily said comfortingly. She entered the bathroom and closed the door. Taking JJ by the shoulders, Emily guided her to the tub and sat her on the edge. “Do you want me to help you?”

JJ just nodded, wiping her eyes. Emily took a deep breath and gathered the bottom of JJ’s sweatshirt, making sure to get her t-shirt, too. As slowly as possible, she lifted them, carefully pulling JJ’s arms out of the sleeves, and then lifting them over her head. When JJ was free, Emily tossed the sweatshirt and shirt aside. 

Weakly, JJ covered her bare chest, self-conscious even in her exhaustion. Emily knew that JJ didn’t have anything to be self-conscious about, but she made sure to look away so JJ didn’t feel any worse. JJ blushed as she realized that Emily was going to take off her pants and underwear. Emily gave her a small, calm smile as she took JJ’s shoes and socks off. She knew that it was up to her to keep this from being awkward.

“Can you stand?” she asked JJ, setting the shoes and socks aside.

JJ hesitated for a moment, but put her hands on Emily’s shoulders. They stood together, JJ’s full weight on Emily. When they were steady, Emily slid her fingers into the waistband of JJ’s sweatpants and underwear, pulling them down in one swift movement. She stared at JJ’s feet as the weak woman freed herself.

Emily stood quickly, blinking nervously at JJ and making sure to only look at her face. “Ok. Do you think you can shower by yourself?”

“I don’t know,” JJ admitted quietly. “I don’t feel well.”

“That’s to be expected,” Emily replied, smiling. “I think it’d be weirder if you did feel well.”

JJ didn’t smile back. Instead, she just looked toward the shower. Like this, JJ seemed so small and frail. She was the same height as Emily, but she was trembling and thin and she looked so young. Emily wanted to kiss her forehead and tell her that everything would be ok. She didn’t know that for a fact, though, and Emily tried not to lie anymore.

“I’m going to start the water, ok?”

Emily slowly let go of JJ, making sure she could stand before going to the shower. She pulled open the glass door, reaching in and turning the water on. Normally, she would shower in scalding water, but that would probably hurt on JJ’s sensitive skin. So, she made it just warm enough to stand.

Turning back to JJ, she said, “Do you...want me to shower with you? We could sit?”

JJ nodded blearily, swaying on her feet. She stumbled forward to Emily, reaching out and falling into her arms. Carefully, Emily helped her into the shower, ignoring the way her sweatshirt immediately got soaked. She was still wearing her shoes, too, but she helped JJ sit on the ground before ducking back out of the shower.

She quickly stripped down, leaving everything in a pile by the sink before grabbing a washcloth and getting into the shower again. Gathering all the soaps she’d need, she sat behind JJ, crossing her legs and setting everything down beside them. The water felt cold against her skin compared to her usual temperature, but JJ wasn’t complaining, so she left it the way it was.

JJ curled her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. Emily just sat behind her for a moment, wondering how she was supposed to bathe her if she was all curled up like this. Deciding to start with JJ’s hair, Emily picked up the shampoo and squeezed some into her hand. The smell of roses filled the air and JJ lifted her head.

She didn’t say anything but she tilted her head back, letting the water soak her hair. Emily tried not to read too much into the fact that JJ knew it would be shampoo just by the smell. Why did JJ know what Emily’s shampoo smelled like? Emily tried not to think too deeply into it. This wasn’t about her.

Taking JJ’s hair into her hands, Emily began to gently work the shampoo in, being careful not to tug or pull on knots. She worked quietly for a while, just cleaning JJ’s hair, massaging her scalp, and getting all the blood and sweat out. It was easy to just sit silently and take care of the other woman. Emily wanted nothing more than to help her calm down and recover and JJ seemed to be happy about it.

Once she was satisfied with JJ’s hair, Emily began to rinse the soap out. Just the one step made a world of difference and Emily marveled in the silky soft texture of JJ’s blonde hair. It felt exactly the way she’d imagined. When the shampoo was gone, Emily filled a palm with conditioner and began the second step.

“You asked me about whether or not we heard about Ros,” Emily murmured, speaking as quietly as the water allowed. JJ tensed in front of her. “We didn’t hear anything, but… I’m sure it’s - I guess, ‘scary’ isn’t the right word, but I know I would hate it if people knew my secret and I didn’t know theirs.”

JJ turned her head, her hair falling out of Emily’s hands. “It’s not great.”

“Right,” Emily agreed. She reached out for JJ’s hair again and JJ faced forward. “I thought I could tell you one of  _ my  _ secrets, so we’d be on equal ground again. Would that make you feel a little bit better?”

JJ took a shaky breath, but she nodded. With permission to talk given, Emily focused on JJ’s hair again, working her fingers through it and making sure that the conditioner coated every strand. She knew that it was dangerous to give away a secret, but JJ deserved some kindness right now and this was all that Emily had to give.

“Milly isn’t my adopted daughter,” Emily told her. “Well, she is. I did have to adopt her, but...When I was at Yale, when I was 25, I felt a lot of pressure to be the perfect Ambassador's daughter that my mother wanted me to be. I already knew that I was a lesbian, but I  _ also  _ knew that I couldn’t come out because it would hurt my mother’s image. So, I started dating Daniel.”

She began to rinse the conditioner out of JJ’s hair, tilting her head back again. “He was smart, and kind, and a lawyer which I knew that my mother would love. He was a great guy and we got along really well. After a while of dating, I knew that I had to have sex with him. I mean, I’m sure he would have been ok with waiting longer, but… Sleeping with him seemed like a great way to solidify my heterosexuality.”

JJ’s hair was clean and Emily scooted to the side, moving around her to sit right in front of her. She smiled, crossing her legs again and resting her elbows on her knees. JJ was looking at her with exhausted, forlorn eyes, but she seemed to be listening so Emily kept going.

“It wasn’t awful, but it was nothing like the stolen kisses I’d had with women before that. I knew right away that it just wasn’t for me.” Emily swallowed hard, surprised by the way the memories were affecting her. “I broke up with Daniel privately, but he agreed to still go to events with me. He was just the nicest guy. I mean, he was also interning with my mother, so it helped him, but still...I wasn’t expecting him to be so nice.”

She pushed her wet hair from her face. “Uh, I found out I was pregnant a couple of months later. I knew by then that I wanted to join the FBI, so having a kid was off the table. I didn’t want to be tied down like that, but I knew it was Daniel’s kid, too. He wanted it.” Emily sighed, looking up at the shower head and avoiding the sympathy in JJ’s eyes. “I hid away once I started showing. I gave birth. I...gave her up just like that. I didn’t even put my name on the birth certificate. Daniel had started dating Caroline, in secret, about six months before and it was so obvious that they were soulmates. She was put as the birth mother. Milly grew up with them.”

“Does she know?” JJ’s voice was barely audible over the stream of water. “Milly. Does she know?”

“No,” Emily answered sadly. “She thinks she was named after me because I was Caroline’s best friend. The truth is that I barely knew Caroline. I saw her a few times over those six months, but I hadn’t had that much contact with Daniel since I gave Milly away. I got a couple photos, but I was…” Emily caught herself, smiling tightly. “I wasn’t in a place to get more information.”

“Why now?”

The question was simple, but Emily understood it. “Hotch and Daniel worked for my mother at the same time, and I guess they stayed close when Hotch went into the FBI. He was acting as the executor of Daniel and Caroline’s joint will. They left Milly to me.” She frowned. “I’m not upset that I have Milly now, but I wish they’d asked me first. I feel like I was just about to have some stability and then I suddenly had a pre-teen to take care off. It was a lot at once.”

She blinked, pulling herself back together and taking a deep breath. “Anyway. That’s my secret. One for one.”

“Thank you,” JJ said softly. She reached a hand out, tucking a thick strand of wet hair behind Emily’s ear. “I’ll keep it for you.”

Emily nodded, warmth filling her chest at JJ’s kindness even when she was barely conscious. “Thank you, Jajye.” Clapping her hands together, Emily gestured to JJ’s body. “Let’s get the rest of you cleaned up, so you can go to sleep.”

Smiling sleepily, JJ stretched her legs out to one side of Emily, revealing her chest and a large tattoo. Emily leaned forward, too mesmerized by the image of a blackbird to realize that she was just staring at JJ’s chest. Beneath JJ’s breasts was a huge tattoo of a blackbird, its wings spread across her ribs, beak pointed upwards. 

Emily traced the image with a reverent finger, running her fingertips over detailed feathers and sharp talons. The bird looked majestic, but dangerous. It was a warning and a greeting at once, both sharp and soft. Looking up into JJ’s clear blue eyes, Emily smiled warmly.

“It’s beautiful,” Emily murmured. “I would never have guessed.”

JJ’s chin quivered and tears filled her eyes. “I like the song,” she said, voice wobbling with emotion, “and the poem.”

“I can guess Blackbird.” Emily took her fingers away, picking up the washcloth and dumping soap onto it. The smell of sweet honeysuckle complimented the smell of rose, floral without being overwhelming. “What’s the poem?”

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul,” JJ recited, her eyes fluttering shut. Emily froze. “And sings the tune without the words, never stops at all, and sweetest in the Gale is heard, and sore must be the storm, that could abash the little Bird that kept so many warm-”

“Je l’ai entendu dans la terre la plus froide,” Emily interrupted, continuing the poem in the language she’d first heard it, “et sur la mer la plus étrange, Pourtant, jamais, dans Extrémité, Il m’a demandé une miette, de Moi.” 

Blood rushed in Emily’s ears at the knowledge that they had tattoos that came from the same source. It was hard not to read it as a sign, but Emily knew better than to believe in fate. Just because they had matching tattoos didn’t mean they were tied together. It just meant that they had similar exposure to literature.

“You know it?” JJ asked her. When Emily looked at her, she was flushed, cheeks pink beneath the stitches. The tears in her eyes were gone, replaced instead with the first glimmer of hope visible in her eyes since they’d been reunited. “Emily Dickinson.”

“A better Emily,” she joked, smiling weakly. Licking her lips, Emily reached for her left breast. She lifted it to reveal the tattoo of a feather. “I got it in Spain after… A bad situation. It’s based on that poem.”

JJ shivered and reminded them both of why they were still in the shower. Shifting, Emily leaned past her to move the handle, warming the water some more. She wanted to keep JJ warm until she could tuck her into bed.

She washed JJ carefully, starting with her arms before moving to her shoulders, her chest, her legs. It was easy to keep it casual when she was staring at the dried blood, sweat, and grime that covered JJ and reminded her of what she’d just been through. There was nothing less sexy than torture and trauma.

When she was moving to sit behind JJ again and wash her back, JJ’s hand on her side stopped her. Looking down, Emily saw that JJ was tracing the tattoo on her side. She’d gotten it after Milly was born in a language she’d always loved.

“Goodbye,” Emily told her, smiling when JJ glanced up at her. “It says ‘goodbye’ in Arabic. I got it after Milly.”

“That’s beautiful.”

JJ’s hand fell and Emily continued her move. It didn’t take her long to finish cleaning JJ. When she was done, she washed herself quickly, knowing that she’d be upset tomorrow if she woke up with a few days’ dirt on her. Satisfied, she shut the water off and climbed to her feet.

“Alright,” she sighed, reaching down to JJ, “let’s get you dried, dressed, and in bed.”

JJ took Emily’s hands and climbed to her feet. It was awkward with Emily doing most of the lifting, but they managed to get out of the shower. Emily jumped forward to grab the towel she’d set out on the edge of the tub and helped JJ wrap it around her. 

“Sit,” she told JJ. “I’ll get your hair.”

Half-asleep, JJ nodded and sat down, trusting Emily to catch her if she fell. Emily pulled two more towels out of the bathroom cabinet. She wrapped one around herself before grabbing a brush out of a drawer and sitting beside the tired blonde.

Gently, Emily dried her hair, rubbing it in the towel and doing her best not to disturb JJ too much. Now that the tired woman was almost asleep, Emily didn’t want to wake her up too much. Hopefully, she could get JJ dressed and then she’d fall right asleep, resting all night long and waking up feeling better.

Brushing JJ’s hair, Emily examined her profile. JJ was beautiful. There was no doubting that. Emily wondered what would happen between them now that JJ was out. It would take her a while to recover from all of this and Emily could wait. She’d wait as long as JJ needed her to.

When they were done, Emily stood and helped JJ up again. They started for the bedroom., Emily holding JJ’s hand with hers and keeping her towel closed with the other. It was a short walk, but Emily couldn’t help but be nervous that Milly was going to step out of her room and see them. It was impossible to mistake their nakedness for anything other than what it was.

Emily hurried into her bedroom, closing the door behind them. She looked at JJ, smiling softly as the other woman looked around the room. JJ was barely awake, but she was still trying to take in all the details. Emily just guided her toward the bed.

“Hold on,” Emily instructed. “I’ll get you underwear and a shirt.”

She went to her dresser, pulling out a pair of plain black boyshorts and an oversized Yale t-shirt. Handing them to JJ, she stayed close as the tired woman stepped into the underwear and pulled the shirt over her head. Emily smiled, happy to see her moving a little easier. She was glad that the shower had helped her feel better. 

When she was dressed, Emily helped her into bed, watching as she moved close to the wall and settled in. JJ was asleep immediately, curled into a ball and snoring softly. Emily took a moment to just take her in. 

JJ looked so calm now, her face relaxed and body limp. She was still clearly hurt, the bruises and stitches on her face evidence enough. Still, she seemed peaceful at least and Emily felt a wave of relief wash over her. She hadn’t managed to make JJ feel worse and that felt like a huge victory.

Emily got dressed herself, pulling on underwear and another large t-shirt. There was a small part of her that was enjoying the simple domesticity of showering together and sleeping together. It felt like a guilty pleasure, but it had been a very,  _ very  _ long time since she’d slept in a bed with someone other than her daughter.

Sliding under the blankets, Emily made sure to keep her distance from JJ. She didn’t need the other woman waking up and feeling uncomfortable. However, as soon as she’d settled on her side, JJ was reaching out for her, tugging her close. Blushing, Emily tucked her head under JJ’s, letting the sleeping woman hold her. 

She started falling asleep faster than she expected. It felt amazing to be clean and warm and wrapped in JJ’s arms. Closing her eyes, Emily relaxed, feeling like she could breathe for the first time in years. Focusing on JJ’s soft snores, Emily drifted away.


	11. Cold Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Jorway Jess. Love ya, bestie!

JJ woke slowly, too warm and sleepy to jolt awake like she usually did. Instead, she pointed her toes, stretching her legs out, groaning as her muscles protested. Her arms reached above her head, fingers hitting the headboard and making her pull her arms back under the blankets. 

Even in her half-awake haze, JJ could tell that she wasn’t in her own bed. The pillows her face was buried in smelled familiar and pleasant, but they were too soft to be hers. JJ rolled onto her stomach, hugging a pillow to her chest and pressing her face into the cool cloth. It smelled like cologne and roses and something else that made her heart race.

It smelled like Emily, JJ realized suddenly. Her eyes opened and she sat up, looking around the bedroom she was in. She recognized it from the pictures she’d received from Emily over the past few months. The memory of Hankel, her hallucinations, and Emily’s rescue returned to her, ruining the pleasant mood she’d woken up in.

JJ took a deep breath, trying not to panic. She remembered the physical torture she’d gone through and gingerly touched the stitches on her cheek. Throwing back Emily’s dark red comforter, JJ climbed out of bed. Her feet hit the cold wood floor and pain shot up her calves.

Looking down, she lifted a foot, holding it carefully and tilting her head to check why it hurt. Red welts criss crossed her sole, making it tender and painful. The memory of Hankel hitting her because she wouldn’t confess flooded back. With a gasp, she dropped her foot, wincing as it hit the floor again.

She spotted a pair of beige Uggs peeking out from under the bed and stretched to pick them up. Sliding them on, she took in the room, eager to take advantage of the rare chance to learn more about Emily. It was a good distraction from thinking about herself Standing, she found that the fluffy Uggs helped ease the pain.

JJ looked around at the bed. Emily had black sheets with dark red pillow cases and a dark red comforter. It seemed right somehow. The thought of Emily purposefully choosing to sleep in darkness made her smile. Her manners taking over, JJ made the bed quickly, tucking the comforter in tightly. When she went to the foot of the bed, she saw a pile of decorative pillows in the corner. They seemed like they’d been there a while, haphazardly thrown off the bed one night and never thought of again.

Picking up the pillows, JJ tossed them onto the bed. When she picked up the last one, she uncovered a small safe. It was probably a gun safe, but JJ still found it curious. It made sense because Milly shouldn’t have access to any guns in the house. JJ decided not to worry about it and finished organizing the ten decorative pillows onto Emily’s bed.

When she was done, she went to the dresser to see what Emily thought was important enough to display. There was a bottle of expensive cologne and JJ picked it up, smelling it and smiling. It was definitely Emily’s scent. It made JJ light-headed and warm, so she put it down and tried to push the thoughts away. She remembered her time at bible camp now, but she just wasn’t in a place to process it.

Moving along the dresser, she found a worn stuffed rabbit and an old polaroid between its arms. The picture showed Emily and an older woman with one hand on her shoulder. The woman was blonde, so JJ could guess that she wasn’t her mother. Maybe she was an older teacher or housekeeper. Emily looked exactly like Milly in the picture.

Turning away, JJ saw a desk against another wall, empty except for a calendar and a lamp. There were also three thin bookcases that were entirely full. She walked to it and looked over the books, tangling her hands in the bottom of her shirt. She wasn’t surprised to see books in several languages, but it was still intimidating. Emily was so smart. Maybe JJ should practice her French more.

She pushed the thought from her head. There was no reason to try and impress Emily. The backs of her thighs stung with phantom pain. She pushed that away, too.

Releasing the grip on her shirt, she wondered if she should find pants to put on, but decided against it. She’d take the embarrassment of bare thighs over the potential mortification of finding something _ private  _ in one of Emily’s drawers. With a sigh and a final look around the room, she walked out into the hallway, closing the door behind herself.

She headed down the hallway toward the stairs, glancing into Milly’s room as she passed. It was really clean for a pre-teen’s bedroom. The bed was made, the desk was organized, and there wasn’t anything on the floor. JJ was impressed.

Turning away and starting down the stairs, JJ wondered what day it was. They’d left for Atlanta on Sunday, but she’d totally lost track of time since then. Her body protested as she walked down the staircase. She was still incredibly sore.

When she reached the first floor, she saw Emily sitting on a cushioned bench in front of an open window. The sunlight made the lighter brown highlights in her black hair visible, and the gentle breeze made her ponytail swing slightly. She was wearing a black tank top that showed off her slim arms and gentle curves. Thick black sweatpants hid her legs away. JJ barely noticed any of that, though.

Her eyes were fixed on Emily’s long, delicate fingers. She held a glass ashtray in one hand and a slim cigarette between two fingers in the other. Her legs were drawn up to her chest and she rested her hands on her knees, perfectly painted red nails standing out against pale skin and dark cloth. JJ watched as Emily brought her cigarette up to her lips. Dimly, JJ registered that Emily’s lips were a dusty dark pink without lipstick.

She honestly didn’t know what it was about seeing Emily like this that affected her so much. Was it because seeing Emily without make-up, dressed in casual, comfortable clothing, almost felt like seeing her naked? Maybe it was the way Emily watched the people outside with wistful envy. JJ could imagine Emily as a princess, locked away in an ivory tower, longing for love and connection.

The dramatic thought made JJ roll her eyes at herself. Emily was just a person and seeing her like this reinforced that idea. Maybe seeing how normal and approachable Emily seemed was what made JJ feel weird.

Clearing her throat, JJ smiled as Emily’s head snapped around. Emily quickly put out her cigarette, put the ashtray down on the bench, and jumped to her feet. She crossed the living room, hurrying to JJ and putting her hands on her shoulders.

“Hi!” Emily said, looking her over. Her eyes lingered on JJ’s cheek, checking to see how the stitches handled restless sleep. “How are you feeling? Did you sleep well?”

“I’m fine,” JJ chuckled, meeting Emily’s worried eyes. She remembered the shower last night, Emily’s tattoos, flushed skin, and the secret she’d shared. “Where’s Milly?”

“School,” Emily answered. She smiled affectionately. “She begged to stay home with you, even though I reminded her that it was Friday and she’d have the whole weekend. She wanted to stay so she could cook you food.”

At the mention of food, JJ’s stomach growled and she blushed. “I’m actually very hungry…”

Emily winced. “That’s my fault. Milly made you soup last night and I forgot to make you eat it.”

“None of this is your fault.” JJ bit her lip, trying to decide how vulnerable she wanted to be. “Thank you for rescuing me yesterday. I’m sorry for calling you…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Emily interrupted. She squeezed JJ’s shoulders before dropping her hands. “I mean it. You needed to send a message and that was the best way. It worked, so no harm no foul.”

JJ smiled weakly. Following her impulse, she hugged Emily tightly, leaning heavily on her and pressing a kiss to her cheek. Emily tensed, but she hugged JJ back. Her arms wrapped around JJ’s waist and they just stood there for a moment, enjoying the closeness and the comfort of knowing they were safe.

“Thank you,” JJ mumbled against Emily’s cheek. “I know you were just doing your job, but knowing that you were coming for me really helped. You didn’t have to take me home and take such good care of me.” She kissed Emily’s cheek again. “Thank you for trusting me.”

Emily pulled away, smiling at JJ. There was a distance in her eyes that JJ recognized from when she joined the BAU. It didn’t feel good to see it aimed at her again, but she thought that it might just be how Emily dealt with things. As if she read her thoughts, Emily’s body relaxed, shoulders dropping.

“I was worried about you,” Emily admitted quietly. She ran a hand over her hair, dragging it down her ponytail. “Anyway, um-” She cleared her throat. “Do you have a food preference? Milly’s soup was out all night, but I think we have… salad? I’ll be honest, she does all the cooking and I just buy what’s on the grocery list. She made me eggs for breakfast.”

JJ laughed at that, fully believing that Emily completely trusted Milly with food. She shrugged a shoulder and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I kind of want Chinese? I’ll probably feel terrible afterwards, but orange chicken is kind of my comfort food.”

“Then, orange chicken you shall have.”

Emily went back to the bench and sat, JJ trailing after her and sitting, too. She crossed her legs on the bench and watched as Emily picked her cellphone up and started dialing. JJ was glad to see she wasn’t the only one with the closest Chinese restaurant’s phone number memorized. 

As Emily waited for someone to answer the call, JJ picked up the mostly empty pack of Parliaments. She chuckled to herself.  _ Of course,  _ Emily smoked Parliaments. It was so pretentious. Grinning at Emily, JJ opened the pack and pulled one out.

Emily was holding the phone to her ear, but she stared at JJ as she put the cigarette between her lips and reached for the slim silver lighter. “You smoke?”

“Only when I’m having an existential crisis,” JJ replied, flicking the lighter open. She lit the cigarette, breathing in lightly as she held the small flame against the tip, her free hand cupping it to protect it from the cool breezes flowing in. “Although, I usually go for something cheaper, like Newports.”

Emily’s nose wrinkled in distaste. “Newports? Might as well smoke- Yes! Hello!”

JJ leaned against the window, the cold glass helping her focus a little better. She closed her eyes, lazily smoking as she listened to Emily order orange chicken and about thirty other things. It felt calm and domestic and way too easy. JJ told herself that it was because their friendship had always been easy.

“Ok,” Emily said, ending the call. “I ordered some extra food, in case you want more.”

JJ blinked her eyes open, smiling sleepily across the bench. “Thanks.” She offered her cigarette and Emily took it. Their fingers brushed together and JJ watched as Emily blushed, putting the cigarette into her mouth and looking away. “Tell me more about Milly,” she requested. “How old is she? What grade is she in?”

Emily took the cigarette from her mouth and passed it back to JJ. “She’s 12,” Emily answered. “In 7th grade. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. I’m so old.”

“You’re not old,” JJ laughed. She gave Emily a cheeky grin. “I mean, you’re older than  _ me _ .” 

“Oh, shut up,” Emily snorted, rolling her eyes affectionately. She nodded her head at the couch. “You want to watch a movie or something? We’ve got a few hours before Milly gets out of school.”

“Sure!”

They quickly finished the cigarette, dropping the fancy Parliament filter into the ashtray. It made JJ laugh to think about Emily as a kid smoking Parliaments and thinking she looked so cool. She let the cheerful energy carry her to the couch, plopping down.

Her shirt rode up on her thighs, but she didn’t care. She just lifted her legs to pull Emily’s Uggs off before grabbing a large blanket that was folded neatly in the corner of the large couch. She covered herself and waited for Emily to sit beside her so she could cover her, too. JJ draped her legs over Emily’s and snuggled into her side.

She didn’t even realize she’d fallen asleep until she woke up sometime later with her head on Emily’s shoulder and her arms wrapped around a slim waist. Awareness came to her slowly, but the first thing she noticed was Emily’s fingers running over her back gently. It was so soothing that JJ kept her eyes closed a little longer to hold on to the feeling. Emily’s other hand rested on JJ’s arm, her thumb brushing over soft skin.

JJ was so warm under the blanket and tucked into Emily. The other woman’s body heat felt amazing against her. It felt foreign to her, a new experience that she’d never had before. JJ had dated men before, but she was never much of a cuddler and those relationships never lasted too long anyway. She felt like she could stay in Emily’s arms forever.

Sighing, JJ opened her eyes. On the coffee table in front of them was a half-eaten box of noodles, a few empty plastic trays, and a glass of wine. At some point, Emily had gotten up to get their food, eaten some, and settled in to cuddle JJ again. It shouldn’t make JJ as emotional as it did, but JJ felt touched that Emily would be there for her like that.

Across the coffee table was a short TV stand. The shelves were packed full of DVDs and from her place against Emily, JJ could see that they were mostly children’s movies with a few unfamiliar titles mixed in. Idly, JJ wondered if Emily had had this before Milly or if it was a recent purchase. Emily didn’t strike her as the couch potato type.

“Hey,” Emily said quietly, her hands stopping their lazy trails. “Did I wake you up?”

“No,” JJ mumbled, sitting up. She rubbed her eyes, wincing when it hurt more than she was expecting. “Ow.”

Emily pulled her hands away from her face. “You have two black eyes,” she told JJ. “I guess you didn’t look too closely in the mirror last night.”

“I did not,” JJ confirmed. She met Emily’s eyes, smiling. “Thanks for letting me sleep. I’m sorry I’m not a more entertaining house guest.”

“I don’t know,” Emily said, clicking her tongue. Her eyes twinkled with mirth. “Your snores were pretty funny. Did you know that you talk in your sleep?”

Heat flooded JJ’s face and her eyes widened with panic. “Emily, I am  _ so  _ sorry.”

“Relax,” the older woman laughed, running her hands over JJ’s shoulders. “I’m just kidding. You’re fine.”

JJ’s stomach grumbled loudly, interrupting anything she might have said. “Oh god, I’m starving.”

“Let me get your food.” Emily carefully extracted herself from JJ and stood. She pointed a finger down at JJ, eyes narrowing. “Stay awake.”

“No promises,” JJ joked.

Settling back against the couch, she watched Emily walk to the kitchen. It would probably be creepy to just watch her, so JJ turned her attention to the television. She smiled as she immediately recognized the show that was playing silently. Fraser was one of the shows she’d been obsessed with growing up. It had been fascinating to watch rich people. JJ would imagine that she was Marty, drinking Dr. Pepper and pretending it was Ballantine’s. 

“Oh,” Emily said from the kitchen, pulling JJ’s attention to her. “I called Penelope and she’s going to pick Milly up from school for me. I told her the code word.”

“Code word?” JJ repeated, confused. The idea was so random that she forgot to be surprised that Emily had told Pen about Milly. “There’s a code word?”

“ _ Crème glacée _ _ , _ ” Emily clarified. “It’s ice cream in French. It’s…” Her eyes unfocused for a moment, but she blinked and smiled at JJ. “It’s for safety, so Milly knows who’s supposed to be picking her up. You know how many creeps are out there. I hope PG can pronounce it well enough to appease Milly.”

JJ shook her head, grinning at the idea of Penelope trying to speak French to Emily’s precocious daughter. She suddenly remembered that no one was supposed to know about Milly. “Wait. Why is  _ Penelope  _ getting Milly? Does she know?”

Emily rolled her eyes before turning around to place a plate into the microwave. “She knew before I even started working with you,” she said over her shoulder as she closed the microwave door and set the time. When it started, she turned around again to smirk at JJ. “Remember how she pulled me aside during orientation?” JJ nodded. “She was telling me she ‘accidentally’ found Milly’s adoption papers. She doesn’t know that Milly is my… Is related to me by blood.”

“Oh, ok.” JJ pulled the blanket over her shoulders. “Does Hotch know?”

“Nope. It’s only you and me.”

JJ’s eyelashes fluttered at the revelation and she felt her body grow warm. She liked the idea that there was something only she and Emily knew. It was like they shared something special. 

“Oh, yeah,” Emily said suddenly, snapping her fingers. “Pen said something about bringing Henry? Who’s Henry? She didn’t say.”

JJ laughed loudly sending pain shooting across her ribs, but she barely felt it. Of course, Penelope wouldn’t tell Emily about Henry. She grinned across the living room at Emily.

“Henry is my tortoise,” JJ told her as the microwave beeped. “Penelope has an enclosure at her apartment, so she can watch him while I’m gone. She’ll bring his travel tub here.” JJ hesitated. “I guess, I should ask if that’s ok. He’s really low maintenance.”

“It’s fine,” Emily assured her. She pulled the plate out of the microwave and a clatter told JJ that she was getting utensils from a drawer. “I don’t mind. I’m sure Milly is over the moon right now. I told her no pets.”

“Every kid should have a pet,” JJ gasped. She raised her eyebrows at Emily as the other woman walked her food to her. “You have to get her a pet, Emily.”

Emily smiled sadly as she placed the plate on the coffee table and set the utensils beside it. “Unfortunately, I’m gone too much and I don’t think Hotch, or Haley, would appreciate suddenly having a pet.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

JJ moved to the edge of the couch and started eating. Emily sat beside her, crossing her legs and resting an arm on the back of the couch. Doing her best not to just scarf down her food, JJ ate enthusiastically. If it was Friday, then she probably hadn’t eaten in four days. No wonder she was starving.

The lock on the front door opened and JJ swallowed, glancing at Emily. Emily stood, moving toward the sound, but the door burst open before she was even halfway there. Milly barrelled into the apartment, tearing her backpack off and tossing it onto the chair under the staircase. She ran right to JJ and launched herself onto the couch.

“How are you?” she asked eagerly, eyes wide and bright. “Are you feeling better? Did you sleep all day? Did Emily cook for you? Where did you get Henry? Are turtles good pets?”

“Jesus, kid,” Emily muttered, scratching her head. “Give her a chance to answer.”

JJ looked at Penelope helplessly, overwhelmed by the sudden barrage of questions. Penelope winked at her and carried the large plastic tub containing Henry into the apartment. Emily moved to close the door and JJ did her best to answer Milly’s questions.

“Um, I’m ok,” she started, putting her fork down and turning to face the young interrogator. “I’m feeling much better. I slept  _ almost  _ all day. Emily ordered food, thank goodness. I stole Henry, who is a  _ tortoise,  _ and, yes, they make great pets.”

Milly’s eyes widened at JJ’s answers. “You stole him? From where?”

“You don’t have to answer,” Emily told her, smirking. She wandered back into the living room and raised an eyebrow at Milly. “Why don’t you go change out of your uniform and take a deep breath. Remember what we talked about this morning?”

“Yes,” Milly answered petulantly, sliding off the couch and dramatically stalking to get her bag. “JJ needs calm and quiet.” She pouted at JJ. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’ll still be here once you’ve changed.” JJ smiled at her. “When you come back, you can hold Henry, if you want.”

“I’ll be right back!” Milly gasped before bolting to her room.

The adults laughed as she thundered up the stairs. Penelope went to JJ, looking her over with sharp, examining eyes, taking in each bruise and scrape. She set Henry’s plastic tub on the coffee table and sat beside JJ.

“Baby, I’m so sorry this happened to you,” she said, eyes filling with tears. “I’m so sorry it took so long to find you and I couldn’t help and I wasn’t there when you got taken and I had to watch you die! You died! Jayje, I’m so sorry-”

“Peeg,” JJ interrupted, putting her hands on the other blonde’s shoulders. She rubbed her arms. “I’m okay. Really. None of this was your fault and I need you to understand that. You helped me get my message to Emily. She wouldn’t have found me without you.”

She smiled affectionately at Penelope, waiting for the other woman to nod. When she did, JJ tugged her close, wrapping her arms around Penelope’s shoulders. Penelope clutched JJ’s oversized shirt, burying her face into the crook of her neck. JJ looked over her head at Emily.

The dark-haired woman was staring at them, her cheeks pink. JJ would give anything to know what she was thinking in that moment. Was she jealous that Penelope was holding her like this? Was she seeing what she and JJ’s embraces looked like from the outside? JJ rested her cheek on Penelope’s head and just watched Emily watch them.

After a long moment, Penelope began to pull away and Emily snapped out of her trance. She took a deep breath and moved to sit beside the coffee table. Peering through Henry’s clear plastic container, she dragged a slow finger down the side, seemingly determined to pretend she hadn’t just been staring at JJ.

Pen sat back and smiled at JJ, wiping her face. “I’m so glad that you’re ok, Jayje. Em and I almost broke down when we saw you die.”

JJ turned to Emily, biting back a grin when she saw that the tips of her ears were pink with embarrassment. “You can hold him,” JJ said, chuckling. “He’s a really calm pet.”

“No, thank you,” Emily replied quickly, wincing. She took her hand away from the box. “I’ll let Milly have him first.”

The slight quiver in her voice suggested Emily’s consideration for Milly wasn’t entirely out of the goodness of her heart. Out of respect, and the desire to see Emily try and downplay her nervousness, JJ didn’t call her out on it. Instead, she waited for Penelope to take her shoes off before cuddling into the other blonde.

After working together for a couple years, the two women were best friends. JJ trusted Penelope more than she trusted anyone else in the world. Except for Emily Prentiss. Instead of trying to figure out why Emily had gotten under her skin so quickly, JJ just dropped her head onto Penelope’s shoulder.

Milly ran down the stairs again. Her crisp school uniform had been replaced by comfortable house clothes and fuzzy slippers. She’d tied her long hair up into a ponytail and JJ’s heart clenched at the sight. It just kept hitting her how much the girl looked like Emily. It made her easier to like.

“Can I pick up Henry?” Milly asked as soon as she stepped off the stairs. “I’ll be careful. I hold the chinchillas at school all the time.”

“Your school has chinchillas?” Pen asked, surprised. “Wow. My school had rats.”

JJ snorted. “In a cage or in the walls?”

“Both.”

They laughed together and JJ felt a little more like herself. Her emotions were still raw after her torture, but Pen was a calming, familiar presence. It made it easier to stand the way Emily’s presence affected her.

“You can hold him,” JJ finally answered Milly. “I’ll get him out.”

Pulling away from Penelope, she started to move the blanket aside before remembering that she wasn’t wearing pants. She decided to avoid the questions that would inevitably come from Penelope. So, she left the blanket over her lap and just scooted to the edge of the couch.

Reaching out for the plastic tub, she peeled the top off. The enclosure in her apartment took up half of her living room. She didn’t use the space for anything, so it worked as a good space for Henry to run around. That enclosure had sand and sticks covering the ground, half of it lit by a heat lamp with a few rocks for him to lay on and the other half was covered and cool with his nest.

Penelope had turned her second bedroom into an enclosure for Henry. It had a bed for when JJ crashed there after an intense girls’ night, but everyone called it “Henry’s Room.” His travel enclosure was a clear plastic tub with slits cut into the top and holes poked into the top. Usually, he was only in it for the drive between their apartments, but they still made sure he had a battery-powered heated rock, plenty of sticks, and his food. It would be fine to keep him in the tub for a couple of days. JJ could ask Emily to go grocery shopping for Henry.

“Alright,” JJ said, picking Henry up carefully with both hands. She held him out for Milly to take, grinning when the pre-teen practically vibrated with excitement. “He’s not heavy.”

Milly took him from her with steady hands, a look of intense concentration on her face. She cradled the small tortoise to her chest and grinned when he tried to nip at her shirt. Wide, dark eyes turned to JJ.

“He’s amazing!”

“He’s pretty cool,” JJ agreed, chuckling. She looked at Emily. “You might have to get a tortoise…”

Emily rolled her eyes, scooting away from the tub and leaning against the couch in front of Penelope. “I can just have an enclosure made here, so you can bring him when you come over.”

JJ’s heart skipped a beat and she almost missed the look Milly and Penelope exchanged. Licking her lips, she shrugged casually. “I wouldn’t ask you to do that. I don’t know if it’s worth it.”

“You don’t want to come over again?” Emily asked, looking up at her with worry. “It’s not a problem.”

“Well…” JJ felt herself blushing, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from Emily’s. Of course she wanted to spend more time at Emily’s apartment. She loved spending time with her. “I guess if it isn’t a big deal. I think I still have the specifications for mine. We could shrink it.”

Emily tore her eyes away from JJ to look at the space under the stairs. “Would that work?” She gestured to the small alcove. “There’s an outlet. Turtles need heat lamps and stuff, right?”

Milly spoke up, startling both women. “He’s a  _ tortoise _ , Emily. You should get that right if you’re going to build him a home. JJ isn’t going to bring him if you buy  _ turtle  _ stuff for him. Right, JJ?”

JJ found herself on the receiving end of a sharp stare. Somehow, she felt like she was being judged and worried that she wouldn’t answer correctly. She swallowed. “Well, I’d still come over. I wouldn’t turn Emily down just because she bought the wrong stuff. If she’s still buying the wrong stuff in a year?” JJ winked at Emily. “Maybe.”

It seemed like she’d said the right thing because Milly nodded again. JJ wasn’t sure exactly what the test had been, but she’d passed it. Milly sat on the floor beside Emily and held Henry out to her.

“You want to hold him?”

Emily winced and shook her head. “No, thank you. I prefer animals with fur.”

“I’ll take him!” Penelope said cheerfully. “I love this little guy!”

Milly reached above Emily’s head, making her duck, and handed Henry over. JJ watched the exchange happily. When Henry was settled in Penelope’s lap, she picked up her Chinese food and resumed eating. It might be impolite to be the only one eating, but she was still hungry and no one could blame her.

“Oh!” Milly said, the sight of JJ’s food reminding her. “What does Henry eat?”

“Greens,” Penelope answered before JJ could. “They’re vegetarians, like me!”

Milly gasped. “Me too!”

The two vegetarians launched into a conversation that JJ couldn’t follow. She focused on eating instead, working her way through her fried rice and the two egg rolls Emily had given her. The couch dipped beside her and she looked to see Emily sitting down.

“Don’t eat too fast,” Emily said quietly. “We don’t need you throwing up.”

JJ pouted, but she slowed down. “Hey, I don’t want to overstay my welcome, but can I stay here for a couple days? I… I’m not sure I can take care of myself at home.”

“Of course.” Emily put her hand on JJ’s blanket-covered leg. “Hotch gave me a few days off. You could stay through the weekend, and then we’ll re-evaluate?”

“That sounds great.” JJ smiled. “Thank you.”

Emily returned her smile. “Any time.”

“Emily!” Milly called, getting their attention. “I love your friends!”

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A few hours later, the apartment was cleaned up, Milly was in bed, Penelope had gone home, and Emily was sitting in bed. She’d showered as quickly as possible, so she could help JJ if she needed it, but the blonde woman was determined to bathe herself this time. Emily knew it was probably a matter of pride and didn’t fight it. She’d just put a clean pajama shirt on and climbed into bed to wait.

Even though JJ had been asleep for most of the day, Emily was worn out. She’d spent hours trying to decide if it was too soon to have feelings for the blonde woman, or if this was the speed that normal people fell in love. Not that Emily thought she was in love. It was probably just a mix of friendship and lust. JJ was really kind and Emily hadn’t had sex in a while. Not that she was only thinking about sex with JJ. She liked her as a person and always enjoyed her company. Was that love?

With a heavy sigh, Emily rubbed her forehead and cut off that train of thought. This was what she’d spent the entire day doing. The thoughts taunted her all morning, then again when JJ was napping in her arms, and even now when they were going to bed. Emily wasn’t used to someone occupying so much space in her head.

She looked at the plastic tub sitting on her desk. Henry was staring at her, or at least that’s what it felt like. Emily didn’t hate  _ tortoises _ , but their shells always looked slimy and she just wasn’t into that. She narrowed her eyes at him.

The bedroom door opened and JJ walked in, her wet hair hanging down her back and her body wrapped in a towel. Smiling politely, Emily gestured to the clothing she’d set at the end of the bed. Unlike yesterday, she’d given JJ a pair of shorts.

“I put that out for you,” Emily told her. “I can ask Pen to bring something from your apartment tomorrow, so you don’t have to live out of your go-bag.”

“Okay,” JJ replied, moving toward the clothes. A soft blush covered her cheeks as she picked up Emily’s old Velvet Underground t-shirt. “Thanks.”

Emily looked toward the wall as JJ dressed, ignoring the pounding of her heart in her chest. She’d already seen the other woman naked, but it felt different tonight. JJ could have chosen to go home, but she decided to stay. Not only that, but she was much more aware of the world around her tonight; everything felt more real.

“I’m dressed,” JJ said softly, kneeling onto the bed. “Can I sleep against the wall?”

“Of course!”

Emily winced at how loud her answer was, but she just scooted back and made space. JJ crawled up the bed, brow furrowing as she maneuvered herself under the covers, settling heavily onto the bed. She gave Emily a pained smile.

“I managed to shower, but my body still hurts a lot.”

“I’m sorry,” Emily replied sympathetically. “You can take a long, hot bath tomorrow. That’ll make you feel better.”

JJ nodded. She rolled onto her side to face Emily. “What do you and Milly usually do together? When you have a day off, I mean.”

“Well,” Emily started, laying down too and facing JJ, “Milly makes me a full English breakfast. Vegetarian, of course.” The two women chuckled together. “Then, we’ll watch a movie at home, or go to the theater. Sometimes we go to the park, or a museum. She’s done more in DC than I have, honestly. So, I let her make the choices.”

“That sounds great,” JJ mumbled as she began to drift off. “I’m excited.”

Emily opened her mouth to say that they’d probably stay home because of her injuries, but she closed it again. She knew that she’d carry JJ through a museum if the blonde wanted to go out. It should be an embarrassing fact, but Emily was a little bit glad to find that she was still capable of caring for someone outside of an emergency. 

She had the intense urge to run a gentle finger down JJ’s nose. It was almost overwhelming and Emily tried to divert the impulse to something else. Unfortunately, her sleepy brain made her tuck a wet strand of hair behind JJ’s ear instead and blue eyes blinked at her.

“I can’t believe you smoke Parliaments,” JJ mumbled. “That’s so dumb.”

“I can’t believe you smoke at all,” Emily replied with a small smile. “And I don’t smoke. Not really. I’ve had the pack for years now. It’s just been a stressful week.”

JJ nodded, the soft sound of her cheek against the dark pillowcase filling the air between them. “Me neither. It’s probably been a year.”

Emily bit her lip as JJ smiled sleepily, her eyes hazy with exhaustion. “Newports?” she asked, surprising herself. “Why Newports?”

“There was a girl,” JJ replied, her eyes drifting shut again. “I was in 10th grade and she was a senior. She was so scary. She wore fishnets and goth make-up and these big boots, but she was always nice to me. I was jealous of her confidence.”

Emily’s breath caught in her throat. Would JJ have noticed  _ her _ in high school? Even now, 20 years after she’d graduated, a small part of Emily felt the familiar thrill of a grade school crush. She wondered what JJ looked like in high school, and knew that she would have been head over heels then, too.

“Yeah?” Emily prompted when JJ took a moment to continue.

Blinking rapidly to keep herself awake, JJ drew in a long breath. “Um, she asked me to meet her under the bleachers after soccer practice. Mine, not hers.” A smile tugged at the corners of JJ’s mouth. “She offered me a cigarette and I was so desperate to impress her that I took it. I almost threw up from coughing so hard.” They chuckled together. “Anyway, she graduated, but Newports are my go-to now. That probably seems silly to someone who smokes  _ Parliaments _ .”

“It makes a lot of sense,” Emily assured her. She reached to trace a finger along JJ’s jaw, her restraint diminished by the fog of sleep threatening to overwhelm her. “I’ve done a lot of stupid things for pretty girls.”

JJ blushed, but she curled against Emily’s chest and tucked her head under Emily’s chin. “Thanks for being perfect,” she whispered into Emily’s collarbone. “You’ve really saved me.”

“Anytime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is a time jump that puts us back in the action! Thanks for sticking around through all the Hankel stuff!


	12. Flaws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A last little chapter before we dive back into the episodes!

_PG: You’re going to do so great!!! My extra smooth blonde espresso can do anything!!_

_EP: Pen! Therapy isn’t something you do well! It’s not about getting a good grade. JJ, just be honest and talk to them and let them help._

_PG: What would you know about honesty? You’re Little Miss Secret Keeper!_

_EP: It’s ‘Ms.’ Secret Keeper to you! I’m an adult. I’m not a ‘Miss.’_

_PG: Are you? Are you an adult? What’s your birthdate and time?_

_EP: JJ. Tell Pen to stop trying to astrologize me._

_PG: That’s not even a word! JJ, tell Em to stop glaring at me :(_

JJ laughed at her friends’ attempts to calm her down. She was sitting on a worn leather couch in a therapist’s office, waiting to start her mandatory two months of counseling. Even though she was in the FBI building, she wasn’t with her friends. They were on the BAU’s floor and she was below them on a floor she’d barely known existed.

This was the first time in over a week that she’d put on real clothing. It was just intake, but she’d still put on a skirt suit, so she’d look professional. Showing up in the same sweatpants and Rage Against shirt she’d been wearing since she left Emily’s wouldn’t look good.

She was nervous about therapy. Even though she knew it was good, and would be good for her specifically, JJ wasn’t sure how she felt about spilling her personal life to a stranger. What if the counselor took one look at her and declared her unfit for duty? What if JJ went to every session, dug way down deep into herself, and then was declared unfit for duty?

She loved her work, even though it could be hard. Talking to families and comforting victims made her feel like she was doing some good in the world. She didn’t need to be a profiler to make a difference. She only had a few days left before she could go back into work and, as long as she didn’t fuck up too badly, the therapy would end and everything would go back to how it was before Hankel.

JJ’s phone buzzed again. She’d gotten a blurry picture of Hotch standing in front of the briefing room’s tv. A second later, she got a photo of Emily taking the picture of Hotch. Maybe she’d swing by the office after this and just say hello to everyone. She’d only seen Emily and Penelope since the case.

JJ had stayed with Emily for four days, watching movies and sleeping. It had been really restful and nice to have company while she was recovering. Once she could make it through a whole day without any help, JJ had taken Henry back home. Her apartment felt too quiet after the noise of Milly and Emily. She wished she hadn’t had to leave.

Penelope had come over a couple times in the week since. Emily had gone back to work and left on a case immediately. She’d only gotten back the day before yesterday, so it had been Penelope who kept JJ company. She didn’t mind, though. Penelope was her best friend and JJ loved her more than anything. It just felt different to Emily’s company.

Sitting back against the couch, JJ glanced at her watch. The appointment had been for 9am and it was almost 10 past now. Normally, starting her day at 9am would be sleeping in, but she’d been waking up late for the past week or so. It had been a struggle to get into DC on time, so she hoped something hadn’t happened. She didn’t want to have to come back again.

Her phone vibrated and she looked at it. It was a private message from Emily. Smiling, JJ opened it.

_Hey, just wanted to say that I’m around if you need to talk. Not to brag, but I’ve tricked plenty of therapists in my life. I can give you some tips and tricks. Anyway, don’t be worried. They’re used to seeing crazies._

_That was a joke!_

The door to the office opened and JJ jumped to her feet, still grinning from Emily’s nice message. A woman in a suit entered, lips turned up in the same professional smile that JJ schooled her face into. The therapist was a dark-skinned woman with shoulder-length hair curled into a stylish bob. She wore a dark purple suit and looked amazing.

“Hello,” she greeted, closing the door behind herself. She crossed the room to shake JJ’s hand. “I’m Dr. Tara Lewis.”

“Jennifer Jareau.” Releasing her hand, JJ smoothed the back of her skirt and sat again. “Please, call me JJ.”

Nodding, Dr. Lewis sat in the chair in front of JJ. “I will. You’re just here for intake today, is that right?”

“Yes,” JJ confirmed as Dr. Lewis pulled a notebook out of a small box beside her chair. “I have two months of counseling in all. This is my first day. Obviously.”

“Relax,” Dr. Lewis chuckled, raising her eyebrows. “I’m not here to find reasons to fire you. In fact, I won’t even be your regular counselor. I’m filling in because Dr. Gallagher had an emergency. That’s also why we started late. My apologies.”

“It’s not a problem,” JJ assured her. She clasped her hands in her lap, trying not to look too nervous. She hadn’t been to therapy before and the last time she talked to someone to make her better, it was a priest. “I’m not exactly familiar with the intake process. What do you need to know?”

Sitting back in her seat, Dr. Lewis crossed her legs and set her pad down on her lap. “Well, why don’t we start with why you’re here? Tell me about the incident.”

‘Incident’ seemed like the wrong thing to call it. JJ wasn’t sure what she’d prefer, though. ‘The torture’? ‘The trauma’? ‘The kidnapping’? None of those were right either. Incident was as good a word as any.

“I was kidnapped,” she started, knuckles tightening as she remembered the smell of the barn. “His name was Tobias Hankel, but he had two other personalities. One was his father, Charles, and one was the Archangel, Rafael. He held me for three days before my team saved me.”

“Those are the facts,” Dr. Lewis agreed, writing something down. “If you’re comfortable with it, tell me about what he did to you and what you experienced.”

JJ took a deep breath, nodding as she prepared to remember the worst things. “Um, he… gave me Dilaudid once or twice - cut with a psychedelic. He hit the bottom of my feet with a belt. He sliced open my cheek. With the belt.” She brushed a thumb over the scar. Her stitches were out, but she had a horizontal scar beneath her eye now. “I died briefly. He saved me. Tobias. I shot him.”

She just sat for a moment, staring off into the distance. He was the first person she’d ever killed, and he’d saved her life. JJ didn’t know enough about DID to know if Charles and Rafael were really different people or if it had all been Tobias. It was Tobias who had saved her, though, and Tobias who had thanked her after she shot him.

“JJ?”

Blinking, JJ returned to herself and smiled at Dr. Lewis. “Sorry! It’s still a little fresh.”

“I’m sure.” She smiled sympathetically. “Which part of what you told me made you upset?”

Licking her lips, JJ shrugged. She picked at the hem of her skirt, trying to figure out which pieces of the situation would go over best. There were so many things that she didn’t want to talk about, couldn’t talk about, and all of it was important contextually. 

“JJ,” Dr. Lewis sighed, leaning forward, “we have to talk about what’s going on in order to do a full evaluation, but I’m not trying to pry your secrets out of you. I just need to know if anything is going to trigger you in the field or hinder your ability to think clearly.” When JJ still hesitated, Dr. Lewis leaned back in her seat. “This is day one. We don’t have to go too deep.”

“Right. Ok.” JJ nodded sharply, steadying herself. “I guess I’m still processing that I killed somebody.”

Dr. Lewis made a note of that, nodding. She smiled at JJ. “He was the first person you shot in the field?”

“He was,” she confirmed. “I usually just do witness interviews, choose cases, press conferences, talk to victims and families, coordinate with local PDs. I don’t usually have to pull my gun.”

Another note went into the pad and Dr. Lewis met her eyes. “Why do you say ‘just’? Sounds like a lot of work to me.”

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Emily sighed as she unlocked the door to her apartment. Even though they didn’t end up with a case, it had been a long day. Hotch had spent hours talking them through some new procedures and Gideon had been especially grumpy about it. Between that, Reid’s constant questioning about JJ, and Penelope’s teasing, Emily was exhausted.

JJ had stopped by the bullpen after her therapy session. Emily thought she’d looked a little worn out, but she’d smiled and hugged everyone, even Spencer, and told them she was excited to be back in a few days. Emily had asked her if she wanted to get dinner together the night before she started working again, to catch her up on office gossip and she’s said yes. Emily would feel more excited about it when she wasn’t as tired.

She pushed open the door and was greeted by the sound of music playing. Milly was in the kitchen, wearing the apron Emily had bought on a whim in Prague once. She had a boombox set on the counter in the kitchen. It was playing something Emily had never heard.

Closing the door, Emily watched as Milly danced in front of the stove, stirring something that smelled amazing. The door clicked shut and Milly turned to look at her. She hurried across the kitchen to turn the music off.

“Sorry!” She came and took Emily’s bag from her, setting it on the chair under the stairs. “I thought I’d have dinner ready by the time you got home.”

She smiled nervously as she went back to cooking and Emily frowned. Something felt wrong about this. Wandering further into the apartment, she glanced around, surprised at how clean it all looked. After being gone on a case, crashing for a few hours, and then going back to work, the apartment should be at least a little bit messy. It was spotless, though.

“Hey,” Emily said slowly, turning toward Milly, “did you clean?”

“I did!” Milly replied, looking away from the pot she was stirring to nod. “I also just moved laundry over to the dryer, so you’ll have clean clothing for your go-bag.”

The realization of what was wrong hit Emily like a ton of bricks. She’d spent so much time worrying about work, and about JJ, that she’d stopped thinking about Milly. At least, she’d stopped thinking about Milly beyond worrying about her safety. Somehow, she’d let Milly take over all the chores in the apartment and become her maid.

Rubbing her hands over her face, she went to the kitchen. Milly was so self-sufficient and mature that Emily forgot she was just a kid. It was so easy to let a driver take her to and from school, let her fend for herself, or pawn her off on a coworker’s wife. Emily would not let herself become her mother.

“Milly,” Emily said, taking the spoon she was using to stir out of her hands. She turned the stove off. “Stop.”

Milly looked up at her confused. “Emily? Is something wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” she sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. “You don’t need to do chores, and you don’t need to be doing all the cooking. I shouldn’t have put all that on you.”

“You didn’t,” Milly protested. “I want to do it! You’re letting me live here, and I should earn my keep.”

Wincing, Emily quickly checked that all the burners on the stove were off. “Come on. Let’s talk.”

She led her daughter around the kitchen island and they climbed onto the stools. Emily wasn’t sure exactly how to have this conversation. It was one she wished she’d had with her mother, but by the time she was old enough to articulate what she wanted, she was also too old to have heart-to-hearts.

“Milly,” Emily started, resting an arm on the island, “I’m not ‘letting you live here’. You’re my daughter. I know it hasn’t even been a year yet, and I know you’re still adjusting to everything, but we’re family now. I’m not going to kick you out if you don’t cook me dinner, or do my laundry.” She bit her lip, trying to think of what to say. “I’m the adult here and I should be doing whatever I can to make your life easier. I didn’t adopt you to have a housekeeper.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Milly assured her, smiling. She sat with her back straight and hands clasped in her lap, the picture of a good daughter. “I don’t mind. I know your work keeps you busy.”

Emily’s stomach twisted unpleasantly as she remembered saying things like that when she was younger. She would make so many excuses for her mother until she just couldn’t anymore. One day, she realized that work and duty weren’t good enough reasons for child neglect. Emily was not going to neglect Milly, not when she’d already neglected her for 12 years.

“My work does keep me busy,” Emily agreed, “but it’s not more… You’re just as important to me as my work is.” Swallowing, Emily reached out to take Milly’s hands in her own. “You’re 12, Milly. You shouldn’t be cooking and cleaning and taking care of me. I should be doing all of that for you.”

“But you can’t cook.”

“I can learn,” Emily pointed out defensively. She raised an eyebrow at Milly’s skeptical look. “Don’t make that face. I’m an adult. I can learn to cook.”

Milly thought for a moment, her mouth twisting as she puzzled with her own feelings. It would have been funny how both of them struggled to have an honest conversation, but it made Emily feel guilty. She wondered if Milly had gotten that from her, the trait somehow engrained on their DNA.

She didn’t know what the right move here was. Milly shouldn’t grow up spoiled, with someone else doing everything for her, but she was also just a kid who’d been through a lot of shit. Emily wanted to protect her and give her a good life, but what did that mean? Even if Emily did the opposite of everything her mother did, she would mess Milly up anyway.

She also knew that there was nothing on Earth that could make her give up her job. Being a part of the BAU mattered more to her than anything. The thought made her feel terrible, and she knew that if someone put a gun to her head, she’d choose Milly, but that wasn’t the situation. Emily wanted both.

“Ok,” Milly finally said. She blinked at Emily, squeezing her hands. “I guess I’ll let you help me.”

Emily laughed at that, eyebrows shooting up at the idea that Milly would take it easy as a favor to her. “Well, good. I’m your mom now, kid. My whole deal is helping you, ok?”

Milly nodded, but she still looked unsure. She looked toward the stove. “I need to finish cooking.”

With a sigh, Emily climbed off the stool. Her talk had made her feel better, but it seemed like Milly wasn’t entirely convinced. She quickly tied her hair up into a ponytail.

“Take the apron off,” Emily ordered. Milly opened her mouth to protest, but Emily cut her off. “I’m finishing dinner. You can tell me what to do, but I’m helping.”

Grinning, Milly hopped off the stool and took the apron off. Emily put it on, frowning at the way the soft pink contrasted with her dark green blouse. It would have to do.

“It’s really easy,” Milly said, hurrying back to the stove. She turned it on and started stirring again. “I’m just making risotto.”

“Risotto?” Emily took the spoon from her and playfully bumped her with a hip until she was out of the way. “Doesn’t that have wine in it?”

Milly blushed. “I used a cup of the one that was in the fridge.”

It had been a cheap bottle that Emily had bought on the way home the day before. “It’s fine, but no more recipes with alcohol without me.”

“Ok…” Milly pouted, but she looked into the risotto. “I really was almost done. You should taste it.”

Emily did, scooping some out with a spoon. It was amazing and she hummed happily. Putting the spoon down, she winked at Milly.

“I’m a great cook,” she bragged. “Truly. It was my final stir that made this dish.”

Rolling her eyes, Milly flushed at the compliment. “Whatever,” she mumbled. “I’ll get plates.”

“No,” Emily said as she turned the stove off again. “I will get plates. You go pick something to watch.”

“Fine.”


	13. Nervous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 2x16 - Fear and Loathing

“We really didn’t have to go somewhere so nice,” JJ said before taking a sip of her wine. “I would have been fine with anything.”

Emily chuckled, looking JJ over. She looked amazing in a dark blue dress, her hair tied up in a simple bun. This was _not_ a date, but Emily might have used the dinner as an excuse to dress up and show off for JJ. She had very few excuses to break out one of her little black dresses. 

Milly had teased her about going on a date, but Emily knew that this wasn’t a date. It was just two friends going out to spend time together. She wasn’t pressuring JJ into anything and she wouldn’t consider something a date unless both parties knew. Two friends, who enjoyed each other’s company, could spend time together without it being romantic. She even let Milly stay home alone, so she couldn't stay out too late.

“I know,” Emily replied, delicately snapping a crunchy breadstick in half. “That’s why I brought you here. We’re celebrating the end of your mandatory two week vacation. I figured we’d do something different.”

JJ blushed, but she nodded and put her wine glass down. Emily could tell that she was a little nervous about going back to work. They’d talked briefly about her therapy sessions, but JJ would only tell her that it was going fine and that Dr. Lewis had decided to keep seeing her, instead of passing her off.

“So,” Emily tried, setting her broken breadstick down and shifting her attention to her actual meal, “how’s Dr. Lewis? Is she being nice to you?”

“Yes!” JJ laughed. She rolled her eyes at Emily’s protective question. “She’s very nice. I actually think you’d like her. She’s got a good sense of humor.”

Emily smirked. Of course JJ was making friends with her therapist. JJ could make friends with anybody. She was a little jealous.

“How’d you get so good at talking to people?” Emily joked, reaching for her wine. “Please teach me.”

“These skills are natural!” JJ laughed smugly. She pretended to flip her hair over her shoulder. “I can’t teach them. Besides, I can’t just _give_ my tricks away. They won’t work anymore.”

Pretty sure that JJ’s tricks would always work on her, Emily took a sip of wine. It was expensive wine, and the food was expensive, too, but she could afford it. It was worth it to see the easy smile on JJ’s face.

“Alright,” she chuckled, “keep your secrets.”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t have secrets of your own,” JJ shot back playfully. She raised a knowing eyebrow. “I saw how thin your file is, and there’s Milly, too.”

Emily’s stomach sank at the off-handed comment. She knew that JJ was just teasing her, but anyone looking into her was bad. Even just having someone recognize that there was information missing could lead to trouble. JJ seemed to recognize her mistake and reached across the table to rest a hand on Emily’s.

“Hey,” she said quietly, “I’m sorry. I would never say anything to anyone else. I know how these things go. I’m not looking into it.”

“Okay,” Emily replied stiffly, pulling her hand away. She couldn’t stop herself from throwing up her walls. “It’s fine.”

An awkward silence spread over them as they focused on eating. Emily knew that she had to say something to fix it, but her social skills were limited to talking about work or making small talk. Maybe she could make small talk. She swallowed her food and smiled at the other woman.

“So,” she tried, adopting a casual tone, “where are you from? A small town, right?”

“Pennsylvania,” JJ answered. Her shoulders relaxed slightly. “I’m from East Allegheny. It’s just outside Pittsburgh, so don’t think I’m a total hick.”

“I would never.” Emily sipped her wine, eyes wrinkling as she smiled. “Are you one of those small town _folks_ who have an accent that only comes out when they’re tired or excited?”

JJ blushed, narrowing her eyes. “Perhaps.”

“That means you do!” Emily laughed as the tension between them dissipated and she felt a lot better. “I look forward to getting you drunk and hearing it.”

“What about you?” JJ asked defiantly, stabbing a poor brussel sprout with her fork. “I’m sure you’re from a big city.”

Her childhood wasn’t Emily’s favorite thing to talk about, but JJ was looking at her with interested eyes and she didn’t want to disappoint. “I’m from DC, actually,” she answered, shrugging. “You know that my mother is an ambassador, right? We moved around a lot, so I don’t really feel like DC is my hometown.”

“Was moving around fun?”

“Not really.” Emily sighed, really wishing she could think of a polite way to change the subject. “I didn’t have a lot of friends and we never really stayed anywhere longer than a year or two. Hence why I don’t have your social skills.”

JJ smiled tightly, eating again. Emily wasn’t sure if she’d said something too maudlin, or if JJ was just trying to finish her dinner. Either way, the same tense silence as before settled over them. She wondered if JJ would talk about cases over dinner or if that would make things worse.

“What do you do for fun?” JJ asked her suddenly, picking up her glass of wine again. She finished it with a slight toss of her head. “Hobbies, guilty pleasures, etc. I saw that you have a lot of books in your room.”

Picking up the bottle of wine, Emily refilled her glass. “I’m a big reader, definitely. I don’t really watch television, but I love watching foreign films.”

“You should mention that to Dr. Reid.” JJ smirked, nodding in thanks to Emily and taking her glass back. “Well, mention it if you want to answer a barrage of questions and then have to watch every movie ever made with him.”

“I’m not totally opposed,” Emily said, refilling her own glass, too. “He and I have bonded a little bit, I think. He’s kind of got a thing for you.”

JJ rolled her eyes. “We went to a Redskins game once, and I even brought Penelope along. I don’t even like the Redskins! I’m a Steelers girl. I mean, come on!”

Emily nodded along sympathetically, not really sure who the Steelers were. She assumed they were a sports team. Still, JJ was grinning and it was infectious. Emily smiled back.

“Yeah, I don’t think he knows the difference,” Emily said, shrugging. “Besides, I don’t think you can blame him. I’m pretty sure everyone has a crush on you.”

“Do you?”

The question was accompanied by a fluttering of lashes and Emily’s breath caught in her throat. Of course, the answer was ‘yes,’ but was JJ just joking? The question reminded her of high school, and she wondered if JJ would laugh at her like all those pretty girls did.

“Perhaps,” Emily answered enigmatically. “I did say ‘everyone’.”

“Good,” JJ sighed, toasting her glass. “That means I can probably convince you to pay, right?”

A surprised laugh burst from Emily, and they got several dirty looks from the patrons around them. She couldn’t bring herself to care. JJ was giggling, leaning in close. It made Emily lean forward, too, and the two of them shared a private moment, lost in their laughter and each other’s eyes.

“That was good,” Emily breathed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “And yes, I am paying. Don’t worry. I would never make a lady pay.”

JJ’s eyelashes fluttered again, but this time, she blushed, too. Apparently, she didn’t expect Emily to flirt back. It was nice to know that Emily had some power here, too. She wasn’t the only one affected by the wine, the mood lighting, and a woman in a nice dress.

“Anyway,” JJ sighed happily, looking at Emily over the rim of her glass. “We were talking about hobbies. What’s your favorite book? Or series?”

“I really like the Dragonriders of Pern series,” Emily admitted, flushing. “I know that’s nerdy.”

“I haven’t heard of it.” JJ rested an elbow on the table and dropped her chin onto her hand. “What’s it about?”

Spurred on by JJ’s interest, Emily grinned. “Okay, so, it’s set on the planet of Pern in the Rukbat system. Humans have colonized it. It’s technically set in the future, because space travel, obviously, but we’ve lost a lot of our technology because of the Thread.” Emily took a moment to take a breath and launched back into the explanation. “The Thread is like this poison rain that destroys everything and, since the Pernese are an agricultural society, you can imagine how bad that is. So, they have people who ride dragons - that’s why it’s called Dragonriders of Pern - and they have a telepathic connection and they work together to fight the Thread. It happens four times a year, so it's very important. The whole series covers about 2500 years of Pernese history. It’s amazing!”

She paused for breath and realized that she was rambling. JJ had a small smile on her face, but she looked lost in thought. Her flushed cheeks and dazed look made embarrassment flood Emily, turning her face a dark red and making her sit up straight. 

Emily had done it again. She’d gotten caught up in her excitement and just talked too much about something that no one else cared about. JJ was going to think she was a huge loser now. No woman as cool and beautiful as JJ cared about some science fiction series from the 1960s.

Weakly, Emily added, “The author is a woman.”

“Wow,” JJ said, smiling. “Sounds cool.”

“Do you like reading?” Emily asked her, trying to deflect attention away from herself.

JJ sucked in a breath, straightening up and shaking her head. “Not really. I mean, I’ll read, but I’m more of a movie person. I like playing sports, or exercising.”

Great. Not only had Emily embarrassed herself by oversharing and getting too enthusiastic, but she did it in front of a woman who was ten times cooler than she was. JJ would never think of her romantically now. What could Emily possibly say that would help her recover?

“Oh, sports?” she repeated stupidly. “Like what?”

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Emily gasped as she spilled coffee on herself and the counter. After a restless night, she was exhausted and that made her clumsy. Trying to make herself a cup of coffee in the bullpen’s kitchen had seemed like the right move, but now she was grabbing napkins to try and clean up her mess. To make matters worse, Derek showed up to refill his own cup, chuckling at her clumsiness.

“Good morning, Emily,” he greeted, stopping beside her and grabbing the carafe. “Have a good weekend?”

She flashed him a tight smile and kept cleaning up. “Yeah.” Thinking about it, she changed her answer. “No.” Well, she didn’t want him to ask about it, so she changed it again. “Yes.”

He grinned. “Oh, I’ve been there.”

“No, it wasn’t…” Chuckling nervously as she cleaned up the last of the coffee, she decided to cut her losses. “Ugh, I don’t want to get into it.”

“No problem.”

He said it easily and casually, but it made her feel guilty that she wasn’t opening up to him. She opened up to JJ, didn’t she? At least with one secret. She just didn’t know Derek that well. She could tell him  _ that  _ at least.

“It just feels weird for me to talk about my personal life here. I don’t really know you guys that well yet.”

“I totally get that.”

His casual dismissal made her feel even worse. He was a nice guy and he’d probably be happy to listen to her. She couldn’t tell him about her crush on JJ, though. That was worse than saying nothing at all.

He started to walk away and she licked her lips, trying to choose one way or the other. She’d have to trust him eventually, right? Maybe something small like this could be a test? Without mentioning JJ, of course.

“I think I totally screwed up this date,” she called after him, stopping him in his tracks. When he turned around, surprised, she smiled nervously. “I mean, it wasn’t a date, but it… could have led to a date, you know?”

“Ok,” he chuckled, coming back to her. “What happened?”

“You have to understand,” she started, “I’m a nerd.” He laughed, prompting her to chuckle. “Like, seriously! And I can fool people for days - weeks, even, but sooner or later, I blow my cover and I say something  _ so  _ geeky and then… They don’t respond, and I lose all confidence.”

He just shook his head at her rambling. “Well, what did you say?”

Even though she was sure that he wouldn’t get it, she sighed and said, “Dragonriders.”

“Of Pern?” he asked, nodding. “Anne McCaffrey. Classic.”

Her mouth dropped open and she gasped, totally shocked that he’d know about Pern. “Are you for real? No way! You know Pern?”

He thought for a moment. “What was it? ‘There’s nothing wrong with doubting…’”

“‘Sometimes it leads to greater faith’! Yes!” She just laughed and stared at him. “That’s so crazy. Which book is your favorite?”

“Probably  _ Dragonsong _ ,” he answered. “And you?”

“The same! Wow, I’m so surprised. This is great!”

Derek lifted his mug and Emily quickly tapped hers against it. They grinned at each other. It made Emily breathe a little bit easier to know that Derek was someone she could talk to, even if it was just surface level right now. He’d been willing to leave it alone, and willing to talk. That was a good quality in a teammate.

“Anyway,” he said, giving her a pointed look, “if this person doesn’t like listening to you talk about something you like, then they aren’t worth it. Someone worth dating will take an interest in  _ your  _ interests.”

Blushing, Emily nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Yeah. I appreciate that.”

Hotch appeared beside them. “Conference room in 5 minutes, please.”

“You got it.”

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

From her seat on the table, JJ waited for the team to come into the conference room. It was her first day back after two weeks and she was a little bit nervous. Before Hankel, she’d been working nonstop, ruthlessly pushing herself to keep going and never slow down. Now, she’d not only slowed down, but come to a full stop. She just hoped it wouldn’t be hard to get going again.

JJ had always had trouble focusing on work and the brutal pace of the Media Liaison position was perfect for her. She  _ had  _ to focus on her work or everything would become too overwhelming. It was a constant series of phone calls, meetings, and endless paperwork. She didn’t have time to get distracted if she just kept going.

It was harder than she’d like to pick up speed again. She’d spent the whole weekend reading cases and catching up on what she’d missed, but it had taken a lot of caffeine to get through it all. Her dinner with Emily had been a nice distraction, though. 

Neatly stacking the files she was going to give to the team, JJ thought about their dinner together. Emily had taken her somewhere really nice, and probably very expensive. It was a good excuse to dress up and JJ had been glad to get out of her apartment. Henry was good company, but he wasn’t Emily.

The dinner had been a lot of fun. Emily was a little bit awkward and JJ had been really nervous, but it was the first time they’d gone out together, so it was understandable. They didn’t have to resort to work talk and that was a good sign in JJ’s book. She’d even gotten to see Emily babble about a special interest. It had been adorable.

JJ was a little sad that she’d never heard of the book series. If she had, she would have been more than happy to talk to Emily about it. Maybe she could ask Spencer if he had the books, so she could borrow them.

Was that too much? That’s the kind of thing she’d usually do for a guy she liked. She didn’t like Emily like that, right? JJ still wasn’t sure how she felt about her recovered memories and if  _ those feelings  _ were something she still felt. It was really confusing and the only thing she knew for sure was that she liked spending time with Emily.

Laughter drifted in through the open door and JJ looked up to see Emily and Derek coming into the room. She smiled instinctively, ready to be professional and polite. Emily hadn’t mentioned whether they were going to tell the team how much time they’d spent together or not. She might want to keep that to themselves. Not that there was any real reason to hide.

“Welcome back,” Derek greeted her with a grin. “I have missed you and your impeccable organization system. Hotch has nothing on you.”

“No one does,” JJ joked back, sliding off the table and holding her arms out. He caught her in a big bear hug and lifted her off her feet. “Oh, careful. I’m still healing.”

He set her down quickly, looking her over. “My bad. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Just don’t squeeze too hard.”

She smiled at Emily, not sure what to say. Emily just walked around the table and set her cup down. She dropped into a chair, grinning up at the both of them.

“I didn’t put all that work into taking care of her for you to break her now,” Emily told Derek. She crossed her arms on the table. “Sit down before you hurt someone.”

He rolled his eyes, but he sat down beside her. Looking at Emily, JJ smiled softly. She wanted to thank her for not pretending like they hadn’t gotten closer, but how do you say something like that without sounding overly sentimental? Besides, it almost felt like if she said it out loud, she’d be giving it too much power. They were just friends. Emily was just helping out a teammate.

“JJ!” Spencer cheered, coming into the room. “Hello!”

JJ’s stomach twisted at his voice, reminding her of the incident and filling her with emotion. She looked away from Emily before the other woman could see it in her eyes. With a smile, the same one she’d perfected years ago, she greeted Spencer.

“Hey, Reid,” she chuckled, holding her arms out again. They hugged carefully. “Good to see you.”

“How was your break?” he asked as he ducked under the strap of his messenger bag and set it on the table. “Restful, I hope.”

She nodded, watching him sit. “It was. I just hung around, really. I’m excited to get back to work and launch into things again.”

“I bet you were going stir crazy,” Derek laughed. “I would if I was stuck at home for two weeks.”

Emily punched his arm. “Are you trying to say I’m bad company? JJ, tell them we had a grand old time.”

With a chuckle, she nodded, sitting on the table again. “We had a lot of fun, yes. Emily finally met Henry.”

“Henry!” Spencer repeated with a gasp. “I miss him! We need to have a tortoise party soon.”

“Um,” Emily leaned forward, squinting at him across the table. “I’m sorry. Did you say a ‘tortoise party’?”

“It’s stupid,” JJ told her, blushing. “I have a small circular playpen that we fill with greens and we watch movies and drink and Henry gets to watch, too.”

A wide smile spread across Emily’s face, and JJ couldn’t stop herself from smiling back. It was so easy to feel happy when Emily was happy. JJ’s blush deepened and she cleared her throat. The sound seemed to throw Emily off and suddenly, she was blushing, too. Emily tucked her hair behind her ear and looked away.

“Welcome back,” Hotch said, entering the conference room. Gideon trailed behind him. “Are you ready to give the briefing?”

“Yes!” JJ pulled herself together and began to pass out the files. “I’m ready.”

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Settling back into her seat across from Derek, JJ put her headphones in. The flight back from Connecticut wasn’t long, but it was late and everyone was tired. She searched through her ipod for what she wanted to listen to, but a book landed on the table in front of her.

“Oh, whoops.”

Looking up, she saw Emily smile at Derek and gesture at the book. JJ leaned forward to look at it. The cover art was beautiful, with a red-headed woman playing a harp in front of the ocean. It was the series Emily had been talking about.

“You found it?” Derek asked, laughing.

“Yeah, the airport had it. Isn’t that crazy?” Emily slid it to him. “Keep it.  _ Dragonsong  _ is a great place to start. I’ve got a copy in French at home.”

JJ sighed heavily, pinching her nose. “Damn it.”

Moving quickly, Emily sat in the chair beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. “Are you ok? JJ, what’s wrong?”

“No, it’s nothing.” She took her headphones out and pouted at Emily. “I thought  _ Dragonflight  _ was the first book in the series. I should have bought  _ Dragonsong _ .”

“What?” Emily blinked at her. “You… bought  _ Dragonflight _ ? Why?”

JJ shrugged, suddenly finding herself caught in the spotlight of Emily’s intense gaze. “Well, you really like it, so I thought I should give it a try. I mean, the way you told me about it made it seem really cool.”

Emily’s cheeks turned a dark red. Laughing, Derek snatched his book up and gave them both a mock salute before heading toward the back of the plane. JJ watched him go, frowning after him. Was he making fun of them? Why was Emily blushing?

“Um,” Emily stuttered, tucking her hair behind her ear, “ _ Dragonflight  _ is a good place to start, too. The whole series is made up of smaller series, so as long as you do the first book in that set, you’re fine.  _ Dragonflight  _ is first in the original trilogy.”

“Oh, good,” JJ sighed, smiling. “I was worried there for a second.”

Emily started to leave, but hesitated and turned back to her. “You really got the book just because I like it?”

“Yes?” Suddenly, JJ wondered if she’d made a mistake. “Is that ok? I don’t want to step on your toes.”

“No! It’s great!” Emily took a deep breath, looking away. “It’s, uh… It’s really nice. Of you. To do that. You don’t have to read them.”

Resting her hand on Emily’s arm, JJ pulled her attention back. “I bought the audiobook, so  _ technically  _ I’m listening to them. Oh! Do you want to listen with me?” She took an earbud out and offered it to Emily. “I was just about to start.”

“Yeah,” Emily breathed, taking it and putting it into her ear. “Thanks.”

JJ settled into the seat, leaning against the arm, so their shoulders were touching. She dropped her head onto Emily’s shoulder. After a moment, an arm wrapped around her holding her close.


	14. Wishful Thinking

“So, how was your first week back? We missed last weeks’ appointment because of your case.”

“I know,” JJ sighed, crossing her legs delicately. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it won’t be the last time.”

Dr. Lewis just smiled at her, notepad and pen resting on her lap. “I’m sure! I’ve heard about the unit. I’d love to consult.”

With a grin, JJ reached into her purse to pull out her own notepad and pen. “Let me make a note of that. I’m sure I’ll find something. We don’t use consultants often, but you never know!”

“Well,” Dr. Lewis chuckled, “as much as I appreciate that…” She raised an eyebrow as JJ made her note. “I asked how your first week went.”

Blushing, JJ tucked her notepad away. “Sorry,” she apologized with a tight smile, “I got distracted. I think it went well! It was… a lot honestly.”

Dr. Lewis smiled at the admission. “In what ways? Personal, or professional?”

JJ tried to think about her answer and how much she wanted to share. It had been a weird week. Between getting back in the rhythm of casework and working through her complicated feelings toward Reid and Emily, JJ was exhausted. 

She had expected it to be difficult to get back into her working rhythm, but it was harder than she thought it would be. She’d never noticed how busy she kept herself. She knew that she worked a lot, but it felt overwhelming to go from 0 to 60 so quickly. Emily had been very helpful, but JJ’s indecipherable feelings were keeping her from letting Emily really help her.

“So, those thoughts racing through your head right now?” Dr. Lewis chuckled. She fixed JJ with an amused stare. “Those are the thoughts I’d like to hear.”

“Right.” JJ blushed and adjusted herself on the couch. “I guess… I’m realizing just how much work I do.”

“Oh?”

Nodding, JJ uncrossed her legs. “Yeah. I knew that I had a heavy workload before, but I was in the middle of it and I didn’t really notice. I’m not upset that I do so much work - I actually like it - but it’s been hard to get up to speed.”

Dr. Lewis smiled as she jotted down some notes. “I think that’s understandable. You took two weeks off and then left for a case immediately. We talked the last time about your workload. You didn’t think it was a lot then.”

“I forgot how much it all is,” JJ admitted, shrugging. “Just the paperwork took me a long time to catch up on, then coordinating the hotel, talking to the local officers so they know what we expect, arranging for victim and family interviews… I just felt like I was behind the whole time.”

“Your team didn’t help you?”

JJ smiled, remembering how Derek had offered to carry all of her bags and folders. Despite her reservations, she’d let Reid talk to her about the local culture. Emily had been right beside her the entire time, practically holding her hand. Between her support and Penelope’s, JJ had been fine.

“They did.” She crossed her legs again, sighing. “They were great. I guess I wasn’t  _ actually  _ behind. It just felt that way.”

Dr. Lewis nodded as she wrote. JJ wished she could see what she was writing down. Was it something that was going to help or hinder her assessment? She just wanted to know how she was doing.

“Ok,” Dr. Lewis said, turning her professional smile back on JJ, “so, other than the paperwork, what did you notice?”

“What do you mean?”

With a sigh, Dr. Lewis flicked a loose hair out of her face. “Well… Did your interactions feel different?” She nodded with purpose. “Tell me what you noticed about your interactions. How was it to talk to victims and families again? The locals? The press?”

JJ chuckled humorlessly and rolled her eyes. “I didn’t miss being talked down to. No one is usually too rude, unless they’re emotional, but the press and local police love to talk to me like I’m a child. It didn’t feel any different. I noticed that.”

“Good,” Dr. Lewis said. She shrugged. “Any theories on why they do that?”

“Because I’m pretty?” JJ blushed, covering her mouth. “Oh my god. That’s so conceited. I’m so sorry.”

Dr. Lewis laughed at her embarrassment, waving a dismissive hand. “Don’t be sorry. It’s true! You think your looks make people think less of you?”

“Um,” JJ laughed, relaxing a little bit, “I think so, yeah.” She lowered her hand, dropping it into her lap. “It’s just easy to dismiss me. I do my best to look professional, but at the end of the day… I’m a blonde woman in a very masculine profession and people just… I don’t know. They don’t like to listen. Half the time, Hotch or Morgan or Gideon have to repeat what I’m saying.”

“That must be frustrating.”

“It is!” JJ took a deep breath and swept her hair out of her face. “It just wastes so much time. I wish… I wish I wasn’t so feminine, you know?” She huffed, knowing that it sounded stupid to want to be something other than she was. “Sometimes… Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t a girl at all. Which is stupid, because I  _ am  _ a girl, but it’s such a waste of time.”

Dr. Lewis’ face stayed carefully neutral. “What do you mean by ‘a waste of time’?”

“I spend so much time doing my make-up, and choosing outfits that are nice and feminine and polite - can outfits be polite?” JJ didn’t wait for an answer. “I don’t know. I just… Things would go faster if I wasn’t this pretty, blonde woman who has to smile and nod and wait for someone to listen to her.”

“What would you be instead?”

JJ thought for a moment, her heart racing. She wasn’t sure what it was about the question that made her nervous and excited, but it wasn’t anything she’d asked herself before. What would she be if she wasn’t a girl?

“I don’t know,” was the honest answer. “I haven’t thought about it before.”

“Well, you don’t have to rush into anything.” Dr. Lewis smiled as she made a few notes. “Alright. Let’s change the subject. Tell me about this case.”

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Saturday morning brought an impromptu cooking class. Milly had woken up asking for breakfast and Emily, determined to be a good parental figure, had tried to make breakfast. She’d tried to make pancakes from scratch. It was only a few ingredients; how hard could it be?

Too hard, was the unfortunate answer. She’d followed the recipe, but then she’d gotten distracted texting JJ and added too much salt. Then, she’d discovered she didn’t have any flour left. After sadly conveying this to Milly, Emily had picked up her phone to order something from the French place down the street when an idea had occurred to her.

So, she and Milly had gone on a trip, stopping at various stores before picking JJ up from her apartment in Alexandria. They’d explained their plan. JJ was going to teach them how to make biscuits and the Emily Prentisses would build Henry an enclosure under the stairs. 

That was how Emily found herself sitting beside Milly at the kitchen island while JJ demonstrated how to make her mother’s “famous” buttermilk biscuits. JJ was kneading the dough, Milly was keeping Henry in the circle of her arms, and Emily was listening with amusement as they talked about soccer.

“I missed tryouts this year, but I could try out next year,” Milly said enthusiastically. She turned to blink wide eyes at Emily. “Can I go to a soccer summer camp to be ready?”

“Sure,” Emily answered, shrugging. “That’s fine. Do you want a day camp or a sleepaway camp?”

JJ hummed, getting their attention. “Sleepaway camp, definitely. I made some great friends at soccer camp.”

“Alright.” Emily bumped her shoulder into Milly. “Sleepaway camp it is. You good with that?”

“Yes!” Milly squealed and picked Henry up, grinning at him. “Maybe I’ll meet a wild tortoise.”

Emily and JJ laughed, sharing an amused look. It was nice to spend time together like this again. After Emily started working again, they hadn’t had much time to hang out, and it had only gotten harder when JJ started working, too. It had been almost a month since Hankel and JJ seemed to be back in the swing of things.

It was odd to have someone in her life that she wanted to spend so much time with. Other than Milly, Emily hadn’t had someone close to her in a long time. If she didn’t count Doyle, who she did her best not to think about, then she probably hadn’t had a best friend in almost a decade. That was a depressing thought.

“Eyes here, please,” JJ said, smiling. She waited until she had everyone’s attention before picking up a handful of flour and dusting it over her dough. “This is so it doesn’t stick to the rolling pin. Now we roll it out. We want it about ¾ of an inch thick.”

“It rises, right?” Milly asked, leaning forward. “In the oven?”

“Yup,” JJ answers easily. She rolled out the dough with practiced motions. “They’ll end up about two inches tall with a lot of layers.”

Silence fell over the kitchen as JJ worked. Emily was incredibly grateful that she was willing to drop her work to do something as silly as make biscuits. Milly had won JJ over as easily as she’d won Emily over. JJ had won Milly over easily, too. Emily wondered if JJ was just meant to be friends with people named Emily Prentiss.

That was a cheesy thought, and Emily blushed, hiding her face in her mug of coffee. Having a crush on a friend made her feel like a teenager again. Why was her daughter, an actual middle schooler, cooler than she was? It just wasn’t fair.

“Can I ask a serious question?” Milly asked quietly, tracing patterns in the flour on the counter with one hand and holding Henry with the other. “You can say no.”

“Who are you asking?” Emily replied, reaching out to tuck a black curl behind Milly’s ear. She looked at JJ, who nodded. “It’s a yes from both of us either way.”

Milly sighed and glanced up at JJ. “Are you still protecting Emily in the field?”

“Of course,” JJ said reflexively, hand slowing as she set the rolling pin aside. “Of course, I am.”

“It’s just that you were really hurt when you said you would,” Milly told her, eyes narrowing. “I wasn’t sure if you remembered.”

“I remember.” JJ stretched over her dough to take Milly’s hands in her flour-covered ones. “Emily and I have each other’s backs. I haven’t been worried at all. She’s taking good care of me, and I’m taking care of her.” She looked at Emily, blinking her baby blue eyes. “Isn’t that right?”

Emily nodded, taking a deep breath. She felt caught off-guard by JJ’s piercing stare. Still, she knew she had to answer Milly’s question and assure her that everything was ok.

“We’re fine, Milly.” Emily smiled at her. “I promise. We’re a team.”

“Good.” Milly grinned like she’d never gotten serious at all. “Can I help cut the biscuits?”

After cutting the biscuits, JJ slid them into the oven and set a timer on the stovetop. They decided to go ahead and build Henry’s enclosure while the biscuits were backing, so they could put him away when it was time to eat. Emily pulled the chair she kept under the stairs out of the way to make room for Henry’s new temporary home.

JJ, it turned out, was incredibly handy. She assembled the enclosure herself, with Milly and Emily just watching. A wooden fence closed off the small space, a heat lamp was plugged in and set in the corner, and a bed of sand and leaves were strewn across the floor. A small part of Emily disliked the idea of loose sand in the apartment, but at least it was contained.

When the timer beeped, Emily went to pull the biscuits out and left the two tortoise lovers to their work. She opened the oven and was met with the smell of perfect buttered biscuits. It smelled like a home she never had. Rolling her eyes at herself, she slipped on her oven mitts and took the two trays out, setting them on the stovetop.

She closed the oven, tossed the mitts aside, and turned the oven off. The biscuits smelled so good, but she knew if she took a bite, she’d never hear the end of it. To distract herself, she wandered over to the island and leaned against it, so she could watch Milly and JJ work.

Milly set Henry into his new temporary home while JJ watched closely. Emily wasn’t sure how she felt about building Henry an enclosure in her apartment. It wasn’t an inconvenience, and she had the money to spare on supplies. It just felt like a commitment. She was committing to having JJ over enough to make it worth it. She was committing to sticking around.

Emily couldn’t stop thinking about having two people in her life that she was attached to. Milly had been in her life for almost a year, and she’d known JJ for over four months now. Emily didn’t know how she felt about being close to someone, much less two people.

How long would it take for them to realize that she was a fraud? That she wasn’t a real person? Emily still felt like a quickly constructed enclosure. She was the framework of a person, all of the necessary parts, but none of the depth. Emily had too many secrets to really be open with someone else, but for the first time, in a long time, she found that she wanted to try.

How did one even begin to begin? Emily didn’t know the answer to that question. Maybe she’d already started her life. Maybe it was enough for now to commit to being someone’s friend and someone’s mother. She was still learning what those things meant, but at least she was trying.

The day passed quickly, filled with biscuits and television and an early dinner. Emily made spaghetti. It wasn’t  _ great,  _ but it was good and the sauce was made from scratch, which was impressive enough. JJ and Milly had happily eaten it. It made Emily happy to see them enjoy her food. It was definitely motivation to keep trying.

When the sun began to set, Emily grabbed her keys and her coat while JJ gathered her things. The media liaison still had some work to do and there was no reason for her to sleep over, so Emily would drive her home. Before they left, Milly hugged JJ, placed a kiss on Henry’s head, and put him back into his travel bin.

“I’ll miss you,” she told him as JJ and Emily left the apartment. “Bye, Henry. And JJ!”

The door closed behind them and JJ laughed, following Emily to the elevator. “I think she only tolerates me because I bring Henry along.”

“No,” Emily assured her, “she also likes your biscuits.”

JJ purposely bumped into Emily, sending her stumbling away as they reached the elevator. She grinned at the dark-haired woman before walking into the small space. Emily followed after and hit the button to the parking garage.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

JJ climbed out of the car, closing the passenger door and moving to the backseat to get Henry. Emily watched her as she shut that door and walked around the side of the car. She stopped beside the driver’s window and Emily lowered it.

“Thanks for the ride,” JJ said, smiling, “and the invitation to hang out.”

Resting her arms on the lowered window, Emily leaned out of the car to stare down at Henry. “Yeah. It was fun. It was a good way to spend our day off.”

“Oh, I forgot to mention that I’m almost done with  _ Dragonflight _ .” She adjusted her grip on the plastic pin. “I’ll have that book report ready tomorrow.”

“I’m such a taskmaster, huh?” Emily grinned at her. “I’ll find you  _ Dragonquest _ . It’s really good.”

JJ hesitated for a second before pushing herself up onto her toes and kissing Emily’s cheek. Dropping back down, she smiled, cheeks flushed. Slowly stepping backward toward her building, JJ shrugged a shoulder.

“Goodnight, Emily.”

Emily touched her cheek as JJ turned around, still feeling her lips. She shouldn’t be so affected by a simple kiss on the cheek, but her heart was racing. Leaning back into the car, she closed the window and grinned to herself. 

Putting the car in drive, Emily began the drive home again. She didn’t feel bad about leaving Milly alone like that, but she didn’t want to be gone too long either. She was pretty sure her dopey grin was going to last for the entire drive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like these non-episode-based chapters? After this we start fitting in with the show timeline, but do you like these little chapters that are more about character growth and stuff? Lemme know. This re-write thing is new to me lmao


	15. I Will Be Okay

Emily rolled to a stop at a red light, tapping her thumbs on the steering wheel. She and Spencer had just finished talking to the woman who ran a homeless shelter in the area. She was really excited to get back to Austin’s 5th Ward’s police station, because they’d had to leave before she’d gotten a homemade cookie. One day, she’d learn how to make cookies.

Glancing at Spencer in the passenger seat, Emily saw that he was staring out the window, chin propped up on his fist. The light turned green and she started moving again. Reid had been a little aggressive with the poor woman at the shelter, scaring her into suspecting every man who entered. Thankfully, he’d realized his mistake and managed to soothe her again.

He’d been tense since the Hankel case and Emily couldn’t blame him. If things had been different, he would have been the one taken. Spencer wasn’t as strong as JJ was; it all could have ended very badly. She sighed and reached over to tap his forehead.

“What’s going on in that big brain of yours, kid?”

He jumped at the touch and swatted her finger away. “What?”

“You almost yelled at that woman,” she pointed out, “and don’t think I haven’t noticed how awkward it’s been around JJ.”

“Oh,” he mumbled. Swiping his hair out of his face, he shrugged, face twisted into his usual nervous smile. “I don’t know. It’s just weird. I think she hates me.”

Emily shook her head immediately. “She doesn’t. It’s probably just hard to think about what happened, but I doubt she hates you. Have you tried talking to her?”

He nodded. “I talked to her on the plane.”

“Right after we found her?” She scoffed, making a right at a stop sign. “Spencer, that doesn’t count. She was dealing with a lot. It’s been almost two months since then. I’m sure she’d listen now.”

“You think so?”

She patted his knee. “Yeah, kid. Just… try to pick a good time, huh?”

Smiling, he shifted in his seat so he could look at her. “What about you?”

“Me?” Emily glanced at him. “What about me?”

“You and JJ seem friendly.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “Really friendly.”

Softly punching his arm, she rolled her eyes. “What are you, 12? Yes, we’re friends. That’s it.”

“Do you still have a crush on her?”

“Do you?” she shot back. They reached the police station and she turned into the parking lot. “Glass houses, my friend.”

He punched her arm, barely hurting her at all. “It’s not the same, Emily. Don’t you guys hang out outside of work? You don’t hang out with me.”

Her heart clenched at his words. The only reason she spent time with JJ was because she’d spilled her secret. JJ knew about Milly and that meant it was safe for her to come over. Emily couldn’t tell Reid about Milly and she couldn’t just leave Milly at home alone all the time to go out with the team. She would love to hang out with Reid outside of work, and Morgan, but it was difficult to manage it all.

“I’m sorry,” Emily apologized. “I’ll try and make some time for us. We can watch something you want to see.”

“It’s fine,” Reid shrugged, mouth twisting. “You don’t have to. I know that foreign films can be boring.”

Emily put the car in park, taking off her seatbelt and turning to look at Reid. “Foreign films? Like what?”

Hesitating, he blinked at her, looking for something in her face. He must have found it because he took his seatbelt off and turned to face her, too. “I’ve been wanting to watch  _ L’Atalante  _ for a while…”

“You haven’t seen  _ L’Atalante _ ?” Emily gasped. “Reid! It’s so good. We’ll make time to watch it. I promise.”

She grinned at him, feeling better when he grinned back. Emily knew all about liking things that other people thought were weird. It had been most of her life. If Reid wanted to watch old foreign films, then Emily was more than willing to watch with him. Laughing, she patted his knee.

“Come on, let’s see if the team left any cookies for us.”

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Emily gently ran a hand over Maria’s back, trying to soothe her. The young girl had come into the station with her father, screaming for help. Thankfully, her father’s injuries seemed to be minor and she hadn’t gotten hurt at all. Once JJ had taken the father to a different room, Emily and Hotch sat with Maria.

It must have been terrifying to see her father attacked like that. Emily could only imagine how bad it was. She could only be thankful that Maria made it out ok and that she had more family coming for her.

Emily couldn’t help but compare Maria to Milly. They were so different, but Emily knew that Milly would have handled this situation just as well. She remembered the conversation a week prior when Milly asked JJ if she was still protecting her. Emily didn’t know how Milly would handle another adult in her life getting her. It made Emily’s stomach twist unpleasantly to think about. She focused on Maria instead.

“Maria,” Emily said softly, “ _ esta bien. Tu Abuela viene.” _

Maria swallowed hard. “Is my papa going to be ok?”

“Yes,” Hotch answered before Emily could. He gave Emily a sharp glare, as if she would try and say something else. “He’ll be fine.”

Tearing her eyes away from Hotch, Emily brushed a stray hair from Maria’s face. “Maria, could you answer a few questions for us?” She waited for Maria to look at her. “It would really help us find the bad guy.” Maria nodded. “Did he say anything to your papa?”

“No.”

Hotch spoke up again. “What were you and your papa doing before the bad guy came?”

“Papa took out the garbage,” Maria answered, looking between both agents, “and then he jumped out and he hit my papa. I was screaming at him. I thought he was going to hit me, too, but then he stopped and...he looked at me funny.”

That stuck out to Emily. ‘Funny’ could mean a lot of things. They needed something a little more specific than that.

“What do you mean by ‘funny’?”

Maria frowned, picking at her fingernails. “He looked...sad.” Her head tilted. “He did say something, but not to my papa. To me.”

“What was it?”

“He said…” Maria turned wide, scared eyes on Emily. “He said ‘are you ok? Why are you crying?’ and then we ran.”

“Maria,” Hotch said, pulling her attention away from Emily again, “what you did was very brave. Can you help us with one more thing? Can you tell us what the man looked like?”

Emily clenched her jaw, doing her best not to say anything. She could have done this interview without Hotch. Why was he interrupting all her attempts to build a rapport? Maria didn’t need two adults asking her a bunch of questions.

“He was white,” Maria answered, “and tall and dirty.” She pointed to Hotch’s hand. “He had a ring like yours.”

Hotch lifted his hand, showing off his wedding ring. “Like that?”

“I remember his ring.”

“Thank you.”

Maria was distracted by movement at the entrance and she leapt to her feet. “Abuela!”

She ran away from them, into the arms of her abuela. Emily followed at a normal pace to greet the older woman. They had gotten all they could from Maria and Emily could imagine how much the family just wanted to get home. She told them to leave and went back to Hotch.

“What was that?” Emily demanded, crossing her arms. “I could have handled that.”

Hotch just shrugged. “I wanted to help. So, I did.”

She grit her teeth, knowing that she had no argument against that. It still felt shitty, and she hated that he felt the need to supervise her, but she couldn’t say anything that would sound rational. Rolling her eyes, she started to walk away, but Hotch caught her arm.

“We need to talk.”

She glared at him. “Right now?”

“Milly has been talking about JJ a lot,” he told her, pulling her further into the corner. “I’m worried that she’s getting attached.”

“She likes JJ,” Emily answered, dropping into a seat. “JJ has a turtle and Milly’s obsessed.”

Hotch smiled at that. “Henry is a tortoise.”

“Whatever.” Slumping back in her seat, she held her hands out. “What’s your point, Hotch? Is Haley getting annoyed, or something?”

“No,” he answered, the smile slipping from his face. He crossed his arms, staring down at her. “You should be careful about letting Milly form attachments. What would happen if you and JJ had a falling out? Milly would be hurt by that. What if you left the team and moved?”

“I don’t intend to fall out with JJ,” Emily told him, back straightening. “I, also, don’t intend to move away. Are you warning me that my job is in danger?”

Sighing heavily, he rubbed his forehead. “No. I’m just- Attachments are difficult. Milly’s had a hard time and she doesn’t need to lose anyone else. You can only lose so many people before you stop trying to make connections.”

Emily’s stomach dropped. His advice about Milly suddenly felt applicable to herself. How many people had she lost? Had their loss affected her like that? Was that why she was struggling to bond with the team? She didn’t want to lose anyone else and if she just kept them at a distance, then she wouldn’t be hurt when she lost them.

And what about JJ? Why was she an exception? Why was she the one person that Emily was clinging to? Maybe that was all a mistake. Emily was already too close for comfort. She would be hurt if JJ was suddenly gone from her life. She shouldn’t have gotten that close.

His words made sense unfortunately. Milly  _ was  _ attached to JJ, but she was even more attached to Emily. There wasn’t much she could do about that. She just had to do her best to stay safe, and make sure that Milly would be ok when she was gone.

“Could you help me make a will?” Emily asked him, knowing that her question may seem random. “I didn’t need one before, but I should have one now.”

Hotch frowned at her, but he nodded slowly. “Of course. We’ll do it soon.”

“Thank you.”

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JJ adjusted her dark blue blanket, settling deeper into her seat on the plane. She and Emily were sitting in one corner, their chairs facing each other. The rest of the team was scattered around, a few napping and a few working. She leaned her head against the plane window and looked Emily over.

The other woman was staring at the floor, picking her nails nervously. She’d changed into sweatpants and a comfortable t-shirt before they got on the plane, but she still looked incredibly tense. JJ wondered what was going through her head. Why was she so uncomfortable? 

Maybe the fact that a kid was involved in the case had thrown her. JJ knew that her heart had skipped a beat when she’d heard a young girl yelling. She couldn’t imagine what that had done to Emily. It probably hadn’t helped that Hotch had decided to hover over the whole thing. 

JJ wasn’t sure what to say to wipe that exhausted look off Emily’s face. She hadn’t gotten the next Pern book yet, so she couldn’t even suggest that they listen to a book. Sighing, she just stretched her legs out and set her feet in Emily’s lap.

Emily jumped, startled out of her thoughts. She grabbed JJ’s feet in her surprise and stared down at the plain beige socks. JJ had taken her shoes off before curling into her chair. It seemed like Emily hadn’t noticed.

“What?” Emily asked, looking at her confused. She sat back in her seat, adjusting so JJ could keep her feet on her lap. “Sorry, did you say something?”

“No,” JJ answered, smiling, “I didn’t know what to say.”

Smiling, Emily raised an eyebrow. “Oh? So your solution was to shove your feet in my face?”

“It worked, didn’t it?”

Emily nodded, giving in. She sighed heavily and lifted her feet, resting them beside JJ on her chair. Carefully, JJ covered Emily’s legs with her blanket, tucking them both in. It wasn’t exactly cuddling, but that was probably for the best. They were still at work after all.

“You ok?” JJ asked her quietly, resting a hand on Emily’s legs. “You look like you’re a million miles away.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Emily shook her head. “I’m just thinking.”

“About?”

Emily smiled at her, shrugging. “Would you ever want to have children?”

JJ chuckled at the random question. “With you? Maybe.”

“Oh, shut up,” Emily laughed, rolling her eyes. “You know what I mean. Do you want to do the whole thing? Marriage, kids, a house.”

“I’d like a house,” JJ answered honestly. She picked at her blanket as she thought about the rest. “I guess I’m not opposed to marriage. I’d have to really like the person, though.”

“I think that’s the whole point,” Emily said, squeezing one of JJ’s toes. “What’s your hesitation?”

JJ bit her lip. “Um, I don’t know. I guess… It was always expected when I was growing up.” She knew now that the pressure from her mother had been born out of fear, but she wasn’t willing to open up about that yet. “I don’t want to be like everyone else from my town. I don’t want to just be a wife and a mother and lose myself.”

Emily looked thoughtful, idly squeezing JJ’s toes as she thought of a response. The gentle touch made JJ feel good, and she settled further into her seat. Thinking about marriage and children made her think of her mother, and she was glad for Emily’s presence. Even if JJ wasn’t going to talk to her about the repression of her feelings, she could take comfort in being with her.

“I can understand that,” Emily said, smiling. “I definitely do my best to avoid becoming what my mother wants.”

“Oh?” JJ’s eyebrows jumped up at the mention of Emily’s mother. “Your mother is an ambassador, right? What was that like?”

Emily made a face, curling a lip and crossing her eyes. She grinned when JJ laughed. “Awful!” she answered cheerfully. “You know me. Do you think I liked wearing ball gowns and making small talk?”

“Probably not,” JJ replied. “I bet you looked just like-” She caught herself blushing. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Emily said, smiling tightly. “I looked exactly like my mother. She loved that, until I started teasing my hair and wearing goth make-up. I was just a mockery of her then.” Emily snorted, shaking her head. “I hope you-know-who doesn’t have a rebellious phase. I would die.”

“You’d be fine.” JJ pointed her toe and poked Emily in the stomach. “You haven’t answered your own question. Marriage? Kids?”

With a sigh, Emily scratched her forehead. “I don’t know. I can’t imagine anyone… Well.” She shrugged at JJ. “I guess I’m open to both, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I can barely deal with one. Another? And a baby?” She raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Can you imagine?”

“I can see it,” JJ said, poking Emily’s stomach again. “You could do it.”

“Oh, I just remembered.” Emily looked around conspicuously before leaning in toward JJ. “Reid thinks you hate him.”

JJ’s stomach dropped at the mention of the other agent. She wasn’t angry at Reid anymore, not really. He reminded her of a terrible experience and, even if she didn’t  _ blame  _ him, it was his fault that it had happened to her at all. Still, she should talk to him and clear the air. 

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I should talk to him.”

Emily licked her lips. “How are you feeling? About Hankel? And Reid, I guess. We haven’t really talked about it in a while.”

“I’m fine.” JJ did her best to look casual and relaxed. It helped that Emily was still holding on to her. “I’m sleeping well, and therapy is helping a lot. It’s not always on my mind anymore. I’m okay. Really.”

“Alright,” Emily replied, not looking entirely convinced. “So, you don’t hate Reid?”

“No,” JJ snorted, wrinkling her nose. “I don’t hate Spence. I might not volunteer to partner with him any time soon…”

Emily sat back in her seat again. She reached out to pick up the end of JJ’s blanket and tug it over JJ’s legs, and herself by proxy. They smiled at each other, getting comfortable in their seats. JJ was tired after an emotional case and she was glad to be cozying up to her best friend to rest. Knowing that Emily was with her, JJ closed her eyes and let herself fall asleep for the rest of the flight home.

ep for the rest of the flight home.


	16. My Best Friend's Hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter! Just a fun time. definitely not something at the end...

Emily choked on her Pad Thai, laughter intensifying at the ungodly sound she made. JJ laughed at her, hands clutching her sides. Sucking in air, Emily dropped her chopsticks into her food and glared at JJ.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Emily gasped, swiping a stray hair from her face. “You want Henry to watch me die?”

JJ just kept howling with laughter, wine glass clutched in her hands. “You’re so red!”

“I almost died, Jennifer!”

She grinned despite her momentary fear. They were at JJ’s apartment, spending time together. Emily had come over to help JJ do paperwork, leaving Milly with Pen, but they’d only made it through a few files before getting distracted. The bottle of wine they’d had hadn’t helped either.

JJ had ordered Thai food, produced another bottle of wine from somewhere, and they’d settled on the floor in front of Henry’s enclosure. Apparently, he was JJ’s usual dining companion, and Emily was honored to be a part of the dining experience. Well, she had been until she almost died. She gulped down the wine in her glass and poured herself another.

JJ’s apartment was tiny, only a living room with a kitchen tucked into one corner and a bedroom with a bathroom. Emily was sure she could cross the room in five long steps. Henry’s enclosure took up most of the room, leaving only a small patch of carpet for them to sit on.

“I didn’t think you’d choke on your food,” JJ said, finally getting herself under control. “That was funnier than what I said.”

Emily shook her head. “I’m sorry, but the image of Garcia like that will be stuck in my head forever.”

They giggled at each other as Emily picked up her chopsticks again, setting her wine glass down carefully. JJ stuck her tongue out, uncrossing and crossing her legs again. Emily took a bite of her food as JJ dug an eggroll out of the small plastic bag.

“Sorry,” she apologized, sounding completely unapologetic. “I’ve been living with it for over a year. Now, it’s your problem, too.”

“Thanks for that.” Emily swallowed her food. “Is it wrong that I’m happy to have a night off that doesn’t involve Milly?”

JJ shrugged. “I don’t think so. Kids are a lot.”

“That they are.”

They ate quietly for a moment, watching Henry slowly pace around the enclosure. Emily took the opportunity to look around JJ’s apartment. It wasn’t very homey, with no couch and only a few decorations. They’d done paperwork at the kitchen counter, and Emily could guess that JJ’s bedroom was spartan, too.

It made sense. They hardly spent any time at home. Emily was only home as much as she was because of Milly. All the things she’d done to make her apartment more comfortable were because of Milly, requested by the pre-teen and organized by her, too.

Emily’s eyes landed on a sparkly, gold J hanging on the wall beside JJ’s bedroom door. “Wow,” Emily chuckled, trading her chopsticks for her wine glass, “you only have one decoration and it’s that?”

JJ looked over her shoulder at the decoration. She snorted, rolling her eyes. “That was my mom. I had to compromise. She wanted me to hang a ‘Live. Laugh. Love.” painting, but I convinced her that a single gold J would do. Don’t even need two!”

“Your mom sounds intense.” Emily took a sip of her wine and leaned back on a hand. “Are you two close?”

“We are,” JJ replied, smiling. She reached into the enclosure to pet Henry’s back. “I don’t have a lot of time to talk to her, but I do my best.” She tilted her head at Emily. “Are you close with your mom?”

“No,” Emily laughed, the thought hilarious. “Not at all. I haven’t talked to her in…” She took another sip of wine as she tried to remember the last time she’d spoken to the Ambassador. “God, I can’t remember. I get a formal Christmas card every year, though.”

JJ frowned, resting her elbows on her knees. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s completely fine,” Emily assured her. “We’ve never been close. She cares more about her work than me. I don’t care anymore.”

“Does she know about Milly?”

Emily nodded, shifting uncomfortably. “Sort of? She knows that Milly is my biological daughter, but I don’t know if Hotch told her that I have Milly now. I certainly haven’t.”

Biting her lip, JJ just looked at Emily for a moment. Emily wondered what she was thinking. This wouldn’t be the first time someone judged her for her tense relationship with her mother. However, now Milly was involved, too. JJ must think they were all terrible, snobby rich people. Chuckling, JJ shook her head. “Good luck when she finds out,” JJ said, lifting an eyebrow. “Although, I’m sure she’s used to your unpredictability by now.”

Her acceptance of the situation surprised Emily. Sometimes, Emily forgot just how perceptive JJ was. The other woman had profiled Emily the first time they’d shared a hotel room, showing incredible insight. She’d seen so much of Emily and still decided to be friends.

“I’ll let you know how it goes.” Emily set her wine glass down so she could stretch, reaching her hands high over her head and arching her back. “God, I haven’t spent this long on a floor in a while.”

JJ tossed her head back, finishing off her glass of wine and setting it down. She gestured for Emily to do the same. “Let’s go swimming.”

“Swimming?” Emily repeated dumbly. “I don’t have a bathing suit.”

“You can borrow one of mine,” she said dismissively. “Hurry up and finish your wine. I’ll get bathing suits.”

Emily obeyed, chugging the rest of her glass. She gathered their trash, putting it all back into the bag, before picking up their glasses and the wine bottle. Arms full, she went to the kitchen and set it all down on the counter. She had just thrown the trash away when JJ came out of her bedroom wearing only her bathing suit.

For a moment, Emily’s brain short-circuited. The large blackbird tattoo on JJ’s stomach drew her eyes, making Emily glance down at her breasts. She could see the soft curve of muscle, the long stretch of lean legs, and the sharp cut of JJ’s collarbone. Even though she’d seen JJ entirely naked before, this was different. This time, there was no trauma or injury to distract them and take away any sexual attraction that Emily felt. Now, JJ cocked her hip and held out another bikini, two towels clutched in her other hand.

“Here,” she said, smiling. “You can change in my room.”

Nodding mutely, Emily took the bathing suit and hurried away, telling herself to keep it together. She wasn’t going to be that creepy lesbian friend who ogled every hot woman who walked by. Undressing, she folded her clothing onto the bed and put the bikini on. The bottom fit well, but Emily’s breasts were larger than JJ’s and she was practically bursting out of the top.

“Hey, Jayje?” Emily called to the living room.

“Yeah?”

She winced and opened the door. “Can I borrow a shirt?”

JJ appeared in front of her, immediately turning a dark red when she saw the problem. “Yup,” she squeaked, entering the room and going to her dresser. “I didn’t think about that.”

“It’s ok,” Emily said quietly, looking away when JJ bent down to open a lower drawer. “I’ll just bring my own bathing suit when I come over from now on.”

Grinning, JJ turned to her and tossed a shirt across the room. “Sounds good.”

Emily held the shirt up to look at it, eyebrows flying up. “Alice in Chains?” she read out loud, looking at JJ. “I...would not have guessed.”

“No one does,” JJ replied with a laugh. She put her hands on her hips and shrugged. “People expect me to like… I don’t know. Natasha Bedingfield, or Christina Aguilera. They’re fine, but not really my taste. It’s the cute face.”

Putting the shirt on, Emily laughed. “Oh,” she chuckled, tugging the shirt down, “you think you’re cute, huh?”

JJ winked at her. “I know I am.”

She led the way out of the room, a blushing Emily following behind her. JJ grabbed her keys and cellphone, handing Emily hers, before they left the apartment. Emily slowly started down the hall toward the elevator as JJ locked her door. She didn’t know where the pool was, but she could guess it wasn’t on the fifth floor.

JJ joined her on the walk. “I’m so glad it’s starting to warm up. I love hanging out by the pool.”

“I just burn,” Emily told her, tying her shirt in a knot at her waist. “Always have. I don’t think I’ve ever been tan in my life.”

“The pale look works for you, though.” She called the elevator. “It’s like hot goth.”

Trying not to read too much into that, Emily just flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Thanks.”

They made it to the pool quickly, and Emily was happy to see that no one else was there. It was late, almost 10pm, so there was a slight chill in the air that made steam curl off the surface of the pool. JJ dropped the towels onto a lounge chair and turned to Emily.

“Race you?”

Before the words even registered in Emily’s head, JJ was running for the pool. She jumped off the edge, pulling herself into a cannonball and landing with a large splash. Cackling, Emily followed her example and leapt into the pool, landing right beside JJ as she resurfaced, splashing her face. The warm water surrounded her for a moment before she got her feet under her and stood.

“Emily,” JJ laughed when she resurfaced. “I got water up my nose.”

Emily lightly splashed her again. “Good! Clean it out.”

“You saying my nose is dirty?” JJ gasped, jumping at Emily. “How dare you!”

She shoved Emily under the water, going under after her. Emily managed to get away and swam away, heading for the other side of the pool. She knew that JJ was going to catch her eventually, but the fun was in the chase. Turning over, Emily grinned when she saw JJ right behind her.

Kicking against the bottom of the pool, she stood up to gulp down air. She’d barely caught her breath when she was dragged down again, JJ’s hands fisted in her shirt. They tussled briefly before splitting apart and surfacing.

“Truce!” Emily gasped, swimming backward. She narrowed her eyes when JJ grinned. “Parley!”

“Parley?” JJ repeated as she slowly moved closer again. “Are you a pirate?”

Emily tried moving to the side, but JJ followed her, inching ever closer. “A pirate? Parley isn’t just for pirates, you know. It’s a discussion meant to end hostilities between two sides.”

“Are you saying there are hostilities in this pool?” JJ asked her, sinking into the water so only her face was visible. She moved a little closer, making Emily dodge away again. “I’m not being hostile. Are you being hostile?”

“No,” Emily answered quickly, moving even further away again. “You just seem a little  _ hostile _ .”

JJ ducked under the water for a second before shooting up and sending a stream of water through her teeth at Emily. “Was that hostile?” She batted her eyes as Emily wiped water out of her face. “Oops.”

Emily couldn’t help feeling like JJ was flirting with her. She didn’t want to read into things, but when JJ leapt at her, hands grabbing her hips as she dragged her down, Emily noticed a gleam in her eyes. It was the same gleam she’d seen all night while they were drinking wine and eating dinner together. The whole night felt like a date, even if they hadn’t put a label on it.

When they resurfaced again, they were tangled together, arms wrapped around each other and legs kicking in tandem to keep them afloat. Emily could see the tiny droplets of water stuck to JJ’s eyelashes and cheeks. The lights of the pool made her blue eyes glow and sparkle. Emily licked her lips, eyes dropping to JJ’s mouth. JJ licked her lips, too, head dipping down.

A phone ringing startled them both, making them jump apart. Emily cleared her throat and swam backward, watching JJ swim around her to the edge of the pool. She lifted herself out easily, back muscles rippling. Emily tore her eyes away to stare at the water. The ringing stopped as JJ answered the phone.

“Agent Jareau,” she said, sounding annoyed. She flashed a smile at Emily, rolling her eyes. “Oh, hello, Detective LaMontagne. Sure. Will. What can I do for you?”


	17. Water Fountain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x18 - Jones

JJ pulled the towel off her head, dropping it into her lap. She knew that their job was important, and that they really were needed in New Orleans, but she couldn’t help feeling disappointed that her evening with Emily had been cut short. They’d been having fun, spending time alone, and now they were staring at gore-filled crime scene photos.

Looking down at the case folder, JJ pretended to think as she evaluated her feelings. Dr. Lewis had told her that she should try to be more self-aware. It was difficult, though. Every time JJ thought about her feelings toward Emily, her stomach hurt, and her heart raced. It was nauseating and painful, and she wasn’t sure if the discomfort was worth it.

JJ  _ wanted  _ to push past her trauma and move forward with her life, but avoidance was a family trait and she thought it might be coded into her DNA. Still, she was trying. She thought back to their brief swim in the pool. JJ might have kissed Emily then. The idea made her head throb painfully. She just didn’t know how to break through the wall that had been built in her childhood.

Across the small plane table from her, Emily was slowly brushing her damp hair, looking over her copy of the case file. Emily didn’t seem upset that nothing had happened, and JJ took comfort in that. She didn’t even know if the other woman liked her romantically, or if she was just being a friendly coworker. Maybe JJ was projecting. 

Seeing Emily practically bursting out of her borrowed swimsuit had almost short-circuited JJ’s brain. A new feeling had stirred inside JJ, something similar to what she felt with men, but a hundred times stronger. Instead of the weak flicker she normally felt, JJ felt like she’d been lit on fire. It told her that she was on the right path, and that the path might lead to Emily.

Emily had covered up, though. If she was interested in JJ, romantically or sexually, wouldn’t she have stayed scantily-clad? JJ didn’t know how flirtations between women worked. She was used to being on the receiving end of a man’s obvious attempts to seduce her. Emily was a new beast. A mystery. Dark eyes lifted to meet blue, and JJ blushed.

“Do you want the brush?” Emily asked her, holding it out. “You can have it.”

“Thanks,” JJ mumbled as she took it. Their fingers brushed and that same heat sent a thrill through her. Clearing her throat, she decided to turn her attention away from Emily. “Should we start talking about the case?” she asked the room, running the brush through her chlorine-soaked hair. “You all have the newspaper articles on the murders dating back to early-August 2005. That’s all we have to go on.”

Thankfully, Hotch began to speak. “He killed three times. He stopped for 18 months. Then, he started killing again.”

They ran through the details, but JJ only half-participated. She didn’t know much about New Orleans beyond the fact that it was a party town, and had recently been ravaged by hurricane Katrina. In addition to her limited knowledge about the city, they didn’t have much information. It had been destroyed in the hurricane.

When they’d finished their relatively short talk about the case, everyone settled in for the rest of the flight. JJ focused on getting her hair as presentable as possible, knowing that she’d just inevitably throw it up into a ponytail. JJ glanced across the aisle at Reid, who was scouring his file for anything they may have missed. Throwing him a bone, she leaned over and pushed the file down.

“So, Spence,” she started, smiling at him, “any big New Orleans plans?”

He looked startled that she was talking to him, and she felt bad for a moment. “Me?”

Sitting back in her seat, JJ went back to brushing her hair. “Yeah, you. Have you been to New Orleans before?”

“I haven’t,” he answered, eagerly sitting up and putting his file aside. “I do have a friend in town, though. I may go see him, if we have a moment.”

“A friend?” Emily asked, joining the conversation. She lifted her fingers to make air quotes. “Or, a  _ friend _ ?”

Reid blushed a deep red, pushing his bangs out of his face. “Um- He’s- We’re-”

“Deep breath, Spence,” JJ said, laughing. “You don’t have to answer her.”

“Uh, we’re friends,” he finally finished, playfully glaring at Emily. “Casual...friends.”

Emily held out a hand for a high-five. “Hell yeah, Reid!” He grinned and hit her hand. “Glad to know I’m not the only one.”

Wandering over from the other end of the plane, Morgan sipped his coffee and looked between them all. “Only what?” he asked, leaning an arm on the back of Emily’s seat. “The only nerd? I thought we established that Prentiss here is a big one.”

“Alright,” she chuckled, pushing his arm away. “Have a seat. You read the same books that I do.”

“That’s true,” he conceded. He dropped into the seat beside Reid, turning to face the women. “What are we talking about, though?”

JJ glanced at Emily, pretty sure she knew what was happening, but not wanting to assume. “I’m not sure, actually...”

Emily’s smile flagged for a moment, but she recovered easily. If JJ hadn’t been searching her face for  _ something _ , she might have missed it entirely. It made her feel guilty to hide herself, but it was what she was used to, and she wasn’t going to make any bold moves until she was more sure of herself.

“The only gay,” Emily told Morgan. “I’m not the only gay.”

Morgan snorted, shaking his head and taking a drink. “Definitely not.”

“You?” she asked, mouth dropping open.

“I,” he said regally, straightening his back and pressing a delicate hand to his chest, “am bisexual. I do prefer the ladies, though.”

JJ winced as she tugged out a particularly gnarly knot. When it was free, she put the brush down and crossed her arms on the table. “Garcia is some shade of gay,” she offered, smiling. “I know that because she’s always offering to…” JJ stopped herself and rolled her eyes dramatically. “You get it.”

She met Emily’s eyes and saw the question in them. After Hankel, JJ was pretty sure that Emily knew she had been through some trauma surrounding her sexuality, but they hadn’t talked about it again and Emily hadn’t asked. JJ knew that if she told Emily she liked women, Emily would only be supportive. 

JJ couldn’t do that, though, because she didn’t know how she felt about women, or men. Maybe she’d been gay in her childhood, but she’d spent years and years pushing that down and now she wasn’t sure if it was still there. Emily definitely pulled something out of JJ, but she didn’t know what it was. She wasn’t going to say something that she may later regret.

The moment passed, and Emily looked away, joining the men in a conversation about New Orleans’ nightlife. JJ busied herself with tying her hair back into a ponytail. They had a case to solve and there was no room for her inner conflict. Maybe, they’d end up with a hundred difficult cases in a row and she’d never have to deal with it at all.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A few hours later, she ended up dealing with the exact kind of man she’d been thinking about earlier. Detective LaMontagne Jr, or  _ Will,  _ as he insisted she call him, seemed just as interested in flirting with her as he was in solving this case. Her sympathy about the loss of his father only gave him so much leeway, and she hoped he’d back off before she had to make him.

It was always awkward to be the only woman at a crime scene. JJ stood with Will, Gideon, and Morgan, doing her best to project power and make sure they listened to her. It wasn’t that she was uncomfortable around men; she just didn’t like being the woman of the group.

Thankfully, Gideon was a no nonsense kind of man, and he pulled Will back on track every time he tried to change the subject to JJ. Looking around the scene, JJ walked away to look at potential hiding places for the unsub. There were several places that an unsub could have hid, but there wasn’t anything left behind.

They moved to Will’s father’s house to look at the word ‘Jones’ carved into a wall. Will didn’t know what it meant, but it clearly hurt him to see it in his destroyed childhood home. JJ frowned, knowing exactly how it felt to lose a family member without a reason, with no explanation.

She looked him over as he stood in the center of the room. He was attractive, probably close to her age, and at least a little bit emotionally aware. He was a detective, responsible, and driven. She should be interested in him. She should enjoy his flirtations.

Glancing over her shoulder at Morgan, she carefully stepped over the rubble toward him. “You ok?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he answered, looking away. “I just don’t want to disappoint him.”

With that, he left the room. JJ stared after him, searching herself for any hint of a spark or flicker inside herself. There was nothing. He didn’t inspire even a fraction of what she felt when she was with Emily. She didn’t allow herself to follow that line of thinking to its obvious conclusion.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Emily leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. She, Morgan, and Reid were on a plane to Galveston, Texas to interview the victim’s fiancé. It wasn’t a long flight, but she was still anxious to get there and get back. Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she pulled it out, seeing a new message in the groupchat.

_ JJ: Will won’t stop flirting with me. Tell me not to punch him. _

Emily grinned, typing out a message quickly.  _ Don’t punch him.  _

_ PG: Punch him! _

_ JJ: I’m getting mixed messages. _

_ EP: We don’t need to be kicked out of New Orleans. _

_ PG: Whatever! Why don’t you like his flirting? Is he ugly? _

_ JJ: He’s actually pretty cute, but we’re on the job! _

Emily just read the messages as they came, ignoring the way her stomach clenched when JJ said the detective was cute. She was pretty sure that JJ was interested in women, but she wasn’t entirely sure. She’d been quiet during their talk earlier, and Emily hadn’t missed the nervousness in her eyes. Maybe she was reading too much into it, but she was a profiler, wasn’t she? She could read people well.

“Hey,” she said, looking at Morgan and Reid, “do you guys know if JJ dates women?”

As they looked at her, her phone buzzed again. She glanced down to see another message from Penelope.

_ PG: Ok, but bad timing aside - Are you vibing? Tell me, you beautiful vanilla soy latte - Are you vibing? _

“Why are you asking?” Morgan asked her, pulling her attention back to her teammates. “Do you want to date her?”

Emily glared at him, flashing him her middle finger. “Fuck off. I’m just asking.”

Tapping his chin, Reid looked thoughtful for a moment. “She’s never mentioned dating women, but it could be something she keeps to herself. I’ve never considered it before.”

“Nah, I think she’s straight.” Morgan shrugged. “Have you seen her? I’m pretty sure JJ is the straightest person I know.”

“I don’t know…” Emily clicked her tongue, picking at her cuticles. “I really thought she was going to…”

She cut herself off because it felt too personal. Emily wasn’t going to give them her private moments with JJ. She had so few good memories, and it made her feel like she had some control over her life to keep them to herself. Right now, JJ was hers to think about.

“I was just wondering if you knew,” she sighed, waving a hand dismissively. “She’s hard to read.”

The men nodded their agreement and went back to reading the case file. Emily picked up her phone again, trying not to think about how much she wanted an answer. If JJ was gay, then Emily would know how to read their interactions. If JJ was straight, then she’d know. Emily just wasn’t sure how much to invest herself in their relationship. Should she protect herself and pull away? Or, should she take a chance and let herself have a crush? Her phone vibrated in her hand and she saw another message from JJ.

_ JJ: Sorry for the delay! He was sitting right next to me. I’m hiding in the bathroom now. He asked me why I’m not married! _

Snorting, Emily closed their group message and opened her private message with JJ. Despite her reservations, she couldn’t stop herself from wanting to talk to JJ. There was something about the unassuming blonde that pulled Emily in. JJ had gotten under her skin and was quickly setting up permanent residence in her mind.

_ Tell him you can’t get married because it isn’t legal in the States yet. If he tries anything, tell him I have a gun. _

She chewed her lip nervously as she waited for JJ to answer. A moment later, the reply came through.

_ You know, I don’t hate talking about marriage when it’s coming from you. _

_ Oh? _ Emily turned away from Morgan and Reid as a smile spread across her face.  _ Well, in that case… I have a jet, if you have a dress. Canada isn’t too far. _

JJ answered quickly.  _ Damn, I left my wedding dress in Virginia. _

_ Probably for the best. We haven’t even kissed. Yet. _

As soon as she sent the message along, Emily regretted it. It was too forward, too bold, too obvious. JJ was going to run as far away as she could and tell Emily never to talk to her again. Emily told herself to calm down. Garcia said similar things constantly and JJ loved her. She stared down at her phone, waiting for a response. Instead of answering her, JJ responded to the group message.

_ JJ: He’s not as bad as I’m making him seem. He’s cute and nice. _

_ PG: Girl, get it! _

The plane began to descend and Emily put her phone away, glad for the distraction. JJ was back in New Orleans, flirting with Detective LaMontagne, while Emily was a state away, helpless to do anything. What would she even do if she was in New Orleans? Tell Will to back off? Tell JJ that only Emily was allowed to flirt with her?

Emily had only been with the team for six months, but she was already so close to JJ. The thought made her heart sink. She had been reckless. Even if JJ liked her back, why did Emily think they could have a relationship? What made Emily think she deserved to date JJ?

She still didn’t know how she felt about Doyle. Had she loved him? Or, was that just Lauren? Wasn’t Lauren just Emily with a different name? Emily barely knew who she was when she wasn’t working, and she had Milly to think about. She was doing her best to keep her head above water, but it still felt like she could drown at any time.

JJ didn’t need her hanging on. Even if JJ liked women, Emily wasn’t good enough for her. She didn’t know her own feelings, couldn’t promise that she’d feel the same way in a year, and wasn’t the type of person that put together women like JJ fell in love with. Emily wasn’t even sure that a person existed who could love her. She was better off alone, focusing on her job and Milly. 

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Walking out of the bathroom, JJ read over Emily’s message again. She didn’t know how to respond to it. Was Emily just flirting with her in the same way Garcia did? Or, was she actually suggesting that they kiss? JJ didn’t know which option would make her feel better.

She knew which option  _ should  _ make her feel better. Emily was dangerous. She was everything JJ had been taught to avoid. Emily had secrets, professional and personal. She was experienced, knowledgeable, self-sacrificing. JJ knew that Emily could have her pick of women, all of whom would leave JJ in the dust. She was setting herself up for heartbreak. That is, if she even liked Emily that way.

Her eyes landed on Will, sitting at the bar drinking his beer. He’d told JJ that he wouldn’t drink while they were working, but he was sneaking sips and she couldn’t blame him. The case was stressful, and he was under a lot of pressure. She could guess that most of his flirting was a way to distract himself. Maybe they could help each other out that way.

JJ hadn’t slept with a man in years, focusing on her career instead of dating. Maybe she was just so desperate for sex and intimacy that even a woman seemed like a good option. Will was right in front of her, ready and willing. This could be a test for herself. If she slept with Will and enjoyed it, then she would know she liked men, and she’d have someone to date and distract herself from Emily. If she didn’t enjoy it… Well, she’d deal with that if it happened. Putting on her best cute girl smile, she headed back to the bar.

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The next morning, JJ got to the station early. She hadn’t slept with Will. After a few hours of flirting and internal debate, she’d chickened out and gone back to her hotel room alone. Thankfully, Emily, Reid and Morgan had spent the night in Galveston, so JJ got to spend the night with her thoughts. She hadn’t figured anything out.

Maybe that was why she got so frustrated with Will. He didn’t want to have a press conference and let people know that the killer was a woman. Apparently, Will cared more about tourism than he did about stopping the killer. Even as she thought it, she knew it wasn’t true. Still, he didn’t seem to appreciate that she was just trying to do her job.

When he walked away, she took a deep breath, telling herself to calm down. She was feeling overwhelmed by her confusion. It wouldn’t interfere with her job, but she definitely felt like she needed a quiet moment alone. JJ wandered into the precinct’s kitchen, stopping short when she saw Emily there.

Emily looked amazing. She was wearing a black shirt that clung to her like a second skin, showing off the gentle slope of her waist. Thick, brown trousers made her legs look amazing. A wide, masculine belt completed the look, somehow making her emphasize her strength. JJ didn’t know belts could do that. Emily’s hip cocked to the side as she stirred sugar into her coffee cup and JJ had to remind herself to breathe.

There was an easy confidence to Emily that JJ envied. She was effortlessly beautiful, a mix of natural femininity and adopted masculinity. JJ admired the way her wide legged dress pants and men’s boots gave her an air of authority, but her tight shirt and long hair kept her approachable and alluring. The urge to kiss Emily swirled in JJ’s chest.

It terrified her. She’d just spent an entire night flirting with Will, but one look at Emily filled her with more desire than she’d ever felt before. What was JJ supposed to do with that? How was she supposed to just move on with her life knowing that she was attracted to a woman? Did it even have to mean anything?

Emily turned around, sipping her coffee. When she saw JJ, she frowned. “Hey, are you ok?”

“Yeah,” JJ croaked, tucking her hair behind her ear. She jerked a thumb over her shoulder, rolling her eyes. “Will doesn’t want to hold a press conference.”

“He’s arguing with you?”

JJ nodded, shrugging. “They always do.”

“You want me to punch him?” Emily offered, smirking as she referenced their text messages. “I’ll knock that accent out of him.”

“I appreciate it,” JJ laughed. She waved a hand dismissively. “Let’s not cause an incident, though. I’ll be fine.”

Emily raised an eyebrow, but she let it go. “Ok. It’s a standing offer, though. Whenever you want, I’ll punch him.”

Taking a deep breath, JJ looked away, knowing that she finally made a decision about Will. She already hated herself for it, but she just needed to know for sure. Hotch called out to Emily.

“They found a new body.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stick with me, y'all. trust!


	18. You and Jennifer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x18 Jones - I gloss over a lot of the details of the case, but if you're reading this, then you're a Jemily fan and you probably know this episode lmao
> 
> Also, we all watch criminal minds, but here's a warning for this chapter - talk of rape.

Emily could tell that something was wrong with JJ. They’d made their way from the police station to their hotel in silence. She knew that JJ was frustrated with Will, and she was probably annoyed that they’d been paired together, but hopefully it wouldn’t be too bad. As she dug through her go-bag to find an outfit to wear to the club, she tried to think of something to say.

Their maybe-date was still playing in Emily’s mind. It had been so easy to be alone together, the conversation flowing easily. She wanted to do that every night, even though that desire was scary. The fact that JJ seemed like she had a good time, too, made her a little more willing to take a chance.

“Hey,” Emily said, pulling a dress from her bag, “do you want to hang out when we get back? You could bring Henry over.”

JJ sighed as she took out her own outfit. “Maybe. I don’t want to cut into your mother-daughter time.”

“It’s not a big deal. Milly loves you, and Henry.”

They both chuckled and began to undress. Emily kept her eyes to herself, but she imagined that she could feel JJ moving behind her. She  _ also  _ imagined that she could feel JJ’s tension.

As she put her hands through the sleeves of her dress, she turned around to look at JJ. The younger woman was stepping into a pair of jeans, wiggling her hips as she pulled them up. Emily blushed and put her dress on to distract herself.

“How are you doing?” Emily asked, voice muffled by the dress over her head.

JJ flashed a tight smile over her shoulder, not meeting Emily’s eyes, before digging through her bag for a shirt. “I’m fine.”

Biting her lip, Emily smoothed her hands over her dress and headed for the bathroom. She only made it a few steps before she stopped, turning back toward JJ. The blonde was putting on a dark brown shirt, her face pulled down into a deep frown.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Emily said quietly. JJ froze, hands clenching around her shirt. “You don’t have to, but… I just want to put it out there.”

Shoulders dropping, JJ smiled at her, professional mask sliding into place. “Thanks, Emily. I’m really ok, though. I’m just tired.”

Emily didn’t believe her, but she let it drop. After what they’d been through with Hankel, Emily had to trust that JJ would tell her if something was really wrong. They hadn’t had such a deep talk since that weekend, but JJ had seemed happier overall. Emily just had to trust her.

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Even though she’d told herself to trust JJ, Emily was having trouble being patient. From the second level of the club, she could see JJ and Will wandering through the crowd. Gideon was talking, mostly to himself, and she wasn’t hearing a word. Her attention was focused on the way Will’s hand lingered on JJ’s back and the way she was smiling at him.

It was hard to tell if she was flirting from so far away. Emily wished she could forget about the case and get closer to spy. The thought made her roll her eyes at herself. She wasn’t a teenager with a crush. She just wanted to make sure that Will wasn’t bothering JJ. Although, the bright smile on her face made it pretty clear that he wasn’t.

Emily’s stomach twisted as JJ tucked her hair behind her ear and batted her eyelashes. That flirty move had been aimed at Emily just yesterday on the airplane. Why was it suddenly aimed at someone else?

The thought made Emily doubt her already fading belief that JJ liked her. Before their trip to New Orleans, Emily was pretty sure that JJ liked her romantically, or at least was starting to. They were spending more time together, JJ was growing closer to Milly, and they were really connecting. Emily hadn’t talked to anyone about her mother in a long time, even if it had been a short conversation. She was so sure that they’d almost kissed in the pool.

So what had changed? Had she scared JJ off with the flirting over text? JJ had never texted her back after she implied that they may kiss eventually. It had been a joke (mostly), but now Emily worried that it was too far. Maybe she had made JJ uncomfortable.

Still, JJ hadn’t said anything in the hotel room when Emily had given her the opportunity. Maybe it was because they were still working. Maybe it was because Emily was the source of her discomfort and she didn’t want to talk to her about it. Maybe it was because Emily was completely overthinking everything and JJ really  _ was  _ fine.

Emily’s head began to pulse. Will threw his arms around JJ’s shoulder as they scanned the crowd for their unsub. Half-expecting JJ to shove his arm off, Emily’s throat tightened when she put an arm around his waist instead. How was Emily supposed to read that? Was it even for her to read at all?

Swallowing hard, Emily decided to just talk to JJ when they got back to the hotel room. She could frame it as ‘girl talk’ and ask about what was going on with Will. It didn’t have to be weird. As she tuned back into Gideon’s monologue, Emily really wished she had more experience with friendship.

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JJ stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. She felt disgusting, slimy and dirty and so, so stupid. She searched her face for anything she recognized, but she only saw a stranger. JJ saw someone reckless, who ran from her problems right into the arms of a man she never wanted to see again.

She’d been wrong. Well, really she’d been  _ right,  _ hadn’t she? She didn’t like men. It made her stomach turn unpleasantly to think about how she’d used Will the way she had, but it was probably worth it in the end. Now she knew for sure that she didn’t like men.

Did that mean she liked women, though? JJ had an answer immediately. She did. All she had to do was think about Emily and her heart skipped a beat. JJ had been interested in Emily since they’d first met, telling herself even then not to think about her beauty or her kindness. Now, months later, her interest had only grown.

JJ wanted to talk to Emily about all of this. She wanted her opinion, her thoughts, her advice, but how could JJ bring this up? How could she tell Emily that she’d had sex with someone else in an attempt to figure out if she wanted to have sex with Emily? She couldn’t do that.

Turning on the faucet, JJ splashed her face with cold water. She needed to get back to her hotel room and shower before she faced her team. Hopefully, Emily would already be gone. JJ felt like the stink of shame was on her and Emily would smell it as soon as they were in the same room.

It was bad enough that JJ had spent the night at Will’s house. She’d meant to leave, but he’d fallen asleep with his arm over her waist and she’d been afraid to move and wake him up. She didn’t know what he expected from her, or what he wanted, and she didn’t want to have to tell him it was a one-night stand.

She took a deep breath as she turned off the water, quickly drying her face off and heading out of the bathroom back into his bedroom. Will was still asleep, his broad back facing her. Wincing, she grabbed her phone off his nightstand and went to his living room where she’d left her shoes, her purse, and her dignity.

JJ had dressed as soon as she’d woken up, desperate not to be naked anymore. It was bad enough that she was suddenly laid bare in her mind; her body, at least, could be clothed. She checked her messages as she walked through the house.

The first thing she noticed was a couple of missed calls from Hotch, and several text messages. Opening her texts first, she saw a few from Penelope, one from Hotch, and two from Emily. She opened Emily’s first.

_ Are you coming back to the hotel room tonight? _

A few hours later, Emily had sent another.

_ Please don’t tell me about it. _

JJ almost threw her phone away from herself, imagining that she could hear the heavy disappointment in Emily’s voice. It echoed in her ears and she switched to Hotch’s message instead, knowing it’d be safe. They had another body.

She raced back to her hotel room, letting Hotch know that she was running a little behind schedule, but she’d be there as soon as she could. The only saving grace for her was that Will hadn’t even woken up yet, meaning he was going to be even later than she was. Showering quickly, she dressed and went to the crime scene.

As thankful as she was that Emily hadn’t been in the hotel room and hadn’t seen her walk of shame, JJ wished they didn’t see each other for the first time that day at the crime scene. It seemed oddly fitting.

JJ tugged on her latex gloves as she ducked under the caution tape and joined the others by the body. Reid was pulling something out of the victim’s mouth with tweezers. Stopping beside Emily, JJ tucked her hair behind her ear and looked around the group.

Hotch nodded to her, frowning in his usual way. Gideon’s eyes lingered on her for a moment before turning to Reid, who was unfolding the note he’d found. Emily wasn’t looking at her at all. Instead, she moved to get a better look at the note.

“Dear boss,” she read aloud, “he wanted it with a sharp tongue and vulgar hands. Thought you would like to know, another will soon get what he deserves. Yours truly.”

She finally glanced at JJ. Emily seemed completely normal, like she hadn’t begged JJ not to talk about hooking up with the local detective via text. At the crime scene, they could only look at each other. Flashing her a casual smile, Emily looked at Gideon.

“Thoughts on the note?”

JJ tuned out the answer. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Emily. Even when Will finally arrived and started asking questions, JJ stared at Emily. It took her a minute to realize what she was waiting for and, once she knew, it made her heart clench.

She was waiting for a reaction. JJ wanted Emily to look upset. She wanted to see hurt in Emily’s eyes, or see her avoiding JJ, but instead, Emily touched her back gently as she walked around her, just like she always did. Nothing was different with her at all.

It was JJ who had changed, and JJ who was dealing with the fallout of her choice. Emily didn’t seem to care that she’d slept with Will, or that she hadn’t come back to the hotel room. Maybe she’d asked to be spared the details because she didn’t like men and didn’t want to hear about that. Maybe JJ had built up their flirting and closeness because she was so desperate for it to be true.

What if Emily didn’t even think of her that way? What if this whole experiment had been for nothing? JJ wasn’t sure what she would do with all her new feelings if she didn’t have anyone to give them to. What was the point of all this turmoil if she was just going to end up in the same place? Alone?

The team started moving and she pulled herself to the present. Gideon looked at her expectantly and she shook her head. This was not the time or place for a breakdown.

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Emily felt sick. This case had been difficult to begin with and she’d felt off-kilter since they’d talked about their sexualities on the plane. Well, since everyone but JJ had talked about their sexuality. That didn’t seem like a big deal anymore.

As they walked into the club that used to be called Jones, Emily did her best to keep her face neutral and her body language casual. There was just too much going on to let herself deal with any of it. To let herself  _ feel  _ any of it. The best thing to do until she got home was lock it all away in a safe little compartment.

Once she’d heard that Will’s father used to work sex crimes, Emily had a much better idea of what they were dealing with. The female unsub, the shaming language of the notes, the attachment to Detective LaMontagne Sr - it all pointed to a sexual assault case. Garcia had found the record of the assault online. Well, she’d found the record of a disturbance where no charges were filed.

She knew what the detective’s ex-partner was going to tell them. He was going to talk about how good the men were, how women always got drunk at Mardi Gras, how the destruction of a woman’s life wasn’t a good enough reason to destroy those men’s lives. It was the same thing that was always said. Sex, or rape, was never seen as the tragedy that it was.

These types of cases always upset Emily, both because of how horrible the crimes were and because of her own complicated relationship to sex. She liked sex, but it was always one part of something bigger, and something difficult to understand. Sex always had consequences.

When she was younger, that consequence was pregnancy and then the loss of her friends. Then, it was another pregnancy and the loss of herself. She’d joined the FBI, buried herself in her work, and, eventually, became someone else. She became Lauren and then sex became a tool.

Lauren wielded sex like a weapon. She seduced Ian Doyle, working her way into his bed and his heart, and then destroying him. He was locked away forever and she’d done that. She’d opened her body until he’d opened his mouth. She didn’t know what that said about her.

She’d had a goal, and she’d accomplished that goal. Lauren had been incredibly successful. She’d thrived. What about Emily, though? Where had Emily gone during that time?

She still wasn’t sure. Had she been sleeping with Doyle? Or, was that just Lauren? Had she been in love with a monster? Or, was that just Lauren? Had she been the arms dealer, the criminal, the woman who enjoyed sex with men? Or, was that just Lauren?

Emily wasn’t sure how she felt about her time undercover. She didn’t know how it had changed her, if it had changed her at all. Maybe that’s who she had always been and it had just taken permission for her to be that way. How could she raise a child if she was still figuring herself out? What if, when she finally figured herself out, she wasn’t good enough to raise a child?

Even beyond Milly, beyond her own self-doubts, there was JJ now to think about. Emily really thought they were getting close, but everything had changed overnight. All her turmoil had built in her while she’d lain awake in her hotel room. Alone.

As unsure as she’d been at the club, Emily still hadn’t  _ really  _ expected JJ to sleep with Will. The flirting was fun and fine, but to have sex with a stranger like that? Emily just hadn’t expected it from JJ. She couldn’t, and wouldn’t, judge her for it, but it was still surprising.

Emily enjoyed casual sex, but it had been a while. She’d hooked up with a few women in the months between putting Doyle away and getting Milly. It had been fun and a good way to feel more like Emily and less like Lauren. Still, that was casual sex, meaningless sex, and Emily wouldn’t want to have sex with JJ unless she knew for sure that it meant something. 

Did JJ’s sex with Will mean something? Was this JJ’s way of telling Emily that she liked men, and not women? That she didn’t like women? Her choice might not have had anything to do with Emily anyway. After all, they barely knew each other. They were co-workers, barely friends, and Emily shouldn’t assume that anything JJ did was about her. She shouldn’t assume that JJ cared about her.

“Smitty,” Will said, pulling Emily back to the present and the case.

JJ was looking at her, brow drawn down. Giving her a sharp smile, Emily shoved her hands into her pocket and tried to focus on what the men were saying. She tried to ignore the feeling that had been lingering all day - the feeling that JJ was watching her.

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Emily stared out the window of the plane, curled up in her seat. They’d solved the case and caught their unsub, but she wasn’t feeling any better. As they’d left the unsub’s apartment, she’d seen JJ and Will talking. She’d been too far to hear what they were saying and she’d left without even trying. She didn’t need to stick around and watch JJ flirt with someone else. 

Now that they were headed home, Emily was trying to decide what she wanted to do. She couldn’t make herself less attracted to JJ, but maybe she could distance herself a little bit. They didn’t need to spend so much time together alone. They didn’t need to flirt, or drink wine, or go swimming together. Emily had gotten the message. They were just co-workers and casual friends.

It was for the best. Emily was too broken for JJ, too damaged. She had baggage. She had Milly and this new job and Hotch still didn’t trust her. Emily just had too much to do to be distracted by JJ and dating. She didn’t need the extra stress.

Besides, she’d gotten too close too quickly anyway. She should have shut down any thoughts of flirting as soon as they’d hit her. It wasn’t professional, and she wasn’t interested in dating. It didn’t matter how interesting, kind, or beautiful JJ was. Emily wasn’t interested. A soft cough made her look up and she saw JJ standing in front of her, Walkman clutched in her hand.

“Hey,” JJ said softly, smiling, “I was going to start the next book. Do you want to listen with me?”

“No, thanks.”

Emily turned back to the window, hoping JJ would get the hint and go away. After standing there for a moment, JJ finally turned away and found a seat across the plane. Emily glanced at her, watching as she started to put an earbud in before frowning and tossing it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're heading into the last arc of the season! only about 8 chapters left of season 2! It's gonna get rough, but bear with me, folks! this is a slow burn, but I promise it's worth it!


	19. She Likes Girls

JJ was thankful that she had a therapy session right after they returned from New Orleans. It was her fifth visit and she was feeling a little more comfortable. So, she’d kicked off her heels, curled up against the arm of the couch and spilled the events of the case. She told Dr. Lewis all about Will, her decision to sleep with him, and the coldness she’d felt from Emily. When she’d finished her story, Dr. Lewis just sighed and smiled kindly.

“Was it worth it?” she asked. “I don’t mean sleeping with Will. I mean figuring out that you’re… not interested in men.”

Wincing, JJ picked at her slacks. “I think so? I guess I don’t really know what to do with the information now. Am I a lesbian?”

Dr. Lewis nodded encouragingly, uncrossing and crossing her legs again. “Do you want to be?”

“I don’t know!” JJ dropped her face into her hands. “I don’t know! Does it even matter?”

“That’s up to you, but you’ve brought it up a couple times now and it’s clearly bothering you. I think it does matter, even if it only matters to you.”

Sighing, JJ lifted her face and frowned at Dr. Lewis. “I don’t want it to matter.”

Dr. Lewis looked thoughtful for a moment. She dropped her notebook into the box beside her chair, uncrossed her legs, and leaned forward. “Why don’t we look at this another way, hmm?”

“How?”

“Well, instead of thinking about whether or not you’re a lesbian, or whether or not it matters, think about this: Now that you know you’re interested in women, are you going to try and have a relationship with one?”

JJ’s thoughts immediately went to Emily. Wasn’t that what all her stress and worry had been about? Hadn’t she done all this soul-searching to be with Emily? She didn’t know if she wanted to just jump into a relationship with her, though. Was she ready for a relationship?

“I  _ want  _ to want a relationship with a woman,” JJ answered finally, “but it scares me. I barely know anything about dating at all, much less what it’d be like to date another woman.”

“How do you think it’d differ?” Dr. Lewis asked. “Are you just thinking about sex? Or, about all of it?”

JJ shrugged. “All of it, I guess. I… I think I’d like having a girlfriend, but I don’t like the idea of  _ being  _ a girlfriend. Does that make sense? I like the idea of having a woman at my side, touching a woman, living with a woman, but… What if she expects me to be a girlfriend in the same way men do?”

“What way is that?”

“I’m not…” JJ licked her lips, a headache forming behind her eyes. “I don’t want to wear nice dresses on dates, be pretty all the time, and just be...soft. I don’t want to be someone’s girl.”

Something passed through Dr. Lewis’ eyes, but she looked away before JJ could recognize it. “I see.” She met JJ’s eyes again. “I understand. Have you thought about letting go of some of that femininity?”

“What do you mean?” JJ shook her head, confused. “I’m not a girly-girl.”

“That’s not the same thing,” Dr. Lewis told her, smiling. She brushed a loose curl from her forehead. “If I can be frank…” She waited for JJ to nod before continuing. “From what I’ve seen, you hold on to a lot of the expectations and assumptions you grew up with. I’m willing to bet that you’ve always had long hair, worn make-up, earrings, heels. These don’t have to be ‘girly’ to be feminine. A lot of people just see them as ‘normal’ girl things.”

JJ reached up to tug on a gold hoop earring. She’d never really considered what she wore. When she’d bought clothing for her job, she’d just gone to the women’s section and bought a few blouses and pencil skirts. She wore pants, too, though, but she understood what Dr. Lewis was saying.

She’d never even considered cutting her hair before. Every girl she’d known growing up had had long hair. JJ hadn’t curled or straightened her hair as much as they had, but she’d still kept it… feminine. Even now, she kept it feminine. She wore women’s suits and make-up and earrings and heels. Just like Dr. Lewis said.

“So...You think I should wear men’s clothing?” JJ tried, wrapping her arms around her stomach. “I’m kind of small.”

Dr. Lewis chuckled, sitting back in her seat and shrugging her hands. “I’m just saying that you talk about not wanting to be a ‘girl’ or ‘cute’ or ‘soft,’ right? So, maybe try things that make you feel different. You don’t have to go out and shave your head, but just think about what that would look like.”

“I…” JJ wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. She tucked her hair behind her ear. “There  _ is  _ someone that I’m interested in. A woman. She’s not that feminine, but I wouldn’t call her masculine either.”

“You should ask her how she chooses her clothes.”

JJ’s stomach clenched, remembering the empty look in Emily’s eyes when she’d asked to listen to a book on the plane. “I don’t think she wants to talk to me right now. I made a mistake.”

“Then apologize,” Tara said simply. “Apologize, and then talk to her.”

“You say that like it’s the easiest thing in the world.”

“Isn’t it? You said you’re interested in her, so make things right and go after her. Talk about breaking out of a traditional relationship structure. Ask your crush out. Don’t wait for them to come to you.”

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“You slept with the detective?”

“Penelope…”

“Don’t ‘Penelope’ me!” Garcia wagged her finger at the other blonde before tossing back the last of her third beer. As she swallowed, her eyes grew wide. “What about Emily?”

“What do you mean ‘what about Emily’?”

“Don’t ‘what do you mean ‘what about Emily’?’ me!”

JJ sighed and finished her beer, too, before tossing it aside and cracking open another. They were at Penelope’s apartment, the tv playing in the background and Henry wandering around the room slowly. It was a typical girls’ night, but the conversation was more serious than it usually was.

“Peeg, life is hard,” JJ lamented, pouting at her best friend. She pulled a pillow off the couch onto the floor and hugged it to her chest. They’d both fallen from the couch a while ago and decided it was safer to stay down. “Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just relax and kiss a pretty girl?”

Penelope’s eyes widened. “You… want to kiss a pretty girl?”

“Maybe?” JJ winced and chugged half her beer. “I don’t know. Babygirl… Life is  _ hard _ .”

“You’re so right, Peaches,” Penelope agreed. She grunted as she stretched to the side and picked up Henry from where he’d strayed. Holding him up to her face, she blinked wide eyes at JJ. “Tell your besties all about it.”

Laughing, JJ kicked Penelope’s thigh and shook her head. “I’m done whining. It’s your turn!”

Penelope sighed, but set Henry in the circle of her legs. “Ok, Blonde Beauty, but you’re gonna have to talk about it eventually.”

“And I will,” JJ muttered. “Eventually.”

She drank her beer, closing her eyes and pretending like she didn’t feel Penelope’s drunk, but still sharp gaze. She was surprised at herself for how close she’d come to just telling Penelope that she had a crush on Emily. Even though Penelope would understand, it felt like it would make JJ’s ‘new’ sexuality too real.

She didn’t want to tell people until she knew for sure how she felt. Once it was out there, she couldn’t take it back. Even if she changed her mind, everyone would always know that she had a lesbian phase. JJ’s heart clenched as she thought about being a lesbian. What would that mean for her?

Her mother would never approve and JJ wouldn’t want to keep Emily a secret. Would Hotch approve? The Bureau? Milly? JJ’s heart clenched again at the thought of Emily’s daughter. JJ was already attached to the girl. She couldn’t start something with Emily that would hurt not only them, but also Milly. 

“Life is hard,” JJ sighed again.

“I know,” Penelope said, sighing heavily, too. “You want me to whine? I’ve got plenty to whine about.”

Grateful for the change of topic, JJ nodded, toasting her beer. “Spill it, Penny Baby.”

“I’m in love with Derek Morgan.”

“Baby,” JJ laughed, rolling her eyes, “I already know  _ that _ . Anyone with ears knows that.”

Penelope swallowed hard, looking down at Henry and trailing a finger over his shell. “I don’t mean… Jayje, I  _ really  _ love him. Like… The big ‘L’.”

“Oh.” Drinking deeply, JJ tried to think of something to say. She swallowed hard, not wanting to be too cynical. “That’s...great.”

“You don’t have to sound like I’ve already had my heart broken,” Penelope said, rolling her eyes. “I know he’s out of my league.”

“No!” JJ scooted forward to take Penelope’s hands. “I don’t think he’s out of your league, at all. I just… I’m not in a hopeful mood right now. Do you think he loves you back?”

Penelope shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s hard to read. We flirt a lot. I mean, everyone knows that. I just don’t know that it’s more than that for him. What if it isn’t? What do I do if he doesn’t like me back? We’re going to work together for the foreseeable future, aren’t we? I can’t exactly ignore this crush!”

The similarities to her own situation were not lost on JJ. “I can relate to that. He seems really into you, though. Have you thought about asking him out?”

“Jayje,” Penelope snorted, “my beautiful Madame Butterfly… In what world, would I  _ ever _ ask Derek Morgan, God Amongst Men, on a date?”

“I don’t know! He could say yes!”

Pen raised a sharp eyebrow. “I’ll ask him out when you ask Emily out on a date.”

“What?” JJ fumbled her drink, almost dropping it. “I’m not- I don’t- Ok. Point taken.”

“So…” Penelope tapped her can against JJ’s and smiled. “Want to take this into the bedroom?”

“And put bows on Henry?”

“Exactamundo.”


End file.
